Yes, it’s apparently true: Russia is winning the new video game cold war of beating America at looking like American toys and video game characters. Now, I must admit, this story about the BioShock Infinite fan becoming a model for the character is great. But what the hell, America: Are we too busy playing video games to bother looking like the characters? I know Democrats will say this is just another example of another country’s citizens doing the jobs Americans don’t want to do; but pretty soon, these Russian agents will infiltrate our video game industry and make the games launch all-out attacks at us! (You know that’s their evil plan! Must we create a new McCarthyism against video game designers to countermand this new Red Scare and send those commies back to Leningrad? If they’re designing their video game characters to look like Russians instead of Americans, then isn’t it obvious that these game designers’ ultimate aim is to import enough Ruskies, in the guise of playing video game characters, to take over? They probably design them in advance to look like KGB agents just to get them to infiltrate US soil! You know it’s true!)
Here’s the Soviet scare story:
I’m just kidding: obviously in the free market, if we can’t keep up, we deserve to fall behind. (Isn’t that Republican platform policy, even if it gets us invaded and conquered by commies? Ah, so that’s it: they’ve been plotting with the Ruskies all along! Well, Russia and Republican start with the same letter, so that proves it right there!) And that’s why I’m so tired of everyone getting on the case of that Russian girl who is the Real Life Barbie Doll: She’s obviously just trying to be the toy of the 50 Foot Woman’s daughter, which is why the 50 Foot Woman attacked to begin with (because her daughter has no appropriately-sized toys to play with)! If we cared more about meeting the needs of true American patriots like the 50 Foot Woman, who is only fighting for freedom for 50 Foot People, then there would be a lot less strife in this world! (Because even one 50 Foot Woman can cause a lot of havoc and destruction! And this is why hurricanes used to be named after women: until the advent of The Amazing Colossal Man, that is: then they got those hurricane names gender equal! {There was a lot less destruction since we hooked those two up together, but now I guess their kids are teenagers or something, so they’re raising all kinds of hell.})
Here is the Real Life Barbie Doll:
And this is Attack of the 50 Foot Woman:
You know, Attack of the 50 Foot Woman was directed by Nathan Juran, the same guy who directed The 7th Voyage of Sinbad, and also Jack the Giant Killer. And if you want an object lesson on why Ray Harryhausen’s special effects were necessary, just watch The 7th Voyage of Sinbad, and then watch Jack the Giant Killer, from four years later! (Or you could always just watch Attack of the 50 Foot Woman, and then imagine any Harryhausen film in comparison.)
