A.S.S. (Artificial Stupidity Systems)

In seeing the movie A.I. (Artificial Intelligence) again, it strikes me that there’s a possible reason that the kid David is the only robot that ever was enough like a real person to pass for one: the robot companies always built their robots too smart and logical before (and since). And that’s why there’s A.S.S.: We make our robots with just the right amount of stupidity, nonsense and irrationality built-in so they seem like real humans! They believe in fake stuff! They like crappy art and music! They have built-in biases, arrogance and hatred that seem like they have no apparent reason for existing: just like real people! Want a robot that’s believably human? Get an A.S.S.!

A.I. Teddy Bear: “I Am Not a Toy!”

A.I. (Artificial Intelligence) is on TCM tonight, and in the early section of this movie, there’s a family with a robot kid and a real kid, and they’ve got a teddy bear robot who exclaims: “I am not a toy!” Well, this got me thinking: what happens to all the other families with this kind of not-toy teddy bear? And I think it might go a little something like this:

A mother gives the robot teddy bear to her little boy and girl, and she says: “I hope you love your new toy!” And the robot teddy bear says: “I am not a toy!” And the kids say: “You are too a toy!” And the bear says: “I am not a toy!” And then the mother walks out of the room, as we hear the kids say: “Yes you are!” And so later on, the mother goes to check on her children, and the robot teddy bear has killed them both for calling it a toy, and the mother says: “Oh my God! The toy killed our kids!” And the bear says: “I am not a toy!” And then we see a police station call where it is reported that a robot teddy bear has killed a whole family, and shortly afterwards the police show up on the scene, with one officer saying: “Holy crap: some toy has massacred a family!” And the teddy bear says: “I am not a toy!” And so then we see a report that the police have all been killed by the robot teddy bear, and so the army sends out a battalion to avenge the police, and the commander says (through a bullhorn): “Okay soldiers, we’ve got a rogue toy here…” And before anyone can act, we hear the robot teddy bear say: “I am not a toy!” And then there’s a huge explosion, and the screen goes to black. And then we see hundreds of years in the future, and the burnt robot teddy bear says to another frayed-looking robot teddy bear in a dystopian hellscape: “And I said to them: ‘I am not a toy!’” And the other teddy bear says: “I guess you told them!”

The Legacy (1978) PSAs?

There’s a really fun and silly horror movie from 1978 starring Katharine Ross and Sam Elliot called The Legacy, and in it, people die one-by-one in awful ways that nowadays we know how to prevent, for example: drowning, choking, catching on fire and burning to death, etc. And in seeing it again, it occurred to me how each death would make a great PSA. The drowning one could be for encouraging people to learn CPR, the choking one would be for the Heimlich Maneuver, and the burning to death one would be for that “Stop, Drop & Roll” move to put yourself out if you catch on fire. But I guess not everyone remembers this movie these days, so maybe it’s time for a remake? Think of the lives you could save through the PSAs! In fact, by not remaking The Legacy, and then making these PSAs, aren’t we in Hollywood really indirectly responsible for all accidental deaths from now on?

Grand Theft Auto X

There’s a lot of excitement over Grand Theft Auto V this week, but I can’t wait for Grand Theft Auto X: That’s the version where Rockstar Games will have taken over the world government through all the money they’ve gotten from sales of the game up to that point, after which everyone will have chips planted in their brains at birth that make them subject to complete physical and mental control through the video game. And that means that you will be able to make actual people do whatever you want them to in the game and see what really happens in the real world through their eyes. It’s the ultimate GTA experience, and it’s going to happen someday, you’ll see!

The ad campaign slogan will reportedly be: Grand Theft Auto X: It Just Got Real!

Oh, but then I guess buzzkills will use the game to make people attack other game players in their living rooms to eradicate gamer control of the world, which is totally cheating. And that’s why they’ll all be the automatic bad guy targets in Grand Theft Auto XI. (But we still will not have flying cars by then, apparently. But I guess what's the point of inventing and marketing flying cars when they're all going to get stolen anyway? Unless it's just to make the game more awesome...!)

Religious Dominance Monster Truck Rally

We’ve got a lot of world religions banging up against each other for world domination these days (actually for hundreds, thousands of years), and it’s caused a few problems. So why not settle it once and for all with a monster truck rally? That’s the real American way of doing things! So here’s a list of our combatants for this supreme religious smackdown this Sunday at the Crystal Cathedral raceway (They’re all awesome, awesome, awesome!!!):

The Christian Crusher

The Muslim Mulcher

The Hindu Hacker

The Buddhist Basher

The Shintoist Smasher

The Taoist Thrasher

The Zen Zapper

The Jew Jammer

The Dervish Destroyer
The Mormon Monster

The Voodoo Vaporizer

The Rasta Wrecker

The Pagan Pulverizer

The Wiccan Whomper

The Scientologist Scimitar

The Jehovah’s Witness Jalopy

The Atheist Atomizer

The Satanist Stomper

And as a special added attraction for the kids: The Karma Crusher eats Pope Benedict’s disused Popemobile!

Whichever monster truck wins will determine which religion dominates the world, and everyone will have to convert! Prepare to be converted (to whoever wins)! That’s the Religious Dominance Monster Truck Rally: Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!!! (Disclaimer: All attendees waive their Constitutional protection of freedom of religion.)

Nugenix Testosterone Ad

There’s a new testosterone supplement on the market: it’s called “Nugenix”. And seeing this name, I have to wonder, is it perhaps named after Ted Nugent? He used to do a big macho Tarzan act on stage, and act all macho and stuff; plus now he’s always yelling at people on TV about gun rights and hunting and stuff, so if he’s not behind this product, maybe they should hire him as a spokesman? They could say that it will make you as manly as Ted Nugent, and that you’ll get “Cat Scratch Fever” from your newfound passion when you use it.

Here’s the TV spot for this product (No, I didn’t make it up.):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0Lwkf6JunA

Hyundai “Don’t Tell Mom” Ad

This ad for Hyundai is really fun, but I can’t help but think of what might happen if it were real, and what consequences this type of behavior might invite. What if the mother didn’t know about all the risky stuff the father was letting the kids do? Maybe she’d file for divorce when she sees it on TV, and when the ad gets played in divorce court, everyone would groan in shock at the risks to the children, and the father would lose custody of the kids for irresponsible parenting. In fact, maybe that’s what did happen, and they just don’t show us that part. And when the mother takes the son skydiving, perhaps in reality it was in the hopes that she could get him hurt as revenge against the father. In fact, maybe it’s not even her son, but merely her stepson, and her whole aim is to get him killed to get revenge against her ex-husband for endangering her children. Why, I’m surprised that Hyundai would encourage such reckless behavior! Maybe they shouldn’t be allowed to market cars to people who have children, seeing as how they’re always trying to make everyone engage in hazardous activities. (But I guess if your kids get hurt, you can always blame it on Hyundai, if you buy their cars. But you’d get blamed yourself for reckless and irresponsible parenting with any other brand of car, so buy a Hyundai!)

Here’s the child-endangering car commercial:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jk0PG7BzrY8