A Can of Can-Do

I've heard of a can of whoop-ass, so how about a can of can-do?

I guess someone would inevitably call it: "Canned Doo", and that could scuttle the whole enterprise. Maybe that's why it's not an expression (or a product).

New Attractions at Hollywood Theme Parks

Flash Mob: A public exhibition of public exhibitionism. (A performance artist group's live interpretation of recent allegations of lewd conduct and indecent exposure in Hollywood to really give guests a visceral experience of what it's actually like to be a movie star on an audition for a big juicy part, and the juicy parts they might be likely to experience in such a situation.)

The Casting Couch Carousel: Each car in the carousel is designed to feel like an actual Hollywood movie executive's office, and when the door closes, you'll get the dizzying experience of being trapped in there with a performer dressed in a business suit trying to force himself on you. (Designed by experts and guaranteed to feel just like what real movie stars experience!)

The Movie Moguls' Masturbation Mansion: Have you ever imagined what being invited to a movie mogul's home and having them personally masturbate for you would actually be like? Well, now you don't have to! (With actual disgraced movie moguls masturbating for our guests! {They need the work now.})

The Exhibitionist Exposure Expo: A life-size gallery of photographs of giants of the movie industry revealing their not so giant side.

That Personal Touch: A ride that lets aspiring actors know what it really feels like to be groped by studio executives, directors, producers, casting agents and actors in Tinseltown.

And all guests finish it off with a delicious sausage sandwich you didn't ask for from Weinstein's Willie Whackin' Wiener Wagon.

The Stupor Bowl

With all of the everybody gets a trophy attitude and policy we've been hearing about for so long regarding school kids, why don't we at least partly give the same validation to failed sports teams?

So in the interest of encouraging professional (adult) athletes in the same spirit we do for children, and rewarding them for giving it the old college try year in and year out, why not give the two worst teams in NFL football a championship of their own each year? We could call it the Stupor Bowl, and have it be a sort of comedy relief version of the Super Bowl for fans to enjoy (especially those who just lost a lot of money on the Super Bowl).

The Motion Picture Academy Acronym

The acronym for the group that puts on the Oscars is: AMPAS.

With all the sordid details from the numerous sex abuse scandals coming out of Hollywood lately, people could easily be forgiven for mistakenly thinking that AMPAS stands for: Association of Masturbating Perverts And Sickos.

(Sorry, AMPAS: It's just a joke. Your acronym made it too easy.)

Eileen Wright

I think this would be a fun name for a right-wing news pundit or anchor.

(I wish there was an easy fun one for a left-wing pundit too, but I don't know of anyone with the last name Left. I prefer being an equal opportunity offender with regard to politics, as I hate partisanship since I can't help but notice that it's tearing our country apart.)

The First Question Aliens Will Undoubtedly Ask Us When We First Meet Them in Outer Space

“Oh, you’re form Earth… Do you know Richard Dreyfuss?”

(This is a so-so joke of mine based upon my experiences of people always asking if I know so-and-so when they find out I’m from New York City. New York is a big city; we don’t all know each other. And Richard Dreyfuss because he entered the space ship in Close Encounters of the Third Kind, so it’s safe to assume all aliens would know him, don’t you think?)

Followed by, of course: "Do you remember us from that Star Trek episode?"

Southwest Airlines In-Laws Ad (Joke/Proposed)

A husband is mad that his wife is paying for air travel to have her family come visit (maybe for a holiday: Thanksgiving or Christmas or Chanukah, or Arbor Day, or something like that), and he says: “How come they get to travel on my dime, and just to criticize every little thing that I do?” And his wife says: “On your nickel: They’re flying Southwest Airlines. And actually, they’re traveling on our nickel: I work too, you know.”

Alternate Lyrics to the Song: “Christmas Is Coming”

We all know the charming song: “Christmas Is Coming”, with the lyrics: “Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat; won’t you put a nickel, in the old man’s hat?”

Well in today’s world, I would humbly suggest these new alternate lyrics: “Christmas is coming, the wallet’s getting thin; please hurry up now, before credit caves in!”

(Actually, these days maybe it should go: “Christmas is coming, the goose is quite obese; let's cook it up, and fill ourselves with grease!”)

(That last part might make for a fun holiday ad song for Tofurkey.)

Grope Nuts Cereal

The breakfast cereal with Kevin Spacey on the box.

The Weinstein Company Joke Ad Headline

Expose yourself to today’s hottest talent!

Trump’s Tax Plan Song

(To the Tune of: “Taxman” by George Harrison)

Let me tell you how it will be, (Tax plan!)

More money for big companies, (Tax plan!)

‘Cause I’m the tax plan,

Yeah, I’m Trump’s tax plan.

If your tax rate appears too big, (Tax plan!)

It should because the system’s rigged, (Tax plan!)

‘Cause I’m the tax plan,

Yeah, I’m Trump’s tax plan.

If it’s smooth sailing, I’ll tax your boat,

If it’s sink or swim, I’ll tax your float,

If you storm my gates, I’ll tax the moat,

If you want me out, I’ll tax the vote,

Tax plan!

‘Cause I’m the tax plan,

Yeah, I’m Trump’s tax plan.

Why such complaints from you the poor? (Tax plan!)

Why not stash your cash too offshore? (Tax plan!)

‘Cause I’m the tax plan,

Yeah, I’m Trump’s tax plan.

More burden for the middle class, (Tax plan!)

The poor will take it up the ass, (Tax plan!)

‘Cause I’m Trumps’ tax plan,

Yeah, I’m Trump’s tax pla-an.

Work all you like I’ll keep your money.

Tax plan!