Legalized Pot Marketing: Promotions

Hey, we all know that we’re in an obesity epidemic, so everyone is constantly attacking fast food, snack food, etc., right? Well, most of the anti-fattening-food people are also pro-legalized-pot people! And you know what that means, right? Why, it means you have to make them choose!

That’s right: we all know that even the most hardcore health food bully is also a pot sympathizer, so once pot comes into the issue, they pipe down! (Get it? “Pipe down”? Ha ha? Oh, sorry…) Plus, pot makes everyone want to eat tons of junk food, so the perfect marketing promotion would be for every fast food restaurant, pizzeria and snack food company to offer free pot with every purchase! (The food police can’t bitch, because they love natural, healthy marijuana, as opposed to evil pharmaceuticals, so they’ll just let it be. After all, when was the last time you heard anyone blame the obesity epidemic on pot and its munchie-inspiring qualities? {I’m guessing never.}) And once the potheads show up and smoke their spliff at a fast food place, they’ll feel compelled to stay and try the whole menu! (Same with snack food: they’ll eat the whole bag of Doritos, forget they did it, want more pot, and the cycle continues!) And then once everyone gets into the habit of eating this stuff once they’re stoned, it won’t even matter anymore when health activists ban junk food companies from including free pot with their food. (Or, wait: maybe people already eat this stuff when they’re stoned anyway? Oh, never mind. But hey: A bird in hand is worth two in the bush, right, which means that once you’re stoned, you’ll always eat whatever happens to be there, so it’s still a great promotional opportunity for junk food/fast food companies to include newly-legal pot with their food!)

(Full disclosure: I support pot legalization, as well as all drug legalization. The money would be way better spent on treatment programs for those who need it than on prohibition, which never works. If cigarettes and alcohol are legal, then why not everything else? {The answer is lobbying, if you’re interested.} I’m just joking about pot legalization for fun, in the context of marketing and promotions.)

New Legal Marijuana Cigarette Brands?

Now that legalized pot has passed in a few states, I think it’s time some evil corporation got involved and started selling brand name marijuana cigarettes by the pack! That way, when anti-drug activists and politicians attacked them, the big cigarette companies could spew out years’-worth of confusing statistics claiming it’s not bad for you (coming out of their own research facilities, paid for with corporate funds, and designed to muddy the waters on the science), and then these companies could bribe everyone to leave them alone with political contributions, squadrons of lobbyists lobbying for them non-stop, etc.

You see, that’s the reason legalized drugs never seem to take off: these pro-drug hippies don’t know anything about how to set up evil corporations, because they’re counter-culture stoners, and nobody in government takes them seriously. But if they knew how to play like the big boys, everyone would be smoking “Jazz Cigarettes”, and nobody could do anything about it! (Except maybe run propaganda ads against it, like they do with cigarette smoke now...)

BTW: Here’s a short list of possible brand names for potential corporate marijuana cigarette brands:

Jazz Cigarettes

Wacky Tobaccy

Reefer Madness

Icky Sticky Ciggys

Stinkweed Smokes

This Bud’s for You

Caterpillar Cigarettes (Named after the Caterpillar from Alice in Wonderland)

Cheech & Chong’s Nice Dreams Cigarettes

Stoked Tokes

Stoner Smokes

F*cked-Up Filtereds

Bong Breath

Ace Is High

Coughtacular Cigarettes
Jammin’ Joints

And the major cigarette brands would have to get in on the action and create their own brands, like:

Mary Jane Marlboro

Marlboro, Man.

Luckier Strike

Salem Spliffs

Salem Sticky

Winston Wowies

Benson & Hash

Virginia Stoners

Parliament F*ck-Up-A-Delic

Rothman’s Coughmans

And, of course, for people who wanted to quit smoking marijuana cigarettes, there would be “Jones” brand cigarettes: with 1/6 the THC, you’ll “Jones” through the whole pack!

Zales Celebration Diamond Collection Ad

“Diamonds so expertly cut, we guarantee them for life.” Such is the tag of this new Zales commercial. But only guaranteed for one lifetime? I thought a diamond was forever (That was the old slogan for diamonds: “A diamond is forever”; or is that only De Beers diamonds?); so how come they don’t guarantee them forever? Does it crumble to dust when its owner dies or something? Or are they suggesting that diamonds that are less expertly cut will break and shatter in less than a lifetime (but only the ones at Zales)? I’m sorry, it’s just that forever and 40-60 years are much different scenarios, so I’m wondering if the Zales diamonds are perishable or something?

Here’s the disconcerting diamond ad:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hfz-KgqZCOo

HTC Droid DNA Cyborg Creation Ad

A-ha! So now we know what these cell phone tech companies are really after: creating a new species of Borg drones! I knew it! (They can’t deny it now!) Just look at this truly horrifying commercial: This guy gets plugged in with wires and stuff (just like the Borg from Star Trek: The Next Generation), and then they upload some virus into him, and he’s transformed into a hideous unfeeling machine-man of death! (They even say out loud: “It’s not an upgrade to your phone, it’s an upgrade to you!” What do you think they’re talking about here anyway? It’s a Borg assimilation!)

I always knew these cell phone companies were trying to forcibly “evolve” mankind into a new race of hybrid computer-people commanded by cell phone company conglomerates to go do battle until only one monopoly of cell phone/internet/cable TV company remains to reign supreme above us all, so they can artificially jack up prices as an unbreakable monopoly! (That’s what the Borg is: They used to be a bundled cell phone/internet/cable TV company on Earth, but once they conquered us all, they moved on to other galaxies to force into multi-year contracts, and the remnants of humanity managed to break free of their control and form the Federation of Planets with other rebellious and formerly subjugated worlds, thanks to fed-up customers James T. Kirk and Mr. Spock: It’s true!)

And if you buy this phone, the Borg will conquer the world for centuries! Help, help! Stop their evil plan to mutate human DNA and combine it with smartphone nano technology: it’s all they need to conquer humanity and subjugate us all! Curse you, HTC! (HTC stands for “Human Tech Conversion”, which proves they’re trying to assimilate us all into the Borg!)

Fight! Resist! Even if it feels futile, resist! (But, you know, at least the Terminators won’t bother us if we’re already being controlled by SkyNet, so maybe it’s all for the best.)

Here’s the culture conquering commercial:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IYIAaBOb5Bo

New Star Wars Remake?

Well, we seem to be in the era of big government, with most of the media proselytizing for all the needed government interventionism we see taking hold more and more, and even Republicans refusing to cut big government spending, so long as it’s for the military. But not everyone is on board with this idea, so how about making a movie to indoctrinate them and their kids, so nobody will ever ask for smaller government again?

Well, it would be really easy: all they would have to do is remake the huge blockbuster Star Wars, but with the Empire as the good guys! That way, they could show how the Empire is always trying to help the needy and care for the sick and elderly, but those misguided rebels are always trying to destroy the good works that this big galactic government is doing, claiming it’s repressive. Then the movie could depict the rebels as immature brat Tea Party terrorists who are just trying to destroy Medicare and Social Security (because they obviously hate old people), or else as Occupy hippies trying to tear down the benevolent government (because they must stigmatize success), requiring the construction of the Justice Star (the new name for the Death Star) to repel all government enemies so that big government can provide for the galaxy and build enormous military might unimpeded!

And with this new take on Star Wars, surely everybody would become convinced and join in on electing big-spending candidates only, and Tea Party Republicans and Occupy protesters would be sought out and destroyed, just like the remnants of the free Republic government and Jedi Knights in the original Star Wars saga.

So That’s Why They Call It “Horse”

Yes, I’m afraid it’s true: a successful horseracing jockey (perhaps the biggest name in the world for a diminutive jockey) has been suspended for 6 months after a positive dope test. So that’s why they call dope “horse”: I always wondered why that was. But apparently it is suspected to be cocaine, not dope, the jockey did, begging the question: “Why call it a ‘dope test’ if you’re testing for stimulants? Is it to trick test subjects into thinking stimulant drugs are not on the test so they can catch them more easily?” (Maybe they can claim the teacher said it wouldn’t be on the test.)

But I have a question: Why drug test a jockey? He doesn’t run the race; he just sits on the horse that does. And especially if they’re on cocaine, heroin or methamphetamine, won’t this just give the clean riders an extra advantage when the drug-addled, jonesing jockey makes his horse break off the race and take him downtown to “score” more drugs? (And that’s why they call it “horse”: because jockeys always ride a racehorse to go “score” some.)

Here’s the dopey story:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/sport/2012/dec/05/british-horseracing-authority-frankie-dettori-drugs

Political Lifestyle Ads?

I love to joke about the idea of products and companies employing political attack ads to smear each other, and there are countless examples of this type of idea on this blog. But what if political ads stopped attacking opponents, but rather, tried to lure in potential voters and party members with lifestyle ads, just like products do? So rather than the sucking-in-their-cheeks models hanging around looking bored on the Riviera for a cologne ad, or football fans hanging out and getting chicks at a bar for a beer ad, maybe the Republican Party could show super rich guys racing around in the most expensive cars imaginable, getting out and walking into mansions with servants and luxuries galore, marrying supermodels, and then laughing at tax forms and ripping them up: then maybe they could attract people who want that lifestyle. And then the Democrats could show suffering people being helped by the government, and then show young people smoking legal marijuana and getting laid, and then having college parties where they throw bricks through TV sets showing Fox News, and maybe even fighting with police in a street protest against war or Wall Street. And then people could look at the lifestyles offered by the two political parties in their ads and make a decision on which party they want to join based upon what life they think they want to lead.