Have you ever noticed how the small Halloween sized candy bars are called the “fun size”? It’s as if they’re trying to suggest that having a larger candy bar wouldn’t be as much fun. And that makes me wonder: is this some sort of subliminal guerilla marketing campaign by some ad man with a small penis who is trying to somehow brainwash women into thinking a smaller size would be somehow more fun? Am I alone in wondering about this?
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Cannibal Holocaust
Seeing the movie The Fourth Kind recently made me think of the movie Cannibal Holocaust, since it uses the same purportedly real fake documentary idea to present its story. But with Cannibal Holocaust, you can tell that the movie was marketed by those sympathetic to the “victims” in the movie. Had it been marketed by cannibals to other cannibals, they probably would have used a different name for the movie, like, maybe: Dinner Is Served. Or perhaps something shorter, like simply: Yum!
But with all the political correctness around these days, and the refusal to pass judgment upon alternative cultures, perhaps the movie could no longer be called Cannibal Holocaust if it was remade today. Perhaps it would just have to be called: Alternative Lifestyle Mealtime. Then everyone would go and see it, and they’d all be extra shocked and grossed-out by the graphic gore of the explicit cannibalism due to the element of surprise! (But they’d all have to hide their revulsion for fear of being indicted by the “PC Police” for being too judgmental!)
But the villains of Cannibal Holocaust are actually the white interlopers, so the movie itself is actually pretty politically correct (I guess). But in aiding (albeit unintentionally) the food supply of an endangered tribe, maybe they’re really heroes after all! They had to be jerks to the cannibals to get them to be willing to kill and eat them! See? And how could someone who tastes so good be all bad anyway? That’s what I always say…
The Spaghetti Incident
Years ago, I had a serious girlfriend, and she wanted me to come home to meet her parents, so I agreed. She said her mother was a great cook, and she asked what I wanted to have for our first dinner all together. So I said anything sounded good, except, please not spaghetti, because it’s so messy to eat, it’s hard to make a good first impression when eating it. So she said: “No spaghetti: check.” (So you’re probably getting ahead of me here, aren’t you?)
So the day finally came, and what do you think we had for dinner? That’s right: spaghetti with meatballs and the messiest tomato sauce imaginable. It was really good, but right before dinner, I saw it and said to my girlfriend in a soft voice: “I asked that we please not have spaghetti, because it’s so messy! I thought you wanted me to make a good first impression.” So she said, angrily: “You said you wanted spaghetti! Now you don’t want it? You’re impossible!” And then it was just my fault from then on. And as it turns out, I made a good impression on her parents anyway, and it wasn’t such a big deal to eat after all, so I guess it really was my fault for worrying about it to begin with. But this was the beginning of the end for this relationship, even though (or perhaps because) her parents liked me.
But this raises an interesting point: women always want guys to listen to them, but they don’t listen to guys back. So that’s not fair! From now on, because of this spaghetti thing, I think guys should never be willing to listen to women; not because they’re not interested, but out of revenge. But then again, maybe they won’t have to do it on purpose anyway. From what I keep hearing from women, men never listen to them anyway.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Harley Hoveround
Yes, it’s the Harley Davidson Custom Hoveround!
Are you a biker who’s too old to handle his “hog” anymore? Are you having mobility issues, but you don’t want to be seen riding around in one of those pansy-ass geriatric scooters? Or better yet, are you part of an outlaw motorcycle gang who is so old your new clubhouse is an old folks’ home? Well, then the Harley Davidson Custom Hoveround was made for you!
It’s an electric scooter for old people, yes: but it’s made to look and sound like a real Harley Davidson geriatric scooter! It’s got big chrome-spoked wheels, tall descending chromed chopper handlebars like from Easy Rider, as well as a big leather double banana seat so someone can ride “bitch”! (Also available with an optional bedpan chair with chromed bedpan at no extra charge!) And that’s not all, for it’s painted with hot-rod flames over black in a gloss diamond coat paint job, and it’s even got a digital soundbox and speakers to roar and rumble just like a real Harley Davidson motorcycle! Plus, with hydraulics, you can even make it pop a wheelie and squeal out like you’re a daredevil! (Although the scooter has a top speed of only 5 MPH.) And to top it all off, there’s a dry ice smoke machine inside, so authentic-looking smoke can pour from your chrome mock tailpipes! And best of all, it’s all battery-powered and completely emissions-free!
That’s the Harley Davidson Custom Hoveround: to not make it would be ‘elder abuse’!
Old Spice Sea Captain Ad
Here we have a silly and fun commercial from Old Spice, with a sea captain in what looks like an outfit made by the tailor who made the Sgt. Pepper uniforms for The Beatles, and he’s fighting a giant squid that’s biting into his shoulder, while showers of golden doubloons come pouring out of his pants pockets. Then he says he’s not actually a sea captain fighting a sea monster with gold pouring from his pockets, but the sexy woman on the couch says not to tell her nose that (!). Oh, and then they drown in a flood of gold coins as the rising tide of gold tops their heads. I guess that must be what it’s like to work for Goldline: drowning in gold all the time.
So this is really fun and everything; but the thing is, they’re selling an aromatic liquid, and then they’re saying it smells like a guy who spends all his time on a ship fighting sea monsters. Wouldn’t that guy smell bad? I mean, wouldn’t having a Humboldt squid on your shoulder for awhile make you smell like it? And I’m pretty sure they smell like slimy fish and stuff. Then there’s the idea of a sea captain on a ship for awhile: he’s not likely to be overly showered and stuff, now is he (especially if he has a sea monster adhered to his shoulder over his clothing!)?
And so this guy says he’s none of those things, but the woman says she doesn’t want to disappoint her nose, or whatever. But wouldn’t she be relieved, realistically? He’d probably smell a lot better if he wasn’t a sea captain, etc., but especially if he didn’t have a sea monster with/on him. I mean, I understand that women love gold and riches and stuff, and that perhaps this lady doesn’t want to insult or otherwise drive away the guy with the flood of gold coins spraying forth from his trousers. But seriously: we all recognize that this guy would smell terrible, right?
So I guess what I’m saying is this: Old Spice is already handicapped by the name “Old Spice” and by the sailor thing, so wouldn’t they want to say their stuff smells good? I would have thought he’d be the super-macho monster-fighter with gold treasures pouring forth from his breeches, and he’d say he is that guy, but thank goodness he doesn’t smell like it, because he’s using Old Spice! But as fun as it is, this ad makes me think their cologne, or whatever they call their smelly liquid, smells like salt, body odor, and rotten fish, because that’s what they say it smells like from what they’re showing me! And I don’t think I’m alone here in feeling this way.
Here’s a link to the ad, but you have to scroll down and click on the video called “Sea Captain”:
Or, you could just cheat and watch this one:
I’m actually talking about a shorter version of this ad, which leaves out the fake abs. That’s the one you’ll probably see more often on TV anyway.
The O’Reilly X Factor
If you love The O’Reilly Factor and The X Factor, then you’ll really love The O’Reilly X Factor! It’s the conservative pundit-off game show where Bill O’Reilly and a panel of other right-wing commentators judge a series of Republican pundit wannabes as they perform their anti-liberal screeds for the studio audience of conservative talk radio hosts! The panel critiques each competitor for propaganda power, heart-string tugging, blame finger-pointing, indictment of liberalism, government-bashing, bitching about taxes, and sucking up to the rich!
The next smash hit show a-la The O’Reilly Factor starts here! Be there or be square! (Actually, you’re more likely a square if you watch The O’Reilly X Factor to begin with.)
Solyndra
Solyndra is a company that made modular cylindrical/tubular solar panels for renewable energy. They’re in the news a lot these days, since the government sunk $500 Million of taxpayer money into it, and they went under anyway. But I think this is completely due to a failure of marketing. Had they used the following ad headline, they probably would have been very successful:
Solyndra: It’s Tubular, Dude!
Then they would have sold tons of stuff!
Or maybe they did use that ad line, and that’s why they went belly up! (But I deny it!)
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