Disney Star Wars Possibilities

As most nerds know by now, Disney has bought the rights to the Star Wars stuff from George Lucas. And you know what that means, right? Finally there will be a planet of little mermaids, Dumbo flying elephants, beasts (from Beauty and the Beast) with talking china and kitchen utensils, etc. Oh, but the part that excites me the most is the possibilities of mixing Star Wars with other Disney properties; and you know what I’m talking about, right?

That’s right, I’m talking about throwing the Marvel Comics characters into the new Star Wars movies! Seriously, whenever Tony Stark needs money, he could time-warp into the Star Wars galaxy to sell the Death Star to the Empire, or to sell light sabers to the Jedi Knights (after all, he is a weapons salesman, right? How else can he pay for his Iron Man stuff?), etc. Oh, but proving they’re evil, the Empire stiffs him, so he time-warps back through the time-space continuum with The Avengers, and they team up with Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia to kick Darth Vader’s and the Evil Emperor’s asses! You know it would be great! Oh, and to wrap the whole thing up nicely, it turns out that the Sith lords are given all their power by Galactus, and when The Fantastic Four defeat him with the ultimate nullifier, the Sith lose their power, enabling Luke Skywalker (and the Avengers) to defeat them! And so peace reigns throughout the Star Wars galaxy (at least until Tony Stark needs more money, that is)!

And we could get buddy movies like Chewbacca & Beast (from X-Men), Han Solo & Wolverine: An Army of Two Rebels, Jar Jar Binks & Howard the Duck, Darth Vader & Dr. Doom, Darth Sidious Meets Dark Phoenix, etc. It would be great! Plus, there could be all kinds of spin-offs, like The Submariner in the Water World of Naboo, The Incredible Hulk vs. the Rancor, The Kingpin vs. The Hut, Ghost Rider Joins the Pod Race, etc.

But this whole Disney/Star Wars thing opens up another possibility too: Star Wars on Ice! I think Robot Chicken already made fun of that possibility, but now it could be real!

To Save Money: Instant FEMA? (Just Add Water.)

Hey, we all know about government waste, but we need government when we’re in trouble, right? So how can we find a balance that works for us? Well, it’s just like we found with instant coffee: dehydrated FEMA!

Look, we all know that instant coffee tastes just as good as the best coffee, right? (No? Yes it does!) And the same would be true for the disaster relief of FEMA, too! And really, don’t we really need FEMA the most when there’s a lot of flooding around, like from hurricanes and stuff? So they’d self-activate! All we’d have to do is add water, and the storm would do that for us! Then they would instantly appear to help! What could be easier?

We must have the technology for this stuff by now, right? So the answer is clear: an instant, dehydrated, freeze-dried FEMA! (Just add water.) It’s just right for America! (We can get the Maxwell House people to develop it for us! Hey: they did such a great job with coffee, right? And we need coffee even more than government here in America, apparently! So they must be the right ones for the job! Right?)

Sit & Sleep Guarantee

Sit & Sleep is a bedding and furniture store that advertises mattresses non-stop here in Southern California. Their big slogan/guarantee is at the end of every television commercial: “Sit & Sleep will beat any advertised price or your mattress is freeeeeee!” But is this such a good idea? It seems to me a competing store, or someone who wanted to set up a new competing business, or just anyone who wanted them to stop running those ads, could easily take advantage of this guaratee to scam them out of lots of mattresses!

Here’s how this scam might work: A competing business (or anyone pretending to be one, really: after all, they didn’t say it had to be an ad from a real store; just an advertised price) could put an ad in the paper claiming to be selling mattresses at way below cost. Then they could go to Sit & Sleep with the ad in hand and get all the mattresses at that advertised price or else get them all free. This would likely put Sit & Sleep out of business while at the same time increasing the competitor’s stock of mattresses for peanuts. (And if customers come in to the competitor’s store to buy the mattresses, they could say they’re out of stock because everyone rushed in and bought them all for the rock-bottom price.)

So, Sit & Sleep, have I stumped you at last? (Well, whatever it takes to get those ads to stop. Seriously: they’re really annoying! You’re like the Crazy Eddie of L.A.)

Rising Sea Levels?

I keep hearing experts on the news saying that rising sea levels have made storms more severe, etc. But is this really true? Because what else do we keep hearing about? That’s right: the obesity epidemic! We keep getting fatter and heavier, so couldn’t it be possible that rather than the seas rising, our fat bodies are simply making the landmasses sink from all the excess weight? I mean, that water level is rising, but maybe they’re measuring the wrong factor here! And if this is the case, and we’re making our country sink into the ocean, couldn’t it be the case that once, long ago, the legendary civilization of Atlantis sank into the sea due to an ancient obesity epidemic, where endless buffets and Baconators plunged their advanced civilization into an ocean of overindulgence? This could be what’s happening right now to us! (Hey, you never know! This is the problem with agenda science: they never want to find the truth! It’s probably because they’re always funded by Big Hamburger and Grande Mocchiato.)

Goldie Hawn Gold Investment Ads?

I keep seeing these ads for Rosland Capital with William Devane, an actor. Well, I can’t believe I didn’t think of it until now, but why not have Goldie Hawn be the spokesperson for one of these gold investment companies? After all, her name is “Goldie”! She could say her hair is gold, her name is Goldie, she’s won a golden Oscar statuette, and so her career is built on gold; so now she invests in gold, and so should you! It’s worked out great for her, and it will work out great for you, too!

MyDirtyPC.com

For years now I have had to put up with these stupid MyCleanPC.com ads. I don’t know why I never joked about them so much before, but I guess I must have muted the ads. But watching tonight during some VH1 special on The Who’s Quadrophenia  it struck me that some Internet porn company could start a service called My Dirty PC .com (playing off the MyCleanPC.com name), and send people all the online porn they want to their computer, or else MyDirtyPC.com could be an all-access pass to every porno website the company is affiliated with, etc. And then maybe MyCleanPC.com could have a special feature that would strip all the porn off of your computer for you, just in case you want to get it all off in a hurry!

They Made Me A Criminal!

A few weeks ago, I saw Bruce Lee’s Enter the Dragon again on TV. I think I may even have written about it then. But this reminded me of something, and that’s the nunchaku (better known to most Americans as nunchucks). Well, when I was in high school, I bought some nunchucks and learned how to use them. I injured myself pretty extensively doing this, but I eventually mastered the entertainment version of the art of nunchucks: that is to say, I could swing them all around my body and look cool (or at least I thought so at the time) like Bruce Lee did in Enter the Dragon, but I couldn’t actually use them for anything else.

It’s not that I didn’t try. It’s just that whenever I tried to hit something with them, they’d bounce off of it and hit me in the head. And I got those Warner Bros. cartoon bumps on my head. Oh, but I have a hard head, despite being a medium-sized guy, as demonstrated whenever some jock in high school would head-butt me to look tough and then they’d knock themselves out and fall down, only to say to me as I revived them afterwards: “Wow, you have a hard head!” (This happened a number of times to me in middle school and high school.)

But not everyone has a hard head. And this is why I think nunchucks are now against the law to even possess in many states. I understand, but I still think it’s silly that I can have a gun, a knife, a sword, etc., but I can’t have nunckucks. (Apparently I can stab or shoot anyone I want, but I’m not allowed to hurt myself while attempting to hit someone else with nunchucks.) Because I hardly ever kill people with nunchucks besides maybe myself. And that’s the thing: with my hard head, I can survive nunchucks, but I guess not everyone else can. But I seriously doubt they’re illegal because people kill other people with them. I think it’s because people kill themselves with them. (Anyway, they were legal when I bought them years ago.)

But no matter the reason, they made me a criminal, and it’s not my fault! Because I know I have some nunchucks somewhere (I think), but I have no idea where they are anymore. And most of the time I forget I even have them, or that they’re against the law. But I’m sure that doesn’t matter! I am a murderous fiend, hiding murderous weapons for future use (once I get off the couch and get in shape, that is) according to them. And were I to take them to the police station (assuming I could even find them), I would probably be arrested for possessing them. But if I just threw them in the trash, some kid might find them and kill themselves with them, and then I’d be to blame. So there’s really no winning once the government decides to make stuff like two sticks and a string illegal. Or, at least, that’s how it seems to me.

So anyway, I probably still have some nunchucks somewhere, or at least I think so. And I guess that’s bad or something. And that’s my story of how They Made Me A Criminal!