Blasphemy Song

(The context for this song was supposed to be a sketch comedy piece featuring Martin Luther, the founder of Protestantism, being accosted by emissaries from the Vatican who accuse him of blasphemy and heresy in this joke version of the Bee Gees song: “Tragedy”.)

(To the tune of: “Tragedy” by the Bee Gees)

Here I lie,

In a purgatory all alone,

Held in time,

In a world of tears I’m on my own,

Can’t go on,

My spirit can’t seem to move on,

I really should be one with You, one with You,

But my beliefs aren’t true…

Blasphemy,

When the teaching’s wrong and you can’t go on,

It’s heresy,

When your faith’s not strong and your life seems wrong,

It’s hard to pray, with no one to guide you you’re going to hell.

Blasphemy,

When you lose your Pope and you got no hope,

It’s heresy,

When your faith won’t fly and you don’t know why,

It’s hard to pray, with no one to guide you you’re going to hell.

Night and day,

I’m burning down inside of hell,

Aaaaa, Burning flesh from my body I can’t help but smell,

Down I go,

And I’ve been condemned to rot alone,

I really should be one with You, one with You,

But my religion’s not true…

Blasphemy,

When the teaching’s wrong and you can’t go on,

It’s heresy,

When you worship wrong and God’s wrath’s strong,

It’s hard to pray, with no one to guide you you’re going to hell.

Blasphemy,

When you lose your soul and it takes its toll,

It’s heresy,

Through your mourning cries you still don’t know why,

It’s hard to pray, with no one to guide you you’re going to hell.

Aaaaaaaaaaaa!

(Thunder clap)

This is “Tragedy” by the Bee Gees:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lk0alJGhSp0

Advantage “Whole Lotta Shakin’ Goin’ On” Ad (Proposed)

While we hear the song: “Whole Lotta Shakin’ Goin’ On” plays in the background, we see the owner of a large dog, like a Rottweiler, a Black Lab, or a Golden Retriever, giving said dog a bath with flea & tick shampoo, and the dog keeps shaking off, with the dog’s owner trying to prevent the dog from shaking off each time but to no avail. And each time the dog shakes off, it sprays the flea and tick shampoo, suds and all, all over its owner, after which the dog’s owner gets another handful of the flea & tick shampoo and reapplies it to the wet dog, only to have the dog shake it all off again. And each time the dog shakes off, the owner gets covered in more and more of the flea & tick shampoo suds and foam, eventually making the owner look like a big pile of shaving cream or something, being covered with about 20 times more of the flea & tick shampoo than the dog ever has been throughout the whole process. Then the announcer says: “Do you find yourself covered in more flea & tick shampoo than your dog? Get out of your dog’s bath! Use Advantage instead! One application keeps even the most shaggy and outdoorsy dogs flea & tick free for a whole month!”

(BTW: This ad would also work very well using the Taylor Swift song: “Shake It Off”.)

Deodorant Nature’s Noses Ad Campaign

Deodorant “The Hills Have Noses” Ad (Joke/Proposed)

(Prior to the action we see the title of a movie appear onscreen: “The Hills Have Noses”.) Someone with bad body odor goes jogging along a path through a field that has rolling hills visible in the background. As the jogger jogs across the field, the hills make a sound indicating that they smell something awful, and each hill grows a pair of legs, stands up (with each hill shape standing up on a pair of skinny legs), and runs away into the distance, with the hills disappearing over the horizon. Then the jogger, having heard the yucky sound interjection and surmised it came from the hills, sees the hills get up and run away, and he/she surmises it is his/her body odor that is at issue here, and he/she leans his/her head over and smells his/her armpit and is so offended by the smell that his/her head jerks back involuntarily in disgust. Then the announcer chimes in, saying: “Does your body odor have the hills running for the hills? Don’t harm the environment, use (brand of deodorant)!”

Deodorant “Moving Mountains” Ad (Joke/Proposed)

In this continuing deodorant campaign spot we see a mountain climber begin to scale to rock face, and when he/she lifts his/her arms to climb, the mountain he/she is trying to climb smells the underarm odor and gets up and runs away from the mountain climber, followed by the surrounding mountains growing legs and running away. The mountain climber is left feeling disbelief and humiliation at this turn of events, and curious as to its cause, he/she leans his/her head down to sniff his/her armpit, and the aroma causes him/her to reflexively gag and then to faint. Then the announcer chimes is, saying: “Don’t give the (idiom of the) ability to move mountains a bad name! Use (brand of deodorant)!”

Deodorant “Flowing Upstream” Ad (Joke/Proposed)

A person is hiking through the countryside when they happen upon a stream or a small river, and upon seeing this, the hiker extends his/her arms out and says to himself/herself: “Wow, what a lovely location!” But with his/her arms outstretched in this manner his/her armpits are exposed, and the awful body odor is unleashed upon an unsuspecting world, causing the river water, which was flowing toward the person hiking, to reverse its flow and move upstream, away from our malodorous hero/heroine. And the water flows back upstream until there is no water left and our nature lover stands before a dry riverbed. Then the announcer says: “Does your body odor drive even flowing water away? Don’t pollute the nice country air, use (brand of deodorant)!”

Then, as a tag, we see the person who was hiking arrive at their home and go to take a shower, but when he/she steps into the shower, the shower water stream bends to avoid contact with him/her, flowing around his/her body to avoid contact and flowing directly into the drain below.

(This campaign would also work just as well for a mouthwash: Simply have the person out in the great outdoors take a deep breath and then exhale, and that causes the hills to run away, the mountain to faint and surrounding mountains to run away, and the river/stream to flow the upstream in opposite direction of the breath.)

Apples Ad Slogan (Joke/Proposed)

Red Delicious Apples: We’ve already been expelled from the Garden of Eden, so we might as well eat them now!

The Philly Buster Sandwich

(Republicans killed the filibuster for Supreme Court nominees last week, just like the Democrats killed the filibuster for cabinet appointments during President Obama’s presidency, and that made me think about how any ad for the filibuster would probably say: “For a limited time only. Get it while it lasts!” And an ad featuring that kind of limited time offer is generally an advertisement for fast food, so I decided to make the ad for the silly fake sandwich: “The Philly Buster Sandwich”. Sorry if this is too dumb of a joke for many of you. I couldn’t resist.)

When you’re hungry for stopping a nominee from being confirmed, there’s nothing to sate your appetite like the Philly Buster Sandwich!

Chock full of freshly diced garlic and three different kinds of onions, it’ll give you the kind of breath that would make almost anyone withdraw their nomination! And it’s packed so full of extra marbled beef and pork, you’ll be able to chew the fat all day long! In fact, it’s so remarkable, you’ll want to talk about it for hours and hours! Finally there’s a sandwich good enough to interrupt what you’re doing and tell everyone all about it for as long as you have the strength to keep talking! And the Philly Buster has so much protein and nutrition that you’ll have the strength to go on and on and on, virtually indefinitely!

That’s the Philly Buster Sandwich: For a limited time: Enjoy yours before it’s gone!

Show good judgment and order the Philly Buster Sandwich Supreme! All rise and get off the bench when you serve up the Philly Buster Supreme with your rivals for lunch! It’s the special version of the sandwich designed to be eaten standing up. Prepared piping hot, and so fast, with no waiting, customers won’t even have a chance to sit on the bench!

Bank Check Deposit “Cash Me Outside” Ad (Joke/Proposed)

A woman receives a check for services rendered (either her salary or maybe she sold something), and she takes the check to the bank to deposit, but the check says to her: “Yo, cash me outside.” The woman appears puzzled and stops for a second to consider whether she heard her speck speak to her or not, and then she laughs to herself and starts to walk into the bank, and the check repeats: “Yo, cash me outside!” So the woman looks at her check, and it says: “I said: ‘Cash me outside’.” So the woman turns around and decides to go to the park. And once in the park, she takes out her smartphone and deposits the check by snapping a picture of it and sending it to the bank via her mobile banking app.

(I think this is kind of fun, if silly and perhaps a bit annoying in tone, but the problem is that the check is saying: “Cash me outside” as opposed to: “Deposit me from outdoors”. But hopefully viewers would just go along with it anyway.)