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NYC Groundhog Day (The Horror/Terrorism Movie)

New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio is speaking today about an alleged NYC subway terrorist plot referred to be the new Iraqi prime minister. But there was a news story today claiming Mayor de Blasio killed a groundhog when he dropped it earlier this year, and that there was allegedly a cover-up at the zoo, and I was wondering if he was going to apologize for that wanton act of groundhog murder.

And that’s when it hit me: the groundhog murder and the NYC subway plot: they’re connected! Yes, you see, groundhogs know that Mayor Bill de Blasio has gotten away with groundhog murder, and they want revenge! And what kind of plot could groundhogs carry out? Why, an underground one, that’s what! And where’s the subway? It’s underground, isn’t it? And so it’s clear that this threatened subway plot is going to be carried out by groundhogs to get revenge for their fallen, murdered comrade Hizzonah got away with killing by covering it up. And then I thought this would make for an exciting horror/action/revenge/terrorism/nature-strikes-back movie, taking place in New York City, and showing the horrific revenge of angry groundhogs on the city’s subways.

Just imagine it: rabid, monstrous groundhogs attack the city’s subway system, and they won’t leave until they’re chewed us all to bits! There’s only one thing we can do: deliver the mayor to them on a silver platter, but the riot police, using police state tactics, won’t let the citizens get justice for the groundhogs!

It’s all the man-eating groundhog terrorist action you can handle, it’s: NYC Groundhog Day, coming soon to a theater near you!

(This is all just a joke, I hope you understand.)

Here’s the story about the grisly groundhog murder and cover-up:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-nation/wp/2014/09/25/report-staten-islands-famous-groundhog-died-after-bill-de-blasio-dropped-it/

2002: Revenge of the Super-Intelligent Space Shapes

After the events of 2001: A Space Odyssey, different super-intelligent geometric shapes arrive to fight the rectangle monoliths: ellipses and triangles. And so it’s ellipses and triangles vs. rectangles in a battle for geometric supremacy in our galaxy!

It all starts because the ellipses and triangles are mad, after seeing in 2001: A Space Odyssey, that the rectangles are getting all the credit for being higher forms of super-intelligent life, and they want revenge, and credit for their own geometric from of super-intelligent brilliance and sophistication. And once the rumble begins, all the other polygons join in the fight in a free-for-all of rhomboid shapes, circular shapes, stars and irregular shapes: the sky’s the limit!

Well, it’s a brutal battle between the shapes, destroying not only the universe, but also all polygons. Once it’s over, nothing remains but points and lines, and the universe has to evolve again from square one: a new Big Bang.

It’s all the pissed-off persistent polygon pummeling you can handle; it’s: 2002: Revenge of the Super-Intelligent Space Shapes, coming soon to a theater near you!

(Maybe the plot to the upcoming movie of the 1980s video game Tetris will be like this.)

The Phantom of the Oprah

Apparently Oprah’s OWN network hasn’t been meeting ratings expectations, but I believe I have an idea to increase interest and spike viewership: create a “Phantom of the Oprah”, where her network is haunted by a terrifying spectral phantom! You never know when he’ll strike or who he’ll target next! Then everyone will tune in to see what the Phantom will do.

Be Fruitful: The Christian Breakfast Cereal

A joke ad I wrote for Froot Loops called: “Forbidden Froot” made me think of this silly idea for a Christian fruit-flavored breakfast cereal called: “Be Fruitful”. It would be all natural flavors, because surely science cannot better the natural flavors created by God, and as a result the cereal would be very healthy and nutritious.

And so the ad would show Adam and Eve eating Be Fruitful cereal in the Garden of Eden, and the slogan would be: “Eat Be Fruitful and multiply your nutrition!”

Forbidden Froot (A Joke Ad for Froot Loops)

A Michelle Obama speech about childhood obesity causes the parents of two little kids to hide the Froot Loops and tell their children they may not have Froot Loops anymore due to the threat of childhood obesity. (They hide the Froot Loops in the back of some very high cupboard in the kitchen.) Oh, but we all know about Forbidden Froot: we only want it that much more because of the allure of the forbidden. And so the children go to extreme lengths to get the Froot Loops, building a rickety tower of chairs and end tables to climb up to the high cabinet, almost falling and killing themselves, which shows their parents that it’s more dangerous to try to put a prohibition on Froot Loops than it is just to let their kids have them. And so the kids live happily ever after, eating the previously Forbidden Froot of Froot Loops.

Jockey Buzz Aldrin Conspiracy Punch Ad (Joke/Proposed)

Jockey already has a fun ad referencing Buzz Aldrin, which made me think of this joke/proposed Jockey ad featuring Buzz Aldrin:

We see footage of Buzz Aldrin in astronaut training, on the moon in his space suit, and then in heroic news photos and film. Then we see conspiracy theorists claim the moon landing was a hoax, and that the government should admit it, etc. Then we see a some jerk call Buzz Aldrin a “liar” and a “coward” for his part in the alleged moon landing hoax, and then Buzz Aldrin punches the guy in the face. Then the announcer says: “Jockey supports Buzz Aldrin even when others don’t.”