A Theoretical Solution to America’s Debt Crisis

I have here on this blog from time to time offered potential solutions to America’s debt crisis, from practical solutions like having The Fed forgive America’s debt (since we owe most of it to ourselves anyway), to fun ones like deploying America’s Navy as a pirate fleet demanding tribute from foreign countries in exchange for not blowing them up. But here I believe I may have conceived of the ultimate solution that we can all agree on! Interested? Okay, so here it is: 

Let’s get some mathematics genius, with a Nobel Prize in his trophy room, to declare that the United States’ national debt is an imaginary number, as often occurs in complex mathematics, and as such, we never have to pay it back, since it’s just theoretical anyway. And then when doubters ask questions about the veracity of this math guy’s claims, he can explain it to them in the most insufferably dull and incomprehensible manner possible (Maybe we could get Ben Stein to do it.), so they all get confused and bored and give up. And voilà: problem solved!

(Never let it be said that I offer no solutions to our nation’s pressing problems! And this suggestion might really work too, because everybody hates math except for math nerds, so nobody will dig into it. Plus, we could always get the CIA to abduct all the mathematics experts so they can’t speak out against us, or else bribe them with part of our imaginary deficit spending. How could it go wrong? And if people really complain, we could always deploy our pirate Navy…)

I think this might just work, and if so, we don’t even have to make any fiscal cliff deals either. Because, after all, why bother arguing over imaginary numbers anyway?

Sears Connecting Flights Ad

Okay, I must admit, the first time I saw this ad, I thought it was for a real movie, even though I hadn’t heard of the movie (which is weird, because as a Hollywood guy, I usually know about all the new movies before they even have ads). And I have to say, it’s made better than a lot of trailers I have seen lately. But then they just crash into that Sears appliance: WTF? How is Sears ever going to sell appliances to newly married couples if they’re always hurting them with appliances while they’re courting? I would definitely buy another brand if they did that to me, but….

Yes, but if they could find a way to have the appliances positioned just right for a woman and a man in the wrong relationships to have their wrong-for-them significant-others crash into the Sears appliances and get knocked out, leading to the perfect couple finally meeting and getting together, then they would be appreciative to Sears for their appliances getting in the way of their failed relationships just in time to be the matchmaker for a great marriage, and they would buy all of their appliances from Sears. And that’s how I would make these ads if I were the creative director at their ad agency.

Oh, and another thing: As much as I really liked the fun idea of the Rom-Com movie trailer, the slogan: “Love Goes Viral”, sends all the wrong messages to me. Why? Well, because there are so many STDs out there, as well as incurable diseases caused by viruses, like herpes and AIDS. And I’m pretty sure I’m not supposed to be thinking about that stuff, but I can’t help it when the ad says: “Love Goes Viral”. See what I mean? (Ew!)

But I love how they made this ad, and it’s definitely a great Rom-Com parody! I just think they should try to attract their potential customers, rather than repel them. Don’t you think it might be a better idea? Because as it is, it makes me feel like if I were part of a young couple, they might drop a refrigerator on me (like in the Warner Bros. cartoons) if we went shopping for appliances at Sears. See what I mean?

Here’s the otherwise fun Sears spot:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x1QSXMyVYuU

BioShock Infinite Hires Fan to Play Character

Yes, it’s apparently true: Russia is winning the new video game cold war of beating America at looking like American toys and video game characters. Now, I must admit, this story about the BioShock Infinite fan becoming a model for the character is great. But what the hell, America: Are we too busy playing video games to bother looking like the characters? I know Democrats will say this is just another example of another country’s citizens doing the jobs Americans don’t want to do; but pretty soon, these Russian agents will infiltrate our video game industry and make the games launch all-out attacks at us! (You know that’s their evil plan! Must we create a new McCarthyism against video game designers to countermand this new Red Scare and send those commies back to Leningrad? If they’re designing their video game characters to look like Russians instead of Americans, then isn’t it obvious that these game designers’ ultimate aim is to import enough Ruskies, in the guise of playing video game characters, to take over? They probably design them in advance to look like KGB agents just to get them to infiltrate US soil! You know it’s true!)

Here’s the Soviet scare story:

http://games.yahoo.com/blogs/plugged-in/bioshock-infinite-creator-hires-fan-officially-play-character-013632902.html

I’m just kidding: obviously in the free market, if we can’t keep up, we deserve to fall behind. (Isn’t that Republican platform policy, even if it gets us invaded and conquered by commies? Ah, so that’s it: they’ve been plotting with the Ruskies all along! Well, Russia and Republican start with the same letter, so that proves it right there!) And that’s why I’m so tired of everyone getting on the case of that Russian girl who is the Real Life Barbie Doll: She’s obviously just trying to be the toy of the 50 Foot Woman’s daughter, which is why the 50 Foot Woman attacked to begin with (because her daughter has no appropriately-sized toys to play with)! If we cared more about meeting the needs of true American patriots like the 50 Foot Woman, who is only fighting for freedom for 50 Foot People, then there would be a lot less strife in this world! (Because even one 50 Foot Woman can cause a lot of havoc and destruction! And this is why hurricanes used to be named after women: until the advent of The Amazing Colossal Man, that is: then they got those hurricane names gender equal! {There was a lot less destruction since we hooked those two up together, but now I guess their kids are teenagers or something, so they’re raising all kinds of hell.})

Here is the Real Life Barbie Doll:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2133552/Valeria-Lukyanova-pictures-Real-life-Barbie-seeks-worlds-convincing-doll.html

And this is Attack of the 50 Foot Woman:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attack_of_the_50_Foot_Woman

You know, Attack of the 50 Foot Woman was directed by Nathan Juran, the same guy who directed The 7th Voyage of Sinbad, and also Jack the Giant Killer. And if you want an object lesson on why Ray Harryhausen’s special effects were necessary, just watch The 7th Voyage of Sinbad, and then watch Jack the Giant Killer, from four years later! (Or you could always just watch Attack of the 50 Foot Woman, and then imagine any Harryhausen film in comparison.)

AARP FACTS Ad

In this new spot for the AARP, we see lots of giant words made of huge all-cap white letters all over Washington, D.C., supposedly intended as coments about the future of Medicare and Social Security. Oh, but do you think the AARP cares about the millions of special interest Super PAC dollars that went to erecting these huge words, like: JARGON, FLUFF, POLITICS, etc.? No! In fact, they’re encouraging their members to steal letters out of these words! That’s criminal theft! (I have it on good authority that the word “FLUFF” was made by the Marshmallow Fluff lobby, who is simply worried about their company now that Hostess went under.)

Make your own giant letters, AARP! Stop stealing them from other political groups who are trying to brainwash us! (But some free advice to these special interest groups putting huge words up in Washington, D.C.: Vary your typeface and letter color, and your upper and lower case letters, and they will be harder to steal and re-use, as well as being far easier to identify in the case of theft!) You’re a huge special interest group with millions of dollars too, so why not do the right thing and just lobby Washington with your huge purse too? Isn’t that what America is all about these days: drowning out the voices of the people with the huge purses of special interests? Get with the program, AARP! (I guess old people really don’t catch on quickly to new trends, huh?)

But you know what? Don’t those big white letters used in this AARP ad look a lot like the big white letters used for that AndroGel 1.62 ad? And what if they're covered in AndroGel? Why, then all the AARP members who handle them will start feeling younger, and they’ll start feeling like they don’t need Medicare or Social Security, so they'll stop protesting. So isn’t this obviously a plot by those who want to crush Medicare and Social Security to lay traps for senior protesters so they will start to feel younger and as such stop protesting? Hey: I smell a rat here, and I think it's covered in AndroGel!

Sorry, I can’t find this ad online either. But watch the news: any news, and you’ll be sure to see it almost immediately, assuming it’s the first half of 2012.

Mr. Smith Goes to Washington: Remake?

Hey, how about a new version of this classic movie, but where the jerks in government drive us off the fiscal cliff, bankrupt America, etc., and then we send Mr. Smith from The Matrix to go get revenge? He could do a big shoot-‘em-up scene, and then maybe he could sort of encourage them to work together. And if that doesn’t work, maybe he could use his The Matrix Reloaded powers to make every government official into a duplicate of himself, and then surely they could all agree on a policy that would work for America, right? (Oh, who am I kidding: Once some Mr. Smiths get D’s and R’s in front of their names, they’ll refuse to compromise, and even The One couldn’t make any headway.)

This is the Mr. Smith I’m talking about:

http://kunochan.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/10/agentsmith.jpg

http://academic.udayton.edu/race/01race/images/2-3b.jpg

Princess Catherine’s Morning Sickness

The news media is agog with anticipatory celebration about the new Royal pregnancy, but they seem to be gleeful while the mother-to-be is very sick. Apparently she’s in the hospital with the Royal morning sickness, and that’s what we’re witnessing here. Yes, this is a monarch-creating moment, and it doesn’t happen without making waves. That Royal seed rocks you like a hurricane, and that’s how you know it’s a kingmaker/queenmaker! But making waves also tends to create sea sickness, and that’s what we’re seeing with this bad case of morning sickness. But hey, it could be worse: I just saw Prometheus, and at least she’s not going through that!

McDonald’s Graffiti Arms Street Couple Ad

I can’t find this spot online, but I see it a lot on TV, so I want to talk about it anyway. So what happens in this commercial is that some young guy, minding his own business, is trying to eat his bag of McDonald’s food in peace. Oh, but the animated graffiti Ronald McDonald arms painted on the brick walls behind him won’t let him! Maybe they’re trying to warn him off this fatty diet out of a feeling of guilt for the obesity epidemic? No such luck: the painted arms just stole his bag of food and put it on the bench near some very attractive young lady. Well, this guy isn’t really interested in her because, as it turns out, he’s gay. Oh, but that doesn’t stop the painted arms from pushing him up against her. Well, she thinks he’s trying to sexually assault her, so she calls over her jealous boyfriend who is just out of frame, and he beats this young man to death. Oh, the humanity! And so the cops arrive and arrest the couple, sending the jealous boyfriend to prison for murder and a hate crime, and the girl for accessory and instigation of the crime, but nobody ever charges Ronald McDonald! And when people tell you McDonald’s food is bad for you, this is what they’re talking about!

(I’m only kidding. I like McDonald’s. But you have to admit, the animated graffiti Ronald McDonald arms never bothered to check if this young man was straight, single or what. Plus, the girl around the corner is really pretty, so it’s very unlikely she’s single. In my experience, there’s always some jealous tough guy boyfriend just within earshot. But hey, maybe that jealous boyfriend guy once held up a McDonald’s, and knowing this would happen, the painted Ronald McDonald arms acted as they did to set up this situation where this guy would get busted for murder, and they used the other guy, figuring that if he was eating McDonald’s food, he didn’t care about living long anyway. Do you suppose that could be it?)

But you know, maybe this girl once insulted Ronald McDonald as a lame creepy clown, and he just moved the guy’s bag of food so he would think she stole it, and he could get her busted for robbing him, or else assault her. I guess you never know with those clowns, man. I heard Ronald McDonald is the big Godfather pulling the strings of the whole Insane Clown Posse, so you know he’s one twisted motherf*cker! Why else do you think he’s conspiring to make us all fat? It’s to get revenge for how everyone always insults clowns! (And for how people make fun of his jodhpurs jumpsuit.)

But in all seriousness, it’s a really cute spot. It’s just that we here in America have a tradition of clowns doing horrific things in horror movies, so how could I help but think it was a malign intent? It was almost like Freddy Krueger’s arms came to life to cause havoc, or maybe it was even Beetlejuice!