TCM just showed A Fistful of Dollars, and after the climatic gunfight, some cheater tries
to shoot Clint Eastwood in the back, but his friend shoots the guy first, and
the villain crashes through the obligatory balsa wood balcony and falls to his
death to the ground below. There are many such instances of the balsa wood
balcony, including from Shane,
and practically every Spaghetti Western ever made. In fact, it’s such a Western
movie staple, I’m surprised there isn’t a Country & Western band called
Balsa Wood Balcony. (Oh well, I guess you can’t have everything.)
But of course it’s not really the balcony that’s made of
balsa wood: it’s the railing on the balcony. If the whole balcony was made of
balsa wood, everyone would just fall through the floor of it as soon as they
stepped onto it. That wouldn’t look cool at all! But if I just said a balsa
wood railing, it wouldn’t be clear. But everyone who might die in a gun fight
has got to have a balsa wood balcony railing, just so they can look cool when
they get shot by their enemies and fall through it. I mean, do you think
criminals want to look like wimps and get shot in a chair or something? No! To
seem super-macho, badasses must get to fall through a balcony railing down to
their death when they get shot. And that’s where there’s a business opportunity
here for cool contractors!
Imagine the business potential for a contractor who builds
balsa wood balcony railings! Yes, every drug lord and weapons trafficker would
want one! Seriously: think about it! All these criminal underworld rulers watch
all these badass movies too, and do you think they want to die like a dog? No!
And what dog ever fell through a balcony rail during a gunfight? No, only
badass villains get shot and fall through balcony railing to their death below!
Even if they get to say: “Say ‘hello’ to my li’l friend!”, they still want to
die better than drowning in a fountain and making the water all pink, right?
And that’s why they need a balsa wood balcony to crash through and fall to
their deaths! After all: all the cool people are doing it!
And this is the obvious growth industry in construction
today! So get with it guys, and offer those balsa wood balcony rails today!
