Police Special Effects Department

Now that the police will start having to wear body cameras, the evidence in the videos may no longer support their version of events. That’s why the police department is creating a team of special effects CGI artists to animate their version of events into the video if they’re not already present. And with the high quality of today’s CGI animation, and the low quality of body camera footage, we’ll think their version of events is always substantiated!

And while this may not be such a great turn of events for justice, think of all the jobs it will create for all the CGI artists who can’t get into movies or TV! And after enough of their videos make it onto the news to support police claims, the effects artists can get into the IATSE union! And as long as they keep their mouths shut about what their job really was, they’ll stay out of jail to make that move into TV and film work they’ve always wanted!

Coors Light Werewolves Halloween Ad (Proposed)

In a clearing in the forest a group of men from a nearby village meet to hunt for the werewolves that have been ravaging the countryside. Night is falling, and they are waiting for one of their group to arrive with the silver bullets they need to kill the werewolves. The guy arrives just as the full moon is rising over the tree line. They ask him if he brought the silver bullets, and he says yes and produces a case of Coors Light: The Silver Bullet. The men are upset that he has brought the wrong kind of silver bullets, and as their frustration turns to terror a group of werewolves appears from behind the trees. The men are petrified with fear as the werewolves approach them, but as they get closer, the werewolves change into beautiful women who notice the Coors Light and thank the men for bringing the party to them. The group begins to dance and party, etc., and the announcer says: “Let Coors Light transform your party!”

(This proposed ad is also from my 2008 ad portfolio.)

Gap Kids “The Brood” Ad (Joke/Proposed)

David Cronenberg’s movie The Brood has this brood of mutant children attacking people, and they wear matching outfits, which always made me wonder if they got their clothes from Gap Kids. So I thought the movie The Brood would make for a fun joke ad or Halloween-themed ad for Gap Kids.

We could see some scenes from the movie of the brood attacking people and such, and the announcer says: “Raising a brood of children can be difficult at times. That’s why here at Gap Kids, we make clothing them easy!”

Condom Internet Ad Headline (Proposed)

Use (whatever brand of) condoms, so Tinder won’t make your urine burn.

Christian Cruises Slogan?

Get Cruise-ified! Our three-day and weekend Christian cruises will lift you up from the cross you have to bear and take you to heaven!

(No? That wouldn’t work? It might offend someone? Oh, well… Sorry.)

Dodge Ram Pickup Truck Egyptian Pyramids Ad (Proposed)

An archaeologist explains that it had always been a mystery how the ancient Egyptians moved the massive stone blocks to build the pyramids, but that recent findings have revealed how they did it. He shows us a newly-discovered wall of hieroglyphics that shows the pyramids being built, and in front of the stone blocks being transported there is the Dodge Ram logo. Then we are shown a 3-D computer animation of Dodge Ram pickup trucks pulling the enormous stone blocks across the sandy Egyptian plain, up earthen ramps and into place in the pyramid.

(Believe it or not, I wrote this ad in 2008, before the Dodge ad where George Washington drives a Dodge Challenger to fight the British, and I can prove it. But once I saw the George Washington Challenger ad, I thought it was similar enough that I dropped this one from my portfolio. A PBS show about Tutankhamun reminded me of this spot of mine, so I decided to post it. Why not?

Oh, and I love that Dodge Challenger George Washington ad: one of my favorites. But I’m sure all creative people know that feeling of coming up with something original, and then before you can get it out there you see someone else did something similar, and you’re like: “Damn.”)

What Burned King Tut’s Mummy?

I saw an episode of Secrets of the Dead on PBS last night called: “Ultimate Tut”, and in the show they explained many recent theories about how King Tut was killed, why his tomb is so small, etc., in addition to mentioning that his mummy was burned, and a theory claiming it was self-combusting linseed oil that was responsible. Well, I’m no scientist, but I think I know why King Tut’s mummy was burned: it was Aten’s revenge!

I’m sure you all remember that the Aten is the sun disk, and that Tutankhamun’s name was originally Tutankhaten, meaning: “living image of the Aten”. We also know that Tutankhamun abandoned his father Akhenaten’s new religion and returned to Thebes and the worship of Amun. Well, this probably made the Aten angry, and obviously after his death, the Aten got its revenge by burning King Tut’s mummy. And it only makes sense that if you got close to the sun disk, it would burn you, right? And so when the Aten entered Tutankhamun’s tomb, it burned him, and also caused those brown dots on the walls of the tomb the scientists are trying to trick us into believing are some kind of fungus because they don’t believe in ancient Egyptian deities.

This is all just common sense here, and the scientists are trying to mislead you so you won’t believe in Aten. But they’ll get theirs when the Aten cremates them later when it comes for revenge, mark my words. And I know I’m right because these scientists and archaeologists themselves said that no other tomb had the brown dots on the walls, and no other mummy was burned like King Tut’s mummy was, and also, no other pharaoh betrayed the Aten like King Tut did. And so, as you can see, it all makes perfect sense when you realize that Aten got revenge on King Tut.