Air Freshener “Air on the Side of Caution” Ad (Proposed)

The announcer asks if our home is perhaps permeated with foul odors we have become acclimated to, and suggests that when we have guests over, especially ones we want to impress, perhaps it would be best to “air on the side of caution” by using (whatever brand of) air freshener, which kills germs, removes odors and leaves our home smelling fresh and inviting. And further ads could suggest we “air on the side of freshness” (and other qualities).

Viagra “Dead Wood” Ad (Joke/Proposed)

A 50-something male tree doctor looks over a tree, breaks off a dead branch, and speaks to the camera, saying: “You know, when you care for trees, it’s important to get rid of the dead wood. And you know, I got rid of my dead wood when I started taking Viagra.” Then the slogan would be: “Viagra: Rejuvenate your wood.”

Tomcat Dead Mouse Theater Ad

Ooh: ghoulish! Dead mice are stuffed and made into unwilling theater thespians in this silly ad for Tomcat Mouse Killer. It’s kind of like a pest control ad version of the movie Dead Silence, where people are killed and turned into puppets by an evil supernatural puppet master. Hey, maybe this is the same evil maniacal supernatural puppet master staging the play in the ad; after all, what else are they going to do with their dead mice? I guess there must be a pest control issue at that haunted theater. (Hey, is this ad intended as a horror movie for mice?)

Hey, maybe in another ad they could get that DJ Deadmau5? (Before he was exposed to Tomcat mouse killer, he was just a normal, pesky, disease-carrying mouse; but after Tomcat, he became the super popular and creative DJ “Deadmau5”. And Tomcat will do the same miraculous transformation for every mouse it kills! {<Claim not verified by the FDA; individual results may vary.})

Here’s the maniacal mouse-murdering marketing message:

http://www.ispot.tv/ad/7NWa/tomcat-vikings

The Tiananmen Squares (The Game Show)

The Tiananmen Squares is the Chinese version of The Hollywood Squares, the long-running American TV game show staple. The set is almost identical, with a large 9-box square, looking a bit like one side of a Rubik’s Cube, but with chairs for guest stars instead of colors. But in The Tiananmen Squares, the guest stars for all the squares are missing, because all of the guest stars, protesters during the Tiananmen Square Massacre, are either dead or in prison because they protested the government for democratic reforms. So the game show is a bit frustrating for viewers, with no guest stars present, and as a result, nobody is there to actually play the game or to answer questions; but for the government, it serves its purpose well, intimidating viewers with the suggested message indicating that if you have the temerity to protest or to criticize the government, you will likely be killed or become a political prisoner for years. So the show will undoubtedly run for as long as the current repressive regime remains in power.

This is The Hollywood Squares, for those who aren’t familiar with it:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hollywood_Squares

(The current pro-democracy protests in Hong Kong, and the brutal over-reaction by the authorities, reminded me, and everyone else, of the Tiananmen Square Massacre. Oops!)

Purell “I Want to Hold Your Hand” Ad (Proposed)

As the Beatles’ song: “I Want to Hold Your Hand” plays, we see a bunch of short vignettes of situations where people want to hold someone’s hand, but they are repelled by something yucky they see happening to the person’s hand just prior; so they pull out a small bottle of Purell hand sanitizer, and they squirt a bit in their hand, rub their hands together, and then they hold hands (or shake hands) with the person in question.

Examples of scenarios include:

A young child picking their nose and then reaching out for their mother’s hand.

A burly man spitting in his hand before a handshake on a deal to buy property.

A significant other sneezing into their hands upon approach, and then stretching out their hands in greeting.

A man holds hands with his girlfriend, he sees something on the ground, bends down to pick it up, and it’s gross, whereupon he puts it down and wants to hold hands again.

Nutrisystem “Fast 5” Ad

Nutrisystem is a prepared food diet where you get meals shipped to you, and if you eat only them, supposedly you will lose weight. Recently they have advertised a “Fast 5” offer where the first five pounds you lose are free or whatever. But whenever I hear or see “Fast 5”, I always think of the movie Fast & Furious 5, which was advertised as Fast Five. Well, that made me think maybe Nutrisystem should take a cue from these movies and say that if you’re “Fat & Furious”, you can lose a “Fast 5” with their special offer. (Or would that sound too insensitive? I hope not, because dieting could make us feel like action movie heroes.)

Honeycup Mean Mr. Mustard Ad (Proposed)

In this ad for Honeycup Mustard (my favorite brand of honey mustard by a long shot, but which is hard to find here), Mean Mr. Mustard is a man who loves mustard, but he’s mean because he is so unhappy and frustrated that he cannot find any mustard he deems worthy of the name mustard. But then one day, someone gifts him with a jar of Honeycup Mustard, and he finds its taste and spicy bite fit for the gods. And so he becomes Mild Mr. Mustard, thanks to the rich, spicy taste of Honeycup Mustard. (But then, in a tag, we see him unable to find a delicious Mayonnaise, and so he becomes Mean Mr. Mayonnaise {or Mean Mr. Mayo}, until he finds Sir Kensington’s Mayonnaise. In fact, Mean Mr. Mayonnaise could be a separate ad for Sir Kensington’s Mayonnaise.)