Tums Chicken Attack Ad

I have said it before and I'll say it again: Those cows guilt-tripping people in the Chick fil-A ads are fine for people who feel guilty about the fact that cows are slaughtered for beef, but for those who don't care, it's just a silly concept. (Not that a silly concept doesn't make good ads, though...) But if they really want us to eat more chicken, they should show us that chickens are a threat to our safety, and that if we don't eat them, they'll attack and kill us all (and our families!). And so this new Tums ad, where a baked, headless chicken attacks a man who is grilling in his back yard (yes, chickens will attack you even after their heads are cut off, which is why you must actually eat their bodies to eliminate the threat. You know, kind of like shooting zombies in the head. Only it tastes a lot better to eliminate the threat posed by a chicken. I speak from experience.) would make a great ad for Chick fil-A. Right after the chicken attacks the man, the cows could show up with a sign that says, written in their awkward, misspelled bovine penmanship: "See? Wee tryed 2 warn yoo. Eat mor chikin, or els theyl kil U!"

Here's the backyard barbecue brutality from the fowl fighting fiend:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k3ju3qmFjZU

BTW: The part at the end is a dirty lie! Cooked headless chickens are violent and deadly, and they never want to play volleyball when they could kill you instead! Don't fall for this ad's dangerously misleading tag, or you won't live to tell about it!

Also, remember that Burger King ad with the Kung Fu chicken that was trained to have "just the right amount of kick"? Well now apparently there are whole martial arts schools dedicated to training chickens to fight human beings, even if they're already cooked (!). You heard the chicken make those martial arts sounds, right? What else could it mean? (Even without a head, chickens are capable of making those sounds!)

Axe Body Spray Closes School, Hospitalizes Students

Naughty boys sprayed too much Axe Body Spray in a sixth grade classroom in Brooklyn this week, closing the school and hospitalizing several students. But what the story doesn't tell us is why hospitalization was necessary. It makes it sound like they went to the hospital due to the smell or chemical poisoning, but the truth is even more shocking than that. It seems that once the aroma dispersed, the girls in the classroom attacked and tore the clothes off of the boys wearing the Axe Body Spray, clawing viciously at the cloth until it shredded and ripped apart. And the disrobing was so violent and forceful that the boys' skin was flayed off in places: such is the extreme attractiveness of Axe Body Spray to females, apparently regardless of age. Police said this was consistent with other instances of Axe Body Spray use, as evidenced by their advertising. Even the teacher sexually assaulted the boys, however police say this is quite common nowadays even without Axe Body Spray.

This is what really happens when Axe Body Spray is used outdoors, so imagine how intense the reaction must have been inside a school classroom:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I9tWZB7OUSU

Used Car Lot Carjacking Ad?

CNN recently had a news story about a man who was held up at gunpoint in his own home for the keys to his nice Mercedes, and we saw very detailed surveillance video of the incident, and then the news anchor asked what people ought to do to avoid being carjacked. And the first thing that came to mind for me was that you shouldn't drive a nice, expensive car. And then, with my crazy advertising on the brain, I couldn't help but think this scenario would make a good ad for a used car lot: We could see a surveillance video of someone being carjacked for their nice expensive car (a Mercedes, a BMW, a Jaguar, etc.), and then the used car salesman says: "Want to avoid getting carjacked? Buy a used car! Nobody wants to steal a used car! And we've got just what you want for fun, reliability, and safety! So come on down to (whoever's) used cars, and get yourself protected against carjackings today!"

(BTW: Yes, it's not actually a carjacking because the guy wasn't in his car when it was stolen. It's really an armed hold-up for a car, but whatever. CNN said it was a carjacking, not me.)

Armor All Corrosion of Conformity (Joke) Ad

As we all know, Armor All makes protective stuff to prevent corrosion and such. And so, I thought it might be fun to have an ad with the band Corrosion of Conformity to show how well Armor All works at preventing corrosion. And so in the ad, we'd see the band members from Corrosion of Conformity, and they'd all be wearing the same color and style of suit and shoes, and they'd all have the same haircut, and they'd say: "When we were younger, we hated conformity, so we tried to rebel against and discourage conformity with our aggressive rock band. (We'd see video of some of their early concerts edited in.) It was working out pretty well for a while, until conformity started using Armor All. Armor All protects everything against corrosion so well, all of a sudden it was no longer possible to corrode conformity whatsoever, and we found that we all had to conform too, and change the name of our band to just Conformity. We couldn't even resist at all, no matter how hard we tried. So if you want to protect something from corrosion, use Armor All: It worked well for conformity."

Here are a couple of links to Corrosion of Conformity albums:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QWsgCudNliI

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VeorGbiPfUs

Gender's Game

Yes, it's Gender's Game, the exciting sic-fi adventure movie about a world training for war against an alien race from a distant planet! (And it doesn't rip off Ender's Game any more than Ender's Game rips off Starship Troopers, so no worries!) And because Earth's society in the movie has adopted a completely gender equal society, gender equality is mandated in the military; and due to rampant discrimination lawsuits, the only way the military could figure out how to be sure everything truly is, or at least appears, completely equal is to have everyone work in teams of two: one male and one female. But whereas the alien race reproduces asexually, and therefore with no emotional complications, humans still have to deal with love and sexual attraction and emotional attachment and jealousy and unrequited love and gender-based miscommunication, etc. And so in the simulated training missions (which are secretly the actual intergalactic war playing out for real), most couples' strategic combat efficiency and effectiveness are continuously impaired by sexual tension, attraction to one another, nervousness and awkwardness being so close to a member of the opposite sex (oh, and this is the genetically-engineered future, where eugenics cause everyone to be the very apex of sexual attractiveness, and all military trainees are teenagers at the absolute apogee of their post pubescent hormone overload), falling in love, paranoid of rejection, etc., and so they are constantly strategically outmatched and militarily overwhelmed in combat scenarios. Oh, but one couple are at the very top form of focus, strategy, performance, etc., and defeat the aliens in each and every encounter. And as it turns out, unbeknownst to the government and the military, and to all other trainee couples (all of whom are way too distracted with lust for their partner to notice anything about anyone else whatsoever), the boy is gay and the girl a lesbian in this super performance couple. And so it is the very fact that they are gay that enables them to succeed in this futuristic system, since they are not in the least bit attracted to or distracted by each other, and as such, they save the Earth from the alien invaders! And so, recognizing that the world has been saved by gay people, the government grants marriage equality to all, and both of our heroic team members gets married to their heretofore secret sweetheart. The End.

(Since the Ender's Game author is reportedly anti-gay, I thought it would be fun to have gay characters win the day in this take off on Ender's Game, and have it be not only that they are gay, but that this fact is what enables them to function so well within the confines of the military system, which had been designed to discourage homosexuality. And since the author is specifically opposed to gay marriage, naturally this take off ends with the military government granting marriage equality in recognition of the heroism of our heroes.)

(And of course, I support marriage equality for all, which is implicitly protected in our Constitution, as all equal rights are, whether people want to acknowledge it or not.)

Vulnavia (From "The Abominable Dr. Phibes")

Being an enthusiastic horror movie fan all my life, I have often heard the question of what the best female horror movie character is. Well, there are lots of votes for Luna (from Mark of the Vampire) and the Bride of Frankenstein, but I think my vote is for Vulnavia (from The Abominable Dr. Phibes). She's so elegant, mysterious, exotic, and as one character puts it: fashionable. She's such a delightful character, gliding through the movie like some sort of ethereal avenging angel, and I have no idea how she came to be, as there's nothing in the story to suggest where she came from or who she is; but she shows so powerfully how men's attraction to women's looks to the point of ignoring everything else can so easily be their downfall, and as such, I think she's a wonderful feminist screen icon, using her looks as a weapon against venal, lustful men in Western society. And to draw them in further in a way that many male comedians (and lots of men in general) mention would make "the perfect woman", she doesn't speak a word throughout the whole of the movie. And embodying this male fantasy character as she does, young, thin, exotically beautiful, silent, fashionable, exuding wealth and class, uninhibited, all the men she targets willfully drop all their defenses and fall victim to her (and her partner-in-crime, Vincent Price's Dr. Phibes).

But who and what is she, and how did she come to work for Dr. Phibes as his assistant avenging angel? Is she a black magickal homunculus, a robot, a replicant of some sort? Did she answer some personal ad in the newspaper that read: "seeking silent, beautiful, clothes-horse assistant for flamboyant revenge plot, no yammering, no fatties"? We never get to find out why she would even want to help Dr. Phibes in his revenge, and her emergence in the beginning of Dr. Phibes Rises Again makes it even more curious (although it makes her appear to be some evoked magical spirit, since she just appears out of nowhere at the mention of her name). But from the events of the first film, she could be Dr. Phibes's daughter from a previous marriage, or some adopted daughter, I suppose. She speaks not a world, but when splashed with the acid, she screams, so that seems less like a robot or magickal spirit. Oh well, if we knew where she came from or who and what she was, she would lose some of her mystique and allure; and at the moment, she's got that in spades!

Obamacare and "The Abominable Dr. Phibes"

Last night, TCM had a whole day of horror movies for Halloween, and since it was Vincent Price month too, most of them were Vincent Price movies. And near the end of the day, they showed The Abominable Dr. Phibes, where Vincent Price kills a medical team one-by-one for failing to save his wife during an operation, and using the biblical Plagues of Egypt as the method to kill them. And since this revenge is healthcare-related and biblical, it dawned on me that this is probably exactly what the Republicans opposed to Obamacare would like to do to get revenge on President Obama, Kathleen Sebelius, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, and all the other Democrats responsible for passing and implementing Obamacare.

And since the Republicans are all religious conservatives, naturally they would want to use something from the Bible so they could act like it was divine judgment and retribution. Oh, but they wouldn't be allowed to do it, would they, due to the separation of church and state? So if they tried to do it, they'd probably get in trouble with the ACLU. Even if they argued that it was an artistic flourish, the fact that it has its origins in the Bible would likely get it ruled unconstitutional. And as we all know, Republicans are all about the Constitution being sacrosanct, so they wouldn't want to get embarrassed by doing something unconstitutional.