Dawn of the Dieting Dead

The flesh-eating zombie thing really has been done to death at this point, so I think we could use a change. So here is the horrifying new zombie film: Dawn of the Dieting Dead!

One day in the near future, the dead come back to life. But they don’t want to eat you nor your brain. In fact, they don’t want to eat anything at all…! But if you think we’re safe, there is another, even more horrifying threat posed by the dieting dead: they give us all negative body image, and they make everyone feel fat! And so before you know it, all of the living stops eating too to try to diet themselves into looking as thin as the dieting dead, and pretty soon, one by one, humanity succumbs to malnutrition and we all join the ranks of the dieting dead. But at least everyone will look good in skinny jeans.

Think you’re hungry for shocking, visceral horror? You won’t be anymore when you see Dawn of the Dieting Dead! Coming soon to a theater near you.

Vengeance of the Vegan Dead

The night the dead vegans come back to life, and they eat up all the vegan food in the country, so the only thing that’s left for living vegans to eat is… meat, and more meat!

The most horrifying film ever made for vegans, it’s: Vengeance of the Vegan Dead! Coming soon to a theater near you.

Planters Peanut Lovers Ad (Joke/Proposed)

We see a close-up of a woman in bed. She rolls over onto her side of the bed, spent and satisfied, and she says: “Wow, that was great!” Then we pan over to the other side of the bed, and it’s Mr. Peanut, the Planters logo mascot. Then the announcer says: “Planters peanuts: A dream for peanut lovers!”

Laxative Can Do Ad (Proposed)

Someone is miserable because they’re constipated, and their friend asks them if they can do something with them, like go to the movies, or go out on the town, and the constipated person says: “Can’t do.” And the friend asks why, and the constipated person says: “Can’t do.” And the friend says: “Well not with that attitude you can’t! Here take (brand of laxative): it’s the ‘can do’ laxative!” And the friend tosses a packet of the laxative to the constipated person, who looks at it and takes a dose. Then we see the formerly constipated person come out of the bathroom, and the friend asks: “What do you say now?” And the formerly constipated person says: “Can do!” Then as we see the two friends grabbing their things and going out the door together, the announcer says: “Can’t do due to constipation? (Brand of laxative) is the ‘can do’ solution!” (Or: “(Brand of laxative) gives you a ‘can do’ attitude!”)

Gas-X Fart of Darkness Ad (Joke/Proposed)

Agent Marlow is sent by the United Nations Security Council to find the notorious recluse Mr. Furtz, who has set himself up in the middle of nowhere planning who knows what, but they’re pretty sure it’s nefarious in nature. In any case, his setup most certainly stinks, and his mission sure seems malevolently malodorous. So our hero Marlow seeks, and eventually finds Mr. Furtz, following his nose all the way, and tells him the UN thinks his behavior doesn’t smell right, and there seems to be more than a whiff of danger in the air. But Furtz tells him that’s why he left society to set up far away from everyone else on Earth: not to harm the world, but to save it from his naturally occurring deadly gas emissions. So our Mr. Marlow says he has come to give Furtz a way out. Alarmed, and thinking it’s a death sentence, Furtz says he should have expected this from the world he has tried only to protect, but remembering his love of humanity, he resigns himself to his fate and tells Marlow that maybe it’s all for the best. But Marlow says he didn’t mean to execute him, he only meant to help him, and instead of a gun, he pulls out a package of Gas-X; for Gas-X can neutralize Furtz’s deadly gas attacks, protecting humanity and permitting Furtz a place back in society. And so Marlow returns Furtz to civilization, where he is welcomed and honored, and everyone lives happily ever after, thanks to Gas-X!

Kashi Meet Our Farmer Joke Print Ad

My sister eats all the whole grain hippie food, and when over at her house recently I saw a box of Kashi cereal with this picture of a farmer on the back of the box, with the headline: “Meet Newton”, and a blurb about how he loves to grow their food, etc.

So when I first saw this thing, I immediately joked that they should have one with a picture of a Republican farmer wearing a baseball cap with a Confederate flag or a Skoal logo, or: “Forget, Hell!” on it, and have the blurb say: “Meet Junior. He’s the guy who grows your hippie food. He voted for Trump, he hates liberals, and he thinks ya’ll are a bunch of commie traitors. But he believes in the free market and the law of supply and demand, so he’s willing to go against his conscience and grow your hippie food for the lure of the almighty dollar. Don’t worry, he probably doesn’t spit Skoal into it. Much.”

Here’s a link to Kashi’s webpage where the “Meet Newton” piece is, just scroll down below the “Meet Richard” piece:

https://transitional.kashi.com/en_US/Meet-Our-Farmers.html

Viagra Niagara Falls Ad (Proposed)

In the 20th Century, especially the first half of the 20th Century, Niagara Falls was the most popular place for newly married couples to go for their Honeymoon. It was so well known that the popular song: “Shuffle Off to Buffalo” was written about this phenomenon. It may not be the number one honeymoon destination anymore, but I’m sure there are plenty of senior couples who are still married who did go there for their honeymoon, and so I thought it might make a fun ad for Viagra to show one, or some, of these couples going back to Niagara Falls for their second honeymoon, and the slogan could be: “Go back to Niagara with Viagra!” or: “Come for your second honeymoon in Viagra Falls.”