Cars.com Singing Extra Head (in Bouffant) Ad

Wow, I guess they must have liked the ad with the guy with two heads like in The Manster, or The Thing with Two Heads, because now we have another two-headed ad for Cars.com. This one has a young woman with a bouffant hairdo, and then her monstrous second head comes sauntering out of the tangle of hairdo and hairspray singing some love song about which car she wants. Unfortunately for her, extra heads make the car cost twice as much, and there is a “no singing” policy at the dealership, which tacks another $500 onto the price of the car. (Two-headed monsters don’t have a lobby to push for anti-discriminatory business practices, you know. But I guess they must buy cars, so maybe it’s time to push for more stringent two-headed monster protection laws.)

But you know, if I was that sales guy, I would recommend she buy a car with a power moon roof: That way, she could close it and sort of “accidentally on purpose” cut off her extra head and have it just roll down off the roof of the car and onto the street. And think of all the money she’d save on surgery that way! (It might even be enough money to buy another car! Or is that what causes these extra heads to grow to begin with?)

Oh, and another thing: If you let your other head start singing about how much you want a car, you’re not going to get a good deal on it because they will know how badly you want it, so you might want to put duct tape over its mouth before you go to the dealership.

Here’s the thing with two heads:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Xm3jQuS_Jo

And this is the Manster (When the Manster wants a new car, you better give him a good deal, or else!):

http://cinemaknifefight.files.wordpress.com/2012/09/manster.gif

Balsa Wood Balcony

TCM just showed A Fistful of Dollars, and after the climatic gunfight, some cheater tries to shoot Clint Eastwood in the back, but his friend shoots the guy first, and the villain crashes through the obligatory balsa wood balcony and falls to his death to the ground below. There are many such instances of the balsa wood balcony, including from Shane, and practically every Spaghetti Western ever made. In fact, it’s such a Western movie staple, I’m surprised there isn’t a Country & Western band called Balsa Wood Balcony. (Oh well, I guess you can’t have everything.)

But of course it’s not really the balcony that’s made of balsa wood: it’s the railing on the balcony. If the whole balcony was made of balsa wood, everyone would just fall through the floor of it as soon as they stepped onto it. That wouldn’t look cool at all! But if I just said a balsa wood railing, it wouldn’t be clear. But everyone who might die in a gun fight has got to have a balsa wood balcony railing, just so they can look cool when they get shot by their enemies and fall through it. I mean, do you think criminals want to look like wimps and get shot in a chair or something? No! To seem super-macho, badasses must get to fall through a balcony railing down to their death when they get shot. And that’s where there’s a business opportunity here for cool contractors!

Imagine the business potential for a contractor who builds balsa wood balcony railings! Yes, every drug lord and weapons trafficker would want one! Seriously: think about it! All these criminal underworld rulers watch all these badass movies too, and do you think they want to die like a dog? No! And what dog ever fell through a balcony rail during a gunfight? No, only badass villains get shot and fall through balcony railing to their death below! Even if they get to say: “Say ‘hello’ to my li’l friend!”, they still want to die better than drowning in a fountain and making the water all pink, right? And that’s why they need a balsa wood balcony to crash through and fall to their deaths! After all: all the cool people are doing it!

And this is the obvious growth industry in construction today! So get with it guys, and offer those balsa wood balcony rails today!

Pathé Color

There’s a movie company from yesteryear called Pathé. They actually still exist and make movies now, I think. But back in the early days of lush color movies, Pathé didn’t use some sensationalized-sounding name for their color films, and I think that’s a shame. Other companies used names like Technicolor, Metrocolor and Eastmancolor, so it seems to me the least they could do was call their color system Patheticolor. Wouldn’t that have sounded nice with their name? That’s the ticket! Just like William Castle’s Emergo, Percepto, Illusion-O, etc.: a name that commands respect for years to come, like Sensurround! No wonder Pathé isn’t top of the heap anymore, with bad nomenclature decisions like that.

Superman and the Flying Dutchman

Everyone seems to think the Flying Dutchman is a ship, but it’s not: it’s a guy. And guess who it is: it’s Superman! And he’s not really from outer space: he’s from Holland. That’s why they call him the Flying Dutchman: he can fly! And that’s why he has all these super powers too: because he was supposed to sail a ship for all eternity, so obviously you can’t kill him  with bullets. But due to the advent of modern technology, now the ship can go on auto-pilot, and as a result of becoming bored with always sailing around all the time now that he doesn’t have to navigate anymore, he decided to become a superhero and try to show off all his powers and stuff. (It’s true!) And that’s why he chose America: because we’re a young enough country that we wouldn’t recognize him from legend. (You didn’t think he could just go back to Holland, now did you? Everybody knows him there, so they’d see through that phony Clark Kent ruse!)

Air Guitar Injuries

Hey, we all know that there are air guitar championships and stuff, right? I’ve even heard that some of the top air guitarists are actually sponsored by guitar and string brands. And if they’re sponsored, then they’re pros, right? So then if they hurt themselves playing air guitar, is that considered a workplace or work-related injury, and do they get workman’s comp? I’m just curious about this stuff. Because I’m an amateur air guitarists, and I’m thinking of going pro. But I play real guitar too, so is that considered cheating? (I guess it’s akin to a performance-enhancing drug, or sleeping in a pressure chamber, right?)

Ultrabook Convertible Train Station Ad

In this ad for the Ultrabook Convertible, a lady starts using her Ultrabook, but it’s so futuristic, is makes everything go back in time, and she’s on a steam train platform all of a sudden. Then someone asks if it’s powered by coal and steam. But they don’t take this scenario far enough to be believable, because coal and steam can’t power such a device.

But if they just go back a little bit further, I know of something that can: witchcraft! So then there could be Puritans all around her, and she’d have this magical tool of the devil, and she’d ask where the train was, and that would be it (because there were no trains back then): they’d burn her and her Ultrabook at the stake, and the world would be safe for Apple iPads. (Just kidding: Because the apple is what the serpent used to tempt Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, they’d burn all Apple devices too as tools of Satan to tempt humanity into Internet addiction.)

Oops, sorry: they didn’t burn witches at the stake in England, did they? So maybe she’d get hanged, but the Ultrabook would be fine, and left to her ancestors, who could revolutionize the computer industry years before Apple did, and we’d all be ruled by Terminators by now.

Here’s the convertible computer commercial:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kd7F4ZDdbjk&feature=relmfu

John Hancock “You Are Not Alone” Bedroom Ad

Well, if John Hancock wants to get more swingers as customers, this ad with lots of couples in one big bedroom ought to help! It sure looks like it might attract them. But I think just to be sure, the next ad in this campaign should be all of the couples having a gang bang, and all because they’re no longer worried about their financial stuff thanks to John Hancock! Or are they trying to say that all these couples have to live in the same house and share the same bedroom because their investments all went south since they invested with John Hancock? I’m not sure how I’m supposed to read this commercial, but I’m pretty certain it’s one of these two ideas they’re going for here. (Just kidding!)

Here’s the swinging spot:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o7xwi2ZDQzQ