Can Historic American/Iranian Presidential Phone Call Backfire?

President Obama spoke on the telephone with the new Iranian president over the weekend, beginning what may be a new era in improved American/Iranian relations. But could this phone call backfire, leading to disaster? Critics always want to say everything President Obama does is an unmitigated disaster, so they’ll want to claim this will have horrendous consequences. But what could possibly go wrong? I’ll try to predict some possible disastrous consequences that could come from this Obama-Rouhani telephone call:

Iran will sell the White House telephone number to a telemarketing company, then they’ll deny having done it, and then they’ll keep selling each new phone number to all the telemarketers and robocall companies they can find, derailing all diplomatic and political efforts at the White House due to the endless stream of marketing phone calls.

Iran will order pizzas and Chinese food for delivery to the White House at all hours of the day and night just to harass the president and his staff.

Iran will accuse America of making prank phone calls on weekend nights, citing the private White House phone number, getting President Obama in trouble with the United Nations, while at the same time the Revolutionary Guard will make lots of prank calls to the White House that they will record and release on YouTube to humiliate America.

President Rouhani will give President Obama a fake phone number that ends up being for some sex line that would get our president in trouble with his wife and embarrass him publicly as a phone sex aficionado.

President Rouhani could call President Obama on the phone, with statements leading him to make disparaging statements about other world leaders, and then he could secretly let those leaders listen in on the conversation, or else record it and post it for everyone to hear, creating a diplomatic nightmare for the United States.

And, failing the last one, Iran will make recordings of President Obama’s voice and get a computer or voice actor to pretend to be President Obama, and then they could create a fake summit telephone call which embarrasses America on the world stage when “our president” makes insulting comments about other world leaders and cracks offensive jokes.

Dolphin Safe Tuna

Every time I see the term “Dolphin Safe Tuna”, I imagine gangs of switchblade-wielding, leather jacket-wearing tuna swimming around, terrorizing dolphins; until the heroic fishing boats come along and save them from the vicious tuna thugs, that is. Then justice comes along, sending those tuna to the can, heroically saving the traumatized dolphins: hooray!

Second Skin: Tattoo Cover Skin

It’s Second Skin™, the instant tattoo covering system that fits like a second skin! Can’t afford the high cost of laser tattoo removal to get rid of unwanted youthful indiscretions and bad judgment? Well, that’s no problem when you get Second Skin™: the wearable tattoo covering skin! Here’s how it works:

In today’s advanced world of cellular biology and genetic replication, the cloning professionals at Second Skin™ can actually grow for you a bona fide new layer of skin for you to wear like a second skin! After all, skin is just another organ like any other, and now with the miracle of epi-repli™, the skin replicator, with one simple genetic specimen, we can grow you a new skin separately from your body! And since it’s your actual skin, you can wear it, and it will fit you like a glove: a body glove, that is, that you wear as a second skin, to cover up all those unsightly tattoos, scars, and whatever else you don’t want others to see!

Plus, now with the miracle of laser cutting technology, you can have your Second Skin cut for whatever parts of the body you want, or the whole body worn as different parts like pants and shirts and gloves! That’s Second Skin™: Hide the mistakes of the past with the perfection of brand new wearable skin, and avoid the judgment and prejudices of others!

Wear it to job interviews.

Wear it to work.

Wear it on first dates.

And if you get drunk and tattoo your Second Skin too, you can always get a second Second Skin!

Come in for a DNA sample donation and have yours generated by genetic 3D printer today!

Dangerous Toy Hall of Fame

Pellet Guns

Lawn Darts

Plastic Bags with Rubber Bands as Space Helmets

Matches

Electrical Wall Sockets

Hide & Seek Refrigerators
Rope
Wrist Rockets

Dad’s Guns

Javelins

Skateboards

Stolen Cars

Nunchaku

Chinese Throwing Stars
Bow & Arrows

Kitchen Knives

Cleaning Products

Model Glue

Krazy Glue
Prescription Drugs
Lots of Things Made in China

GI Joe Chemical/Biological Warfare Model

Hot Wheels Deathrace 2000 Murder Machines

Samurai Sword Transformer (Transforms from razor-sharp Samurai sword into very pointy and razor-sharp robot.)

Contempt (Le Mepris, 1963)

The Jean-Luc Godard film Contempt was on TCM today, and it’s certainly an interesting movie, if you know the events behind its production. Friends of mine watched it recently and complained that it was really boring, and I can see how someone might think so, if you don’t know the events behind its production (unless you’re a real French New Wave behind-the-scenes production buff). But once you know the backstory, it’s really quite fascinating.

So here’s what I heard from a film teacher of mine years ago who was a big French New Wave film buff living in Europe when this movie was being made and released, and this was what he was hearing at the time (BTW: I haven’t read this anywhere else, so I’m just taking it on faith that this is accurate.):

Jean-Luc Godard was a very hot commodity in the early Sixties, after a number of groundbreaking New Wave films he made, so naturally, this attracted the attention of film producers looking for the next big thing. So a reportedly sort of gauche American producer, Joseph E. Levine, approached Godard to make a movie for him, which he wanted to be a sexed-up version of The Odyssey, with nude scenes requested of major French film sex kitten Brigitte Bardot. And reportedly Levine offered Godard so much money, and creative freedom, he couldn’t really turn it down; but he felt like a sellout taking the deal, so what he did was this: He followed the letter of the requests from Levine regarding the content of the movie, but what he made was something completely different. So rather than being a sexed-up action movie based on The Odyssey, it was a movie about an artistic and idealistic writer who accepts a deal from a gauche American producer to write a movie about The Odyssey, and in doing so, he feels like a whore and a sellout, and so to get the producer off his back with extra soul-killing requests, he asks his wife to “distract” the producer, leading to the dissolution of their marriage. And the nude scenes of Brigitte Bardot are of her in bed with her husband the writer, and they’re just making empty-headed pillow talk, rather than “gettin’ it on”. So in effect, the movie was a depiction of the actual situation of the setup and production of the film, told in a manner that’s extremely unflattering vis-à-vis the producer and the film industry in general.

Now, for all I know, this could be inaccurate; but this is what I was told in a film class by a very knowledgeable and cinema-fanatical film professor. And if it’s not actually true, I think it sounds a lot more interesting than what the truth really is. Because if this story isn’t true, then Godard was just hired to make this movie with this story, and then he was just asked to add some sex scenes, and that’s kind of routine. But in this story I have related above, Godard would have completely subverted the expectation of the producer and made and delivered not a programmer movie, but rather, a scathing critique of the film business that savages the intellect and culture of the producer and the industry as a whole. And that’s the kind of thing that’s really fun to see artists do: speak truth to power with an astute critical eye and without fear of consequence.

And so the Contempt of the title seems to refer not only to the contempt between the husband and wife, but also between many characters, and felt by the director towards the producer of this film, the film within the film, and the power structure of the film industry in general. And that adds lots of extra significance to the film which makes the story and its characters resonate in an even greater capacity than they do within the context of the film itself. And so I’d like to think this story is true.

Pharaoh Flesh Mummy Meat

Hey, how about some Halloween-themed beef jerky? It’s already about the same color and texture as mummy meat, so it would be perfect! Just package it wrapped up in gauze bandages and with little gold plastic jewelry on it or something. And maybe they could have some ancient scroll with the ingredients and nutritional information on it, along with an ancient spell that will bring it back to life and chase you around the house. And it could be called Mummy Meat, or perhaps Pharaoh Flesh (or Pharaoh Phlesh), with the slogan: “Just like mummy used to make!”

National Monument “Project X” Parties This Week!

The government shutdown has closed all national parks and monuments. But with the government shut down, who’s going to be able to keep people out? Nobody! And that’s why there will be party-‘till-you-drop Project X-inspired bashes and raves across America this week at each and every national park and monument throughout the land! Yes, from sea to shining sea, everyone will be doing ‘e’ to snorting ‘k’! When the government cats are away, the party mice will play! (Plus, if you get sick or hurt, I hear there’s free healthcare afterwards.) Just check out the secret Shut Down Project X website for parties near you!

Shut Down Project X Parties: Nobody gonna shut us down! Dance and party ‘till your body shuts down! (When ‘The Man’'s away, the kids will play!)

(Just kidding. But it’s a good opportunity to try such a thing right now, don’t you think?)