A news story today claims there was cannibalism at the Jamestown settlement, the earliest English settlement in America (in 1607). Now, this really comes as no surprise. After all, everybody knows Abraham Lincoln was a vampire hunter, and that Queen Victoria was a zombie hunter, so of course it figures that there were cannibals at Jamestown. They were probably cannibals before then, and that’s why they had to leave England. And they likely named the settlement “Jamestown” because King James is who they wanted to eat the most. (King James was reputedly the most delicious monarch in history {allegedly}.)
Now this is of particular interest to me because, according to my late grandmother, I am descended from an original Jamestown settler, like, on my father’s mother’s mother’s father’s whatever’s side. I don’t really know for sure, though. But I guess I could look it up on CannibalAncestry.com, huh? (Eat your way up your family tree!) But if this is true, then the Jamestown Society could end up being one of those secret cannibal clubs like we keep seeing in horror TV series episodes, where they all meet to commemorate something, and they eat someone to attain eternal youth. Which would mean that all the original Jamestown cannibals are still alive, living eternally through cannibalism! (Maybe? No? Oh, well…)
And hey, come to think of it, how about a new series of historical horror movies about colonial cannibalism? We all love history now that there’s stuff like Vikings and The Borgias, right? But apparently it must be sensationalistic enough to deserve any attention. And so how about cannibalism to get kids interested in history? What’s the worst that could happen? A new wave of cannibalism? (As long as you don’t look too delicious, there’s nothing to worry about, right?)
Here’s the cannibalistic story:
