VW Emissions Scandal

Apparently the emissions shenanigans perpetrated by Volkswagen are more widespread than initially reported. But this is no surprise, because essentially Volkswagen was founded by Adolf Hitler, and the Nazis are known to have used poison gas to kill people. And so isn’t it obvious that when Hitler realized Germany would lose the war, he set up this car company to spew poison gas as exhaust, unbeknownst to us, to kill us all in revenge after his death?

I guess VW might actually stand for: “Vengeance Weapon”. The V-1 and V-2 rockets were also called vengeance weapons, so there is a precedent for this type of nomenclature.

Maybe the new model VWs will have a Hitler mustache on the front grille (kind of like a smaller, darker version of the Lyft mustache)? Or would that give the game away too much?

(BTW: I was hesitant to post this originally, as I didn’t want to offend anyone. But Real Time with Bill Maher essentially made the same joke on their 11/20/15 show, so I feel vindicated now. But I feel confident that while it’s okay for Bill Maher to make the same joke, I’ll be judged naughty and offensive for doing so myself, especially since I came up with it earlier.)

And I’m not joking about Hitler’s role in founding VW: Look it up if you don’t believe me.

Controversy Cuisinart

Yes, folks, for all you people cooking up a wicked brew of divisiveness, it’s the new Controversy Cuisinart: It stirs controversy! It pulverizes sanity and journalistic integrity! It agitates anger and produces outrage! It mixes up the facts into a malign purée of misrepresentation! Don’t accidentally get caught in its whirling blades or it will tear you apart and spit you out! Use it on others whom you wish to destroy! It’s dishwasher safe and cleans away responsibility for negative effects completely, and its easy seal top keeps the slinging mud from spraying out and sticking to you, protecting you from your own slime!

That’s the Controversy Cuisinart: Order yours today!

The Justice Department Political Corruption Unit (New TV Series?)

Look out, it’s The Justice Department Political Corruption Unit, the new law enforcement procedural TV show with a twist! Yes, in each thrilling episode, political corruption by the party holding the White House is exposed by investigative journalism or whistleblowers, and the Justice Department springs into action, covering up corruption, denying wrongdoing, destroying evidence, muddying the waters, calling off investigators, tying prosecutors up in red tape, intimidating reporters, whistleblowers and witnesses, spying on and introducing malware onto the computers of anyone who wants accountability, and running out the clock, ultimately declining to prosecute those guilty of corruption despite mountains of evidence due to partisan favoritism.

And that’s the twist: the Justice Department actually helps the criminals and traitors get away with it this time (if they’re from the same political party as the White House and Attorney General, that is…), rather than enforcing the law and discouraging corruption. Surely this will be just the twist Americans want to see in a show about law enforcement! Because, after all, they’ve been putting up with it for 15 years in real life, so I’m guessing they must like this kind of thing by now.

Amazon’s Unlimited Screaming Internet Ad

I see someone finally used that obvious advertising idea of calling streaming “screaming” for Halloween horror movies I posted in 2012 as a suggested ad for NetFlix’s Halloween advertising. It’s hard to believe it took that long for someone else to think of it, but as far as I can tell, it did. But I suggested it in 2012 on this blog. (Maybe someone else did it and I missed it? It was pretty obvious, though, so I wouldn’t be surprised.) Here’s the link:

http://unconditionedresponse.blogspot.com/2012/10/netflix-halloween-streaming-ad.html

Bose QuietComfort Headphones House of Usher Ad (Proposed)

In Edgar Allan Poe’s The Fall of the House of Usher, Roderick Usher cannot stand noise of any kind. He claims that all sounds fill him with horror, and that he can even hear rats scratching within the walls. (You might remember this from Vincent Price’s characterization in the 1960 movie House of Usher.) Well, I thought this would be the perfect character to advertise Bose QuietComfort Headphones!

So in the advertisement, Roderick Usher would be visited by his friend (Philip Winthrop in the movie House of Usher), and he would confide his malady about not being able to stand any noise whatsoever, and how he can even hear the scratching of rats within the walls, etc., and his friend would say: “I’ve got just the thing! Bose QuietComfort Headphones! Here, try them.” And he gets the headphones out of his bag and hands them to Roderick. Roderick puts them on, turns on the noise-cancelling, and sits back, amazed, saying: “Wow! These are great! Now I can’t hear any of the horrific noises anymore!” Then his friend says he’s glad Roderick likes them, but can he have them back now, to which Roderick leans back and replies: “What’s that? I can’t hear you.” (<In an attempt to not give them back.)

Almond Milk “Suspicion” Ad (Proposed)

We hear scary horror movie music as we see the poisoned glass of milk from Alfred Hitchcock’s Suspicion coming up the stairs; we freeze-frame on the glass of milk at the top of the stairs and we hear a scream of terror, and the announcer says: “Milk is bad for you! Don’t drink it! Drink (whatever brand of) Almond Milk instead!”

(This concept obviously would work as well for soy milk too.)

Here’s the glass of milk scene from Suspicion, for those who are unfamiliar:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j43DaFDhggM

Supergirl’s Ears Are Pierced?

I just saw an article about Supergirl listed on a news site, and I have a question about the picture. She’s wearing earrings: how could an Earth needle pierce that super flesh? Maybe it was a Kryptonite needle?

It actually might have made for a fun little in joke for the show that she has no earrings, and when people asked her about it, she could say she just never really wanted them or something.