Gargamel's Diner

Serving up World Famous Smurfburgers since 1958!

(Obviously a joke on the famous Mel's Diner here in Los Angeles.)

Doggie Bag Materials

Recently I went to a nice restaurant and took some leftovers home with me in a take-out container that said on it: "Made from a Min. of 50% Recycled Pet Material."

Oh, my God: It's a doggie bag made out of dogs!

Local Port-o-let Joke Ad

In my sister's neighborhood where everyone is always renovating their homes into gauche McMansions to flip, the streets are lined with potable toilets for the construction workers to use during the work day. And the name of the company on these portable toilets is: "Andy Gump".

So I think the slogan printed on these portable toilets should read: "Take a Dump with Andy Gump!"

Slay It With Flowers

While sitting in the waiting room for a doctor's appointment this week I saw a book called: "Slay It With Flowers".

I couldn't help but wonder: Has the band Slayer read this book? Maybe Slayer should record an album, or better yet, star in an ad campaign for a florist where they wear flower-pattern clothes and glasses/sunglasses with flower-shaped frames and flowers in their hair while playing guitars with flowers painted all over them, and the announcer invites us to: "Slay it with flowers!"

Then, as a tag we'd see some head-banging hippies dressed up in flower costumes and thrashing their heads up and down and all around while wearing giant flower petals all around their faces/heads.

Dry Clean Only Coffee Mugs

My sister and her family keep on buying all of these neat coffee mugs for all these movies and TV shows they love, like Star Wars and Dr. Who and such; and every time they use one and put it in the dishwasher to wash it, the beautiful artwork printed along the outside of the mug wrinkles all up and chips or flakes off. (I'm not even joking; this happens all the time with all kinds of really expensive official TV show- and movie-related coffee mugs!)

So I think it's pretty clear what's going on here: These souvenir mugs are dry-clean only!

Gas-X Demonic Horror Movie Ad (Joke/Proposed)

In some recent horror movie featuring demonic forces, one character claims demons like to devour the souls of the innocent. Well, this naturally made me wonder why, and the first thought that came to mind was that demons probably preferred devouring the souls of the innocent because devouring the souls of the guilty likely gives demons gas and bloating.

And if devoting souls (of the innocent and guilty alike) gives you gas, try Gas-X!

Chanel No. 85

Have you ever wondered why old ladies smell like old ladies? They use Chanel No. 85.

Extra Slutty Olive Oil

I keep seeing olive oil labeled as "extra virgin", and this idea of virgin olive oil made me wonder if there is such a thing as slutty olive oil. "Extra slutty" olive oil could be olive oil that comes infused with different flavors and such, sort of like how a martini with olive juice in it is called: "dirty". And "Extra Slutty" could be the brand name of a line of olive oil infused with different flavors and including different ingredients added to the olive oil.

And the slogan for Extra Slutty Olive Oil would be: "Extra Slutty Olive Oil: Wants to make it with you!" (And by: "make it," of course they mean make food dishes or dinner, or whatever you want it to do with you.)

Gorilla Tape "Star Wars Rebels" Ad (Joke/Proposed)

In the animated series Star Wars Rebels, we run into Darth Maul again, and he has somehow managed to stick himself back together again after having been sliced in half by Obi Wan Kenobi during the climactic light saber fight scene in The Phantom Menace. How did he do it? I don't think they tell us. Maybe he used the force. But I'd like to think Darth Maul used Gorilla Tape to tape himself back together again, and I think that concept would make for a really fun ad for Gorilla Tape, because with all the running and fighting and traveling and chicanery Darth Maul engages in during his Star Wars Rebels character arc, it would indicate how strong and reliable Gorilla Tape is if it works well enough to hold Darth Maul's two halves together while he's busy actively running around the galaxy and engaging in villainous activities and such all over the place.

The spot could show Darth Maul being very active in Star Wars Rebels, and then a character says to him: "Hey, didn't you get cut in half by Obi Wan Kenobi? What's holding your upper and lower halves together?" And Darth Maul would say: "You probably think I'm using the force, don't you? Nope. Actually, I use Gorilla Tape! It's tough enough to stick together with you no matter what tries to tear you apart." And he lifts his shirt to show that his whole torso is wrapped in Gorilla Tape. Then the slogan is: "Gorilla Tape: It's the force that holds the galaxy together!"

Flaccid Soda

If a company that makes hard soda also makes a soft soda, I hope they will refer to it as a "flaccid soda", if only to disparage it and its consumers in comparison to their hard soda.

Cat Food “Cat People” Ad (Proposed)

The ad says that cat people really love giving (whatever brand of) cat food to their cats. (We see the person making a dish of cat food, and then they turn into a big cat and start eating it themselves.) “Or sometimes they like to eat it themselves.”

Midol Period Drama Ad (Joke/Proposed)

I am probably not allowed to make this joke of an ad, but I’m going to anyway, because I think it would make a great ad campaign.

We open on a Jane Austin-style movie scenario, with everyone wearing Victorian outfits and speaking in an upper-class English accent, and a woman is being difficult to her beau, or her best friend, etc. (There would be a campaign of a few scenarios.), and then, when they get mad at her, she apologizes, saying her cramping is bothering her. Then the (female) announcer chimes in, saying: “Period drama? Try Midol!” Then we see the same people in current clothing, and everyone is getting along wonderfully. And the slogan is: “Midol makes your period drama disappear.”

Men in Gorilla Suits Nature Preserve

It used to be, back in the 1930s through, embarrassingly, the 1950s, and even later (!), that when independent horror movie producers needed a monster, they’d turn to a man in a gorilla suit for their antagonist, or at least his henchprimate, rather than spend any money on anything else. (See: Robot Monster, 1953, and many others!) But in this age of post-Star Wars and CGI effects, sadly the man in a gorilla suit has become an endangered species.

We cannot allow the man in a gorilla suit to die out just because the current movie environment is hostile to such a species! Please give generously to the Men In Gorilla Suits Nature Preserve, where men in gorilla suits will be lovingly cared for in their natural environment: bad horror and sci-fi movie sets, with scantily-clad women constantly running away from them, and an endless craft service buffet.

You can make a difference today. Donate to the Men In Gorilla Suits Nature Preserve.

Avenging Architects: The Horror Movie

Shut your doors, hide under your beds, from the housebound horror of Avenging Architects!

Disgusted by continually seeing historic homes being demolished and replaced by McMansions, a consortium of the finest architects in Los Angeles has had enough, so they sell their souls to the devil for arcane black magic knowledge to get revenge against anyone who would so desecrate their designs and bulldoze their buildings. (Adding on an addition that doesn’t really work with the house’s predetermined architectural style is punishable only by a short bout with diarrhea or some skin burns or something: their real revenge is saved for those who would commit architectural atrocity!)

Building black magic spells into the foundations of the houses they design and build (Yes, I stole that from Game of Thrones, when Benjen Stark said the ice Wall has magic spells carved into its foundations.), anyone who bulldozes and replaces the homes is cursed, with anyone associated with replacing the houses with McMansions being doubly cursed. And then anyone who lives in the houses afterwards is cursed as well. And the only way to break the curse is to tear down the offending home and replace it with the original design. And when the original design is put back, the black magic curses write themselves into the foundations automatically, amazing the guys who lay the foundation and mix the cement.

(Historic homes being replaced with vulgar McMansions is one of L.A.’s top eyesore and historical issues. So I think it deserves a horror film to warn people against the practice. Don’t you think so?)

Subwoofer: The Horror Movie

You’ll shake on the floor with terror when you see Subwoofer: The Horror Movie!

In an apartment somewhere in Los Angeles, a mild-mannered religion professor lives constantly annoyed by the subwoofer of his upstairs (or downstairs, or next door: bass does not discriminate against who it annoys, or who uses it to annoy others!). Driven too far by the bass drivers in his neighbor’s apartment, he carelessly says he’ll do anything, worship anyone, sell his soul if necessary, to make the subwoofer stop. And just then, he’s possessed by a demon who turns him into a Satanist who performs black masses so loud and terrifying, but heard only by the subwoofer-wielding neighbor, that said neighbor must come and confront him. And once the neighbor has done so, the possessed Satanist guy yanks him into the apartment and sacrifices him to Satan, with his soul forever damned to hear booming bass forever and ever as if from a subwoofer through an apartment floor (or ceiling), driving him insane! And as if that’s not bad enough, his de-fleshed and de-brained head (and let’s be honest, ‘his’ head, because most of the people driving their neighbors crazy in apartment buildings are men, especially young men, because young men are inherently selfish and rebellious creatures who don’t know what it’s like to live on the other end of their behavior yet) is filled with black magic spells and sealed into his own subwoofer, which is then donated to a Goodwill to be sold.

A few months later, we see a nice young couple buy our now cursed subwoofer, along with its accompanying sound system, for a great price (it’s a really good one, so they’re stoked, or so they think, for now…!), and they move into an apartment building. And you can probably guess what happens next. Yes, every time they go to bed, the subwoofer turns on and thumps them awake. Also, they keep getting complaints from their neighbors and landlords about their subwoofer when it’s not even on. And everyone who complains about the subwoofer dies in horrifying ways, their soul sent to Satan to join in the subwoofer hell of the original owner, lorded over by a bass-booming Baphomet. And pretty soon, the Satanic subwoofer takes on a life of its own, pumping pernicious pounding in perpetuity, causing all who hear it to be murdered, tortured and damned by a Satanic subsonic sound wave!

How can it be stopped? You’ll have to wait until you see Subwoofer: The Horror Movie!

(Can you tell I just saw Annabelle: Creation? For me, the most frightening part of that very scary movie was imagining my subwoofer-armed neighbors watching this movie at home when I’m trying to sleep or when I have a headache! It’s very bass-heavy jump-scary. And I though Insidious had a way too loud jump scare soundtrack! Yeesh!)

(Can you also tell a neighbor is driving me crazy with a new subwoofer?)

Ceiling-Mounted Subwoofer

New from Avenge Audio, it’s the Subsonic Ceiling Subwoofer, the ceiling-mounted subwoofer to get revenge against upstairs neighbors who drive you crazy with their subwoofer and make your home an unpleasant place to be!

Here’s how it works: Simply screw mount the unit to the ceiling, turn it on, and watch the magic happen! The Subsonic Ceiling Subwoofer sends an endless series of deeply resonant tones at just the right frequencies to shake and pound your neighbor’s floor and drive them crazy, but you won’t hear a thing (except for your annoying neighbor’s cries of frustration)! And when they ask you to turn it down and promise to stop their subwoofer too, you’ll know it was money well spent! But keep it going anyway, just to get revenge!

Trump Adult Diapers

The gold standard in stopping embarrassing leaks.