Crest Whitestrips Vampire Ad (Proposed)

Two attractive young women with backpacks are hiking up to a spooky old castle on a hilltop at night with a full moon and lots of fog swirling around. They walk across a drawbridge and through a large entryway, finding themselves in a dark, massive banquet hall. One of the women is amazed and fascinated by the surroundings and wants to explore, while the other is nervous and frightened and wants to leave. Suddenly a vampire in a black cape emerges from behind the timid woman and growls, baring his fangs. She shines her flashlight in his face and screams. The vampire’s teeth are very brown and yellow in color. After screaming, the timid woman cries: “Eewww! Look at his teeth!” The other woman says to the vampire: “Yuck! You should be ashamed of yourself! Don’t you ever brush!?” In an insert of a product shot, the announcer says: “Scaring people with your ugly, yellow teeth? You don’t need to go to a dentist to get beautiful, sparkling white teeth! With Crest Whitestrips, you can get the whitest teeth in the comfort of your own home.” Back at the castle, we see the vampire smiling with very white teeth in a closeup. As we zoom out, we see that he has his arms around both of the young women, who both now have vampire teeth. One of the women looks at his teeth and says: “See? Much better!” The vampire says: “You really think so?” And the other woman looks and says: “Totally!”

Band Aid Halloween Ads (Proposed)

I’m not sure if this has been done before or not, but if not, then I think it would be really fun for Band Aid (or Curad) to make Halloween-themed ads, like showing a person’s neck with two small Band Aids covering the neck puncture wounds left by a vampire, with the slogan: “Happy Halloween from Band Aid!”; or maybe the Frankenstein monster’s forehead scratch with a Band Aid covering it, or perhaps a pre-kill scene from a slasher movie with the killer holding a big knife over a victim, and the headline reads: “Ouch! You’re going to need a Band Aid!” I think that would be really fun, and I’ll bet it would even help sell Band Aids too.

Bankenstein Political Ad (Proposed)

It’s Halloween, so I naturally think of Frankenstein. So then how about a political ad about the dangers of deregulated, too-big-to-fail banks and the threat of another crash that looms over the country, referring to this potential monster as: “Bankenstein”?

And so, for this political ad, we’d see whoever is the target of the ad (obviously a Republican would fit the bill, but so would Hillary Clinton, who has tons of Wall Street $ at her beck and call) as a Dr. Frankenstein type, using their pro-Wall Street policies to create a too-big-to-fail (and so reckless it’s guaranteed to fail) Frankenstein-type monster: Bankenstein. And, naturally, we’d see Bankenstein wreak havoc upon the country, and then a mob of people wielding pitchforks and such would gather together, and we’d see the candidate the ad is for as the Burgomaster who will save us from the evil threat and wrath of Bankenstein.

Evil Dead Ash Laundry Detergent Ad (Proposed)

We all know the Evil Dead movies and Bruce Campbell’s Ash character, and we likely mostly all know there’s a new cable channel series called: Ash vs. Evil Dead coming up soon on Starz. And certainly all fans know Bruce Campbell’s Ash generally gets doused and soaked with blood, gore, bile, and all types of assorted colorful fluids and goo when fighting the Evil Dead. And with that in mind, I thought it might make for a fun commercial for laundry detergent. It might even make a fun fake laundry detergent ad that’s really an ad for the TV series Ash vs. Evil Dead.

So here’s how this ad would work: We see Ash fighting the Evil Dead (in a clip from one of the first two movies, or from the new series), and he’s getting covered in blood and gore and colorful goop, and the announcer says: “Oh! That’s going to leave a stain! Is there any way to escape the stain of the Evil Dead? Yes, with the power of (whatever brand of laundry detergent, real or imagined)!” And then we hear a chain saw sound effect to represent the power of the detergent’s stain-fighting ability. And then we see Ash coming home, after a day fighting the Evil Dead (or maybe he uses the laundry machines at the store he works in), and he puts his disgustingly stained clothes in the laundry, uses the laundry detergent, we jump cut to the end of the drier cycle, and presto, out come the clothes immaculately clean and looking brand new again.

This is Ash vs. Evil Dead:

https://www.starz.com/originals/ashvsevildead/featured?gclid=CMmBus3T2cgCFYIWHwodouwFOA

The Curse of Frank N. Stein

The Curse of Frankenstein is on TCM tonight, part of their Halloween programming, and that made me think of another horrifying movie: the upcoming The Curse of Frank N. Stein.

Yes, Francis Nathaniel Stein, known as Frank Stein, is always ridiculed by everyone he meets when they first hear his name. It’s always the same lame jokes again and again from every new person he meets, for his entire life, and this is the curse he lives with, and all because of his name. Oh, the horror!

People laugh, giggle, stare, sneer, gape, and roll their eyes every time he says his name. They say: “Frank Stein? Are you Frank N. Stein?” He must say yes, because he is, in fact, Frank N. Stein, according to his driver’s license and passport. And then people joke about his parents making him from dead bodies rather than the usual method, and everyone walks around in that silly Glenn Strange Frankenstein monster walk, with their arms outstretched and their legs stiff, and they ask him is he’s ever met the Wolf Man, or if there’s a “Bride of Frank N. Stein”, and our hero must endure this same inane reaction by rote each and every time he meets a new person for his whole existence, and there’s nothing he can do about it. Indeed this is the curse of Frank N. Stein.

Will he get fed up someday and learn enough about science to create a monster to get revenge for him? Only time will tell, until you go see The Curse of Frank N. Stein, coming soon to a theater near you!

(BTW: I remember seeing an interview with the late lamented actor Christopher Lee {one of my all-time favorites} where he said he thought The Wicker Man was perhaps the best horror movie he’d ever made, but that the most important movie he’d ever made was when he played the founder of Pakistan, Muhammad Ali Jinnah, in Jinnah. Well, no disrespect intended to Jinnah or his biopic, but I think the most important movie Christopher Lee ever made was The Curse of Frankenstein, because it was the unlikely smash hit that started the big Hammer horror phenomenon and the British horror movie renaissance that lasted for over two decades. It really was one of the most extraordinary events in the entire history of cinema when the tiny Hammer Films exploded into supernova and rejuvenated the whole film industry in England, and Italy, and other countries throughout the world. It’s kind of like what Blumhouse has been doing lately for horror in Hollywood, but on a more far-reaching scale.)

Frankenstein Monster Smoke & Fire Issue

In The Bride of Frankenstein, the monster states that fire is bad, but smoke is good. Perhaps someone should have told him there’s no smoke without fire. Maybe then he would have liked fire a little more, and been less prejudiced against it and its myriad benefits.

The Green Scare

When Americans were afraid that communism was going to infiltrate and take over the United States, it was called The Red Scare. But now some Americans fear the encroachment of environmentalism and its inevitable restrictive regulations, a phenomenon that could be called, appropriately, The Green Scare.

Maybe this would make a good horror movie, where Republicans and oil and coal company executives and such are frightened and stalked by environmental activists who want to destroy their interests by implementing clean energy and conservationism. Or perhaps it would make an even better fun political ad for the green movement, showing how scary they are to the dirty energy people, climate change deniers, and their shills in the government.