Ginkgo Trees

I just saw a segment on CBS Sunday Morning about the memorial for disabled soldiers in Washington, D.C., and they said they had planted gingko trees there because they are survivors, and because the leaves turn the color of flame around the time of Veterans Day.

I’m sure that’s very thoughtful of the memorial planners to want the trees to look like they’re on fire on Veterans Day (Don’t you think that might not be the best design idea for solders who might have PTSD?), but maybe they should have stopped to consider what the trees smell like. Where I went to college, we had a bunch of gingko trees, and I can tell you, when their seedpods drop off, they smell like a festering, rotting garbage truck. It’s enough to make you gag. I think that smell is going to be like a slap in the face to veterans visiting the memorial, and that’s the last thing they need.

Plus, apparently some people are allergic to gingko and can get a poison ivy-like rash from touching some of what drops off the trees.

So nice choice, guys! They’re pretty, but they really stink. But I guess that makes them perfect for Washington, huh: lovely exterior, rotten inside. Oh, and like most Washington projects, they will require an awful lot of continuous and expensive maintenance, adding to our budget deficit, and taking funds away from the VA.

Couldn’t they have selected oak trees? You know, the kind you tie a yellow ribbon around? They would have been beautiful and smelled fine, plus offered shade and strength to our disabled veterans. Oh, and like I said, there’s that connection to supporting soldiers we all already know.

I’m glad they made the memorial, but I think they messed up with the trees.

Maybe they can offer free nose plugs for visitors (although I doubt even that would help with gingko trees).

Viagra Military Barracks Ad (Proposed)

A group of soldiers lounges around in their barracks; lying down, napping, reading magazines, sitting around and socializing. Then, a high-ranking officer enters the barracks, their commanding officer yells: “At-te-e-en-tion!” and the men all jump up from wherever they are, and from whatever slouching, lounging position, and they leap into place, standing up straight at attention. Then the announcer says: “This is what Viagra does for men with erectile dysfunction.” Then we see a product shot of a package of Viagra, and the announcer says: “Viagra: Stand up and be counted!” (Or: “Viagra: Get up and go!”)

Penis Enlargement The Incredible Hulk (Joke) Ad

We see Bruce Banner, and something causes him to turn into The Incredible Hulk, growing to enormous size, ripping through his clothing, amazing and terrifying people around him, etc. Then the announcer says: “This is what (product) does to your penis.” Then the picture cuts to a product shot (of whatever “male enhancement” product), and the announcer says: “(Product): Helps you achieve an incredible transformation, like gamma rays for the Hulk.”

The Flash (Upcoming TV Series)

There’s an upcoming TV series called: The Flash, starring the popular comic book character who can run fast and, um, er, uh; hm. Well, he can run fast, anyway. I thought it was going to be a movie, but it will be a whole TV series (!). What’s it going to be about? How will they fill up a whole TV series about a hero who runs fast?

Hey, I have an idea: they could have him face a villain called Molasses who slows our hero down in a variety of ways, like pouring molasses over him in one episode, or making him eat a Marathon Bar candy bar in another episode. (Marathon Bar candy bars had ads in the late 1970s where characters would claim they did everything fast, and then some jerk would challenge them to eat a Marathon Bar fast, and they couldn’t, because it’s milk chocolate covering chewy caramel. I always wondered why they never used The Flash: maybe too expensive to pay royalties for the character?)

(Surely Robot Chicken has already done a joke about The Flash in bed having premature ejaculation, and his partner saying: “Oh, so that’s why they call you ‘The Flash’.” But if not, hopefully this new TV series will broach the issue.)

I hope the show will be sponsored by Nike running shoes and Monster energy drinks.

Garnier Fructis “47 Ronin” Ad?

The recent big budget box office bomb 47 Ronin is on one of my movie channels this evening, and one of the characters is some evil witch woman whose hair moves around according to her will, acting as appendages and such. And seeing this, I thought: “Hey, how about a shampoo tie-in ad for 47 Ronin using this character?”

So in this 47 Ronin shampoo ad, for Garnier Fructis (because they’re all about strong hair and such in their ads), this woman would be poor and miserable because her hair is limp and unmanageable. But then she uses Garnier Fructis shampoo, and her hair begins to move around, and she finds she can use it as a weapon, or do anything with it she chooses. And so she becomes rich and powerful, and all due to her powerful new hair, thanks to Garnier Fructis. Then the slogan says: “Garnier Fructis: Bring your hair to life!”

Here’s a picture of the character from 47 Ronin and her autonomous hair:

http://thedarkglobe.files.wordpress.com/2014/01/8b6aa-47-ronin-the-witch.jpg

Salem Cigarettes “Salem’s Lot” Joke Ad

In this joke ad for Salem cigarettes, we’re inside the vampire’s house from Salem’s Lot, and as the teenage victims get stuck in the cellar, the vampire’s coffin bursts open, and the vampire rises up from the grave (he’s green instead of blue this time, because of the menthol), smoking a Salem cigarette, and he says: “Salem’s got a Lot of flavor!” The vampire steps out of his coffin and opens another coffin, and it’s filled with cartons of Salem cigarettes. And then we cut to the next scene, and the vampire and the teenagers are all smoking Salem cigarettes together, and the vampire smiles his toothy grin and says: “Now, are you ready to try drinking?” (Or, alternately, for an anti-smoking twist, the vampire could say: “Smoke enough of these and you can sleep in a coffin too, just like I do!”)

This is the vampire from Salem’s Lot:

http://www.horrornewsnetwork.net/images/barlow.jpg

http://www.vampbags.com/uploads/2/3/2/6/23262176/1585166_orig.jpg

Take The Saltine Challenge (Joke Ad for Premium Saltine Crackers)

I know this is a bit, um, arcane, for most, but there was a great punk rock band called The Plasmatics, and they used to introduce their songs using the Japanese version of 1, 2, 3, 4 (like the Ramones sometimes counted off songs using the German of 1, 2, 3, 4). Anyway, the way the guy yelled it, it used to sound to us like: “I eat saltines!” when we were in middle school. And when I heard it again, their song: “Want You Baby” made me think of someone woofing down saltine crackers, and then I thought of all the internet challenges, like the cinnamon challenge, and that reminded me of the old thing from the kids’ TV show Zoom, where they’d eat saltines and see who could whistle first. (Zoom used to be a childrens’ TV show back when the world was young, and dinosaurs roamed the Earth.)

So anyway, the Plasmatics song: “Want You Baby”, beginning with the “I eat saltines!” intro made me think of someone wanting saltines so badly, they’d just tear open a sleeve and start woofing them down endlessly, which could become “The Saltine Challenge”.

This is the song I’m referring to:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nadHPCCvO6I

But the version I’m really writing about is on this album, at 17:43:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wTDcmWSvezU

(I don’t know, but nowadays I feel like music has no time period that matters anymore: if it’s good, it’s never out of style, and young people see it that way, from what it seems. And so this might really work: who knows? {So long as nobody chokes to death on the crackers!})