We all know about the story of the tortoise and the hare, right? So how about a twist on that for an ad for Rogaine called: "The Tortoise and the Hair"? The ad could say that the tortoise's love life was slow because he was bald, but then he used Rogaine, and he got this great head of hair, and so now he's winning, and his love life is fast. And for an extra joke, he could be dating rabbits, because of the original tortoise and the hare reference, and also because of something else people generally think of in reference to rabbits, which might be an extra incentive for men to want to have a full head of hair. (All these ads sell this kind of stuff this way.)
The really fun part of this ad would be showing some tortoise with some hair metal band hairdo or something. That would look ridiculous!
Friday, May 3, 2013
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Buzzkill (The Superhero / Super Villain)
Yes, it's Buzzkill: a superhero to some, a super villain to others! Buzzkill "trips" across the land, killing people who are getting high, the deadliest assassin in the War on Drugs!
How came he to be this way, this deadly vice warrior, killing buzzes and those who have them? Well, his origin is believed to be as follows:
He was a fierce DEA agent, always wanting to bust drug dealers and druggies alike, when on one occasion, while trying to bust a gang of drug kingpins making batches of LSD, crystal meth, PCP, cocaine, heroin, ecstasy, GHB, Special K, and all that other stuff, next to a nuclear power plant, a shootout between the DEA and the drug dealers caused a radiation leak, and then a flash-bang grenade set off a small nuclear explosion just as he was kicking in the front door, soaking him in a radioactive lysergic acid drug bath, granting him extra-sensory perception to detect and locate people getting high (!). And once he hones in on these druggies, he lets loose with his Super Drug Ray, instantly overdosing them in whatever drug they're currently high on (!!). Of course this put him on the wrong side of the law, distributing drugs in such a way, plus killing people, but big supporters of the drug war think he's a hero (especially the ones who hate the idea of letting people get high).
So he's a hero and a villain, depending on who you ask, with undeniable super powers. And if you're secretly getting high somewhere, beware you don't find yourself in the sites of Buzzkill, the ultimate buzzkill of all! (Just another thing to be paranoid about, man...)
Oh, but might Buzzkill reverse his sympathies, changing sides in the War on Drugs to instead of killing buzzes and those who have them, getting everyone high instead? Perhaps he'll have a change of heart and get everyone in the DEA high so they can mellow out for a change! Oh, but if he's going to do that, he'll have to transform from Buzzkill to The Stoner.
And if he becomes The Stoner, he'll have to team up with his new sidekick superhero Munchie Man to deliver pizzas and tacos and burgers and stuff to everyone he gets high.
How came he to be this way, this deadly vice warrior, killing buzzes and those who have them? Well, his origin is believed to be as follows:
He was a fierce DEA agent, always wanting to bust drug dealers and druggies alike, when on one occasion, while trying to bust a gang of drug kingpins making batches of LSD, crystal meth, PCP, cocaine, heroin, ecstasy, GHB, Special K, and all that other stuff, next to a nuclear power plant, a shootout between the DEA and the drug dealers caused a radiation leak, and then a flash-bang grenade set off a small nuclear explosion just as he was kicking in the front door, soaking him in a radioactive lysergic acid drug bath, granting him extra-sensory perception to detect and locate people getting high (!). And once he hones in on these druggies, he lets loose with his Super Drug Ray, instantly overdosing them in whatever drug they're currently high on (!!). Of course this put him on the wrong side of the law, distributing drugs in such a way, plus killing people, but big supporters of the drug war think he's a hero (especially the ones who hate the idea of letting people get high).
So he's a hero and a villain, depending on who you ask, with undeniable super powers. And if you're secretly getting high somewhere, beware you don't find yourself in the sites of Buzzkill, the ultimate buzzkill of all! (Just another thing to be paranoid about, man...)
Oh, but might Buzzkill reverse his sympathies, changing sides in the War on Drugs to instead of killing buzzes and those who have them, getting everyone high instead? Perhaps he'll have a change of heart and get everyone in the DEA high so they can mellow out for a change! Oh, but if he's going to do that, he'll have to transform from Buzzkill to The Stoner.
And if he becomes The Stoner, he'll have to team up with his new sidekick superhero Munchie Man to deliver pizzas and tacos and burgers and stuff to everyone he gets high.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Cannibalism at Jamestown
A news story today claims there was cannibalism at the Jamestown settlement, the earliest English settlement in America (in 1607). Now, this really comes as no surprise. After all, everybody knows Abraham Lincoln was a vampire hunter, and that Queen Victoria was a zombie hunter, so of course it figures that there were cannibals at Jamestown. They were probably cannibals before then, and that’s why they had to leave England. And they likely named the settlement “Jamestown” because King James is who they wanted to eat the most. (King James was reputedly the most delicious monarch in history {allegedly}.)
Now this is of particular interest to me because, according to my late grandmother, I am descended from an original Jamestown settler, like, on my father’s mother’s mother’s father’s whatever’s side. I don’t really know for sure, though. But I guess I could look it up on CannibalAncestry.com, huh? (Eat your way up your family tree!) But if this is true, then the Jamestown Society could end up being one of those secret cannibal clubs like we keep seeing in horror TV series episodes, where they all meet to commemorate something, and they eat someone to attain eternal youth. Which would mean that all the original Jamestown cannibals are still alive, living eternally through cannibalism! (Maybe? No? Oh, well…)
And hey, come to think of it, how about a new series of historical horror movies about colonial cannibalism? We all love history now that there’s stuff like Vikings and The Borgias, right? But apparently it must be sensationalistic enough to deserve any attention. And so how about cannibalism to get kids interested in history? What’s the worst that could happen? A new wave of cannibalism? (As long as you don’t look too delicious, there’s nothing to worry about, right?)
Here’s the cannibalistic story:
Selling Property on Other Planets
Some guy has a company selling plots of property on the moon, Venus, Mercury, etc. Well, if there are aliens out there in flying saucers, and they haven’t attacked us yet, they certainly will now! Or will they simply retaliate and sell property on Earth, sending extra-terrestrials here to kick us out of our homes? (You thought robo-signings were bad? Just wait!)
Here’s the spaced out, alienated story:
Cher & Cher Alike
Hey, how about Cher writing a children’s book about teaching kids to share, and call it: Cher & Cher Alike? She could go on tour with her secret twin sister, and they could share all of her groupies and party substances together! Now that’s a great lesson for children, teaching them to share, right? No? Oh, well, okay: back to the old drawing board, I guess…
Bayer Advanced Gary Ad
In this spot for a Bayer Advanced gardening product, we see a woman in a Home Depot-esque store asking for something to help her garden, and the salesman says he has just the thing: Gary. Well, Gary ends up being a guy who gets not only sold into slavery by Bayer and the store in a clear case of conspiracy to commit human trafficking, he then gets dumped into a shopping basket, has his arm smashed by the woman’s car’s hatch back lid, gets bashed all around inside the car, and then gets tossed onto the pavement at the woman’s house, just like so much refuse. Well, after that, apparently he’s had enough, and he uses his black magic powers to turn himself into some Bayer Advanced garden product. Oh, but after such horrible mistreatment, which is I believe actually a crime against humanity, wouldn’t Gary want to kill this lady’s garden? And the ad doesn’t show us the effect of this product, so that must be what happens (!). (Serves her right for engaging in human trafficking!)
Oh, and at the end of the commercial, the slogan is: “Bayer Advanced: Your Passion Is Our Passion”. Really, Bayer? You do know that practically everyone can see this ad, right? And that means that you are not only condoning, but also embracing, every twisted, dark passion in even the most heinous of people. Some people like other people to go to the bathroom on them: are you guys into that? (I guess that’s kind of close to fertilizer, so it’s kind of close to garden food, I suppose.) And how about necrophilia? Are you into that at Bayer? Because if you’re not, some necrophile could sue you for false advertising. Because after all, you did say: “Your passion is our passion.” And you didn’t specify what the hell that’s supposed to mean, so you must just be into every passion imaginable, right? And if you say no, then you are admitting to wanton false advertising. (Oh, don’t even try to tell me you didn’t consider criminal perversions when you said that. We all know what you’re into! Weirdos!)
Here’s the slavery-supporting spot:
(Just kidding! This is kind of a cute ad, but it does look rather like Gary is being sold into servitude, doesn’t it?)
FreeCreditScore.com Score Planner Brett Michaels Ad
In this commercial for FreeCreditScore.com, a couple is playing with the online tools for this company’s website, and after checking the normal stuff, they try a new tool called the “Brett Michaels Slider”, and Brett Michaels appears in their living room, playing an acoustic version of a Poison song. So, um, is this tool especially designed to punish people with bad credit? Candy-assed fake hair “metal” songs? I mean, to force Brett Michaels on someone, that’s pretty bad; but to punish people with acoustic versions of Poison songs? That’s clearly cruel and unusual punishment. And I thought America does not torture. Or does that only extend to entities that don’t donate campaign contributions to politicians re-election campaigns?
Here’s the candy-assed commercial:
(BTW: The song played here is “Every Rose Has Its Thorn”, and I take that to mean that this Brett Michaels thing is clearly the thorn of using FreeCreditScore.com: having to listen to acoustic versions of Poison songs. Oh, and apparently everyone’s wife will throw themselves at Brett Michaels when he shows up, so this service will obviously destroy a lot of marriages. So, um, does this company also own a divorce law firm? If not, they might want to buy one before including this Brett Michaels slider.)
(P.S.: No disrespect to Brett Michaels; I just don’t like fake pop metal ballads. But if you do, then by all means sign up for FreeCreditScore.com and get your fill.)
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