You’ll shake on the floor with terror when you see Subwoofer: The Horror Movie!
In an apartment somewhere in Los Angeles, a mild-mannered
religion professor lives constantly annoyed by the subwoofer of his upstairs
(or downstairs, or next door: bass does not discriminate against who it annoys,
or who uses it to annoy others!). Driven too far by the bass drivers in his
neighbor’s apartment, he carelessly says he’ll do anything, worship anyone,
sell his soul if necessary, to make the subwoofer stop. And just then, he’s
possessed by a demon who turns him into a Satanist who performs black masses so
loud and terrifying, but heard only by the subwoofer-wielding neighbor, that
said neighbor must come and confront him. And once the neighbor has done so,
the possessed Satanist guy yanks him into the apartment and sacrifices him to
Satan, with his soul forever damned to hear booming bass forever and ever as if
from a subwoofer through an apartment floor (or ceiling), driving him insane!
And as if that’s not bad enough, his de-fleshed and de-brained head (and let’s
be honest, ‘his’ head, because most of the people driving their neighbors crazy
in apartment buildings are men, especially young men, because young men are
inherently selfish and rebellious creatures who don’t know what it’s like to
live on the other end of their behavior yet) is filled with black magic spells
and sealed into his own subwoofer, which is then donated to a Goodwill to be
sold.
A few months later, we see a nice young couple buy our now
cursed subwoofer, along with its accompanying sound system, for a great price
(it’s a really good one, so they’re stoked, or so they think, for now…!), and
they move into an apartment building. And you can probably guess what happens
next. Yes, every time they go to bed, the subwoofer turns on and thumps them
awake. Also, they keep getting complaints from their neighbors and landlords
about their subwoofer when it’s not even on. And everyone who complains about
the subwoofer dies in horrifying ways, their soul sent to Satan to join in the
subwoofer hell of the original owner, lorded over by a bass-booming Baphomet. And
pretty soon, the Satanic subwoofer takes on a life of its own, pumping
pernicious pounding in perpetuity, causing all who hear it to be murdered,
tortured and damned by a Satanic subsonic sound wave!
How can it be stopped? You’ll have to wait until you see Subwoofer: The Horror Movie!
(Can you tell I just saw Annabelle:
Creation? For me, the most frightening part of that very scary movie was
imagining my subwoofer-armed neighbors watching this movie at home when I’m
trying to sleep or when I have a headache! It’s very bass-heavy jump-scary. And
I though Insidious had a way too loud
jump scare soundtrack! Yeesh!)
(Can you also tell a neighbor is driving me crazy with a new
subwoofer?)
