CompulSorry

CompulSorry is the place to go when you must make a mandatory apology for something you said that you don’t regret, but you must make a compulsory apology anyway. It’s one of a number of businesses popping up to help people make a compulsory apology (or “CompulSorry”, from Compulsory + Sorry), like Grovel, Inc., ePologies, Mandatory Sorry, Forgive.net, ApoloGuys, The Contrite Site, The Penitent Tent, eShame, GetRegret, The Sorry Store, Mea Culpa Co., and many more in this growth industry of forced apologies for the serious crimes of clumsy word choice, unnecessarily unabridged honesty, failure to keep up with and memorize the current politically correct banned word dictionary, etc.

So the next time you put your foot in your mouth and must provide a mandatory sorry you would rather not have to do yourself, come to the site for all things contrite: CompulSorry! Our guys will help you apologize.

Arousa

Apparently the pharmaceutical industry is working hard on a female version of Viagra, or at least a product to help women with sexual arousal and/or an increase in libido. And if they ever perfect a pill for such a purpose, I would like to propose a name for it: Arousa.

The slogan could be: Wowza! Yowza! Arousa! (Or: “Get the Wowza Yowza Arousal of Arousa!”)

Rice Krispies Sounds Ad (Joke/Proposed)

We see two bowls of Rice Krispies: one bowl of real, Kellogg’s Rice Krispies, and a bowl of a generic Rice Krispies knock-off, and a hand by each bowl pours milk into them both, and we hear one, and then the other, and the Rice Krispies make the sounds: “Snap, Crackle, Pop!”, but the other one makes a different sound, imitating the original, but not the original, sounding like: “Crap, Snaggle, Plop!” (Or: “Crack, Gaggle, Slop!”, or: “Slap, Mackerel, Flop!”) (We see the sounds written in cartoon speech balloons hovering over each bowl.) Then the announcer says the other brands try to copy Rice Krispies, but no matter how they try, they just can’t equal the “Snap, Crackle, Pop!” of the original, Kellogg’s Rice Krispies!

(Knock-offs may not make the sounds: “Snap, Crackle, Pop!” or they’ll get sued for trademark infringement. But they can make similar, less appetizing sounds if they want to.)

Scope Halle Berry Ad (Proposed)

This is one of my old portfolio pieces from a few years ago, a simple TV spot for Scope featuring Halle Berry. The announcer would say: “How would you like to meet Halle Berry?” Ad then we’d see Halle Berry approach the camera, and she’s smiling. Then the announcer says: “How about if you had halitosis?” (<The word “halitosis” would be pronounced similarly to how “Halle Berry” is spoken, so like: “Halle Tosis”.) And then we see Halle Berry say, to the camera, standing in for the person she’s meeting: “Hello.” And then the person who wants to meet her says (in a POV shot): “Hhhhello, Hhhhalle, I’ve been hhhoping to meet you sssomeday!” (<With special emphasis on the “H” and the “S”, so expel the greatest amount of air possible.) And the person she’s meeting has really bad breath, so Halle Berry instinctively winces and pulls away from the yucky-smelling breath. Then the announcer says: “Bad breath can ruin first impressions and drive people away, so use Scope, and your fresh minty breath will help make the most of every encounter.”

Label Maker Jen Psaki Ad

A reporter asks Jen Psaki if America is at war with ISIS, and she says: “We don’t like using labels like that.” And then the announcer chimes in, saying: “Maybe that’s because she doesn’t know how easy it is to make your own labels with the new (whatever brand of) label maker! Making labels is a snap, so you can label whatever you want for any purpose!”

(That happened today: someone in the press corps asked Jen Psaki if America is at war with ISIS, and she said the administration doesn’t like using labels like that.)

“Cars” Brand Liquor

Kids love the Pixar Cars movie, but so do adults! So then why do kids get all the branded products? We adults should get some Cars branded products too! Like, for instance, liquor:

Cars Brand Rum: Ads show cars drinking it, and they rev their engines, saying: “Rum! Rum! Rum!” (Cars ask for it by name, like cats do Meow Mix!) It’s the rum that ups your RPMs!

Cars Brand Lightning McQueen’s White Lightning: Lightning McQueen’s signature moonshine! Its “high octane” formula will supercharge your party’s horsepower!

Cars Brand Race Fuel Alcohol: Grain neutral spirits raring to go, with a rip-roaring 160 proof alcohol level so you can race into drunkenness at top speed!

Mater’s Radiator Fluid: American Absinthe Verte that’s the same color as antifreeze: it’s sure to break the ice and rev up any party!

Come on Pixar, you know we want the Cars liquor! After all, that’s how NASCAR developed in the first place: moonshine runners trying to outrun the feds! So it’s only right that you should sell Cars brand liquor!

(P.S.: Don’t drink and drive!)

E-Trade “Cars” Type-E Ad (Proposed)

E-Trade has a new campaign where Kevin Spacey shows up and engages in amusing banter with people regarding their investments, and then they ask the all important question: “Are you ‘Type-E’?” But if they’re going to have their slogan be: “Are you ‘Type-E’?”, then why not make use of that great classic example of a Type-E: the Jaguar E-Type? And what better way to do that than to use characters from the Cars movies?

So this proposed ad (using the already established “Are you ‘Type-E’?” slogan) would have Sally Carrera arrive at a classic car show where a Jaguar E-Type (David Hobbscap) is being showered with attention and awards, and she asks the Jaguar: “Things are going great now, huh? But are you planning for the future? E-Trade can help you secure your financial future so your life can go full speed ahead with no worries.” And then she’d say that E-trade is perfect for the Jaguar E-Type, because E-Trade specializes in helping investors who are “Type-E”, and the Jaguar says: “Hey, that’s me! I’m a Type-E!”

(The Jaguar E-Type is one of the most beautiful car designs of all time, and is an absolute classic. Plus, there was one in Cars 2: DavidHobbscap, so the character has already been designed and is sitting as a file in a computer somewhere just raring to go as an advertising actor; just start him up and let him go!)

This is a Jaguar E-Type:

http://carspics-db.com/data_images/gallery/01/jaguar-type-e/jaguar-type-e-05.jpg

http://www.ultimatecarpage.com/images/large/2326-1.jpg

http://www.motorsbros.com/images/Jaguar-E-Type-42-05.jpg

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/6/65/Jaguar_E-type_Lightweight_Low_Drag_Coupe_-_Flickr_-_exfordy_(2).jpg

http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4103/4964270871_bc9622e69c_o.jpg?width=1280&height=1080