Feline Febreze

We all know that cat litter box odor can make your house, and Febreze helps eliminate such odors. But does your house smell bad to your cat? If so, then use the new Feline Febreze air fresheners, with scents cats really love, like:

Smelly Shoe Scent

Festering Fish Fragrance

Canned Cat Cuisine

Murdered Mouse Memories

Putrid Pussycat Perfume

Adolescent Animal Aroma

Soiled Sock Smell

Sexy Spray Stink

Blossoming Butt Bouquet

(Yes, the names all have to be alliterations or cats won't like them.)

Travel Website Ramones Ad Song?

I’m a big fan of the Ramones, and I cannot help but notice that while their music is commonly used in ads these days, it’s almost always one song: “Blitzkrieg Bop”, and nothing else. I’ve seen one ad where: “California Sun” was used (a song that was written by Henry Glover that the Ramones played as a cover), but that’s the only other song I can think of played by the Ramones I’ve seen in a TV spot. Maybe there should be more of their songs in ads, perhaps with plays on their lyrics to send a specific message relating to the product or service being advertised?

Here’s a possible reworking of the Ramones song: “We’re a Happy Family”, with the lyrics altered to reflect the current and common issue of everyone using their cell phones constantly, even when eating meals together at home. (My teenage niece says she sometimes has to confiscate her parents’ iPhones at the breakfast table or during dinner.)

Sitting all alone,

Playing with our phones,

Reading lots & lotsa tweets,

Life is really, really sweet.

We got no real friends,

Just messages to send,

No parties to attend,

Nowhere we’ve been.

While this song is playing, we’d see a family of four: mother, father, son and daughter, and they’re sitting at the dinner table, and rather than having conversations or visiting with each other, they’re all on their smartphones just looking at messages or watching videos or playing video games, etc. And then the announcer says maybe we should consider putting down our smartphones and actually living in the real world and going on a trip somewhere.

Here is the Ramones’ song: “We’re a Happy Family” I am referring to here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZQlM59sDJVo

YouTube World Series Ad

I wanted to hear the great Motörhead song about the Ramones (which I own on cd, but I don’t feel like digging it out of a huge box of cds right now) called: “R.A.M.O.N.E.S.”, and so I looked it up on YouTube, but when I clicked on the video I wanted, there was a very brief ad showing the YouTube logo of the red rounded rectangle with the little white arrow in it, and it said something like: “YouTube Films presents…” And then there was this extremely loud noise, which was three times as loud (at least) as the video I was about to watch/listen to; so loud it really hurt my hears and made me have to rip off my headphones for fear of hearing damage: a very high-pitched noise which I guess is their audio signature (corporate musical theme), like Intel has one for their ads, and National Geographic had one for their TV specials, and T-Mobile has one for their ads, and Duracell has one for their ads: you get the idea; you’ve all heard them before countless times. The ad was pretty short, like maybe three seconds, but it was quite jarring, and I still have a headache from it, I am not kidding.

This must be something like the “sonic attacks” in Cuba that have been reported in the news as victimizing American diplomats and some American tourists; because, ouch, it really hurt. It hurt so much I went to the trouble to write about it.

If this is not what the Cubans use to attack Americans visiting their country, maybe they should consider using it. That way they could make the claim that they merely innocently searched for and clicked on a video on YouTube, and this really short video ad appeared before the video that was really loud, but also way too short to react quickly enough to turn it off before it blared weaponized audio frequencies for all unsuspecting people in the vicinity to hear, and it would seem legitimate. If they said that, I would believe them after my experience tonight.

Aside from the amazingly ear-splitting volume overkill I experienced this evening, the musical theme is I guess not that bad. It’s not really good either, and it’s in a frequency range that tends to be annoying to the listener in and of itself, but I’ve heard worse. But I love YouTube, and I honestly think they deserve better than this. And them playing it ridiculously loud does not make me change my mind about that, although I will be sure to remember it to the extent that I’ll never forget it, but it’s not for the reasons they might have been hoping for. My advice would be for them to make a different one that’s better, but failing that, I hope they’ll consider not assaulting their consumers’ ears with such a deafening volume level in future ads of this nature. I appreciate the brevity of the spot, which was only around three seconds, and about YouTube’s special coverage of the World Series. High frequencies are the worst for blaring at ear-splitting volume levels, don’t you know: they’re the most destructive for things like hearing loss and tinnitus. And this is coming from a Motörhead and Ramones fan. When someone like me says it’s too loud and it hurts my ears, you know it really is too loud.

Here are some of the sound logos, or audio themes, I mentioned above for Intel, T Mobile, and National Geographic, respectively:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ihRPi4wcBY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3zrJDWmzm0w&list=PLqWMvGxavxhHrlBupkxdKIkjn-Atvud5v&index=6

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ws2If8h8-pE

And here’s a great selection of various corporate identity musical themes for people who are interested in such things (like me):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KMSnn2C3EAw&list=PLqWMvGxavxhHrlBupkxdKIkjn-Atvud5v

Joke Demonic Horror Film

In this demonic horror film, a demon transforms into a beautiful woman to tempt a pious priest into lust and sin, never letting up on the poor priest in a merciless attempt at carnal seduction, and then drags the priest into hell when he gives in to the temptation and breaks his vow of celibacy. But once in hell together, the priest begins nagging the demon for sex, saying things like: “Come on! You got me all hot for you; you can’t just leave me like that. It’s bad for my health.” (And on and on: you know, all the stuff guys say to try to manipulate people into sleeping with them when they don’t want to.) And when the demon says: “I just did what I did to get your soul damned to hell; I’m not actually interested in you or attracted to you, so please leave me alone,” the priest says: “You know you want it!” (Etc.) And so the demon leaves hell to try to tempt other mortals into sin and damnation, but the priest keeps calling and harassing the demon for sex on the phone night and day. And so the demon goes to Satan, complaining about all the sexual harassment the clingy priest is subjecting it to, but Satan says: “You made your bed, and now you’re going to lie in it: with him!” And so now it’s the demon who is damned to an eternity of suffering, in bed with a horny priest. (Demons have to lose in these movies.)

(BTW: The early part of this piece was inspired by the movie The Unholy, a great silly demonic horror movie from 1988 starring Ben Cross, Hal Holbrook, Ned Beatty, and in one of his last (and possibly greatest) roles, Trevor Howard. (< No, really; he’s in it.)

Charitable Pie

On NPR today I heard some guy talking about raising money for something, and he said: “We’re all fighting for a slice of the same charitable pie.”

And I said to myself: “Charitable Pie? Hey, that reminds me of the song: ‘Cherry Pie’, by Warrant. Maybe they could sing about a charitable pie and it would sound less suggestive.”

Let’s see if it does:

She’s my charitable pie,

Her great big assets make my charities fly,

Her tax-free status makes a rich man cry,

My sweet charitable pie!

Donations in the mail, donations on the phone,

Donate it where you like and deduct it on tax forms,

Donations from the left, donations from the right,

Paying all the charities, funding them all night, yeah!

I scream, you scream, we all scream for her,

If you need funds then you can’t ignore her!

She’s my charitable pie,

Everyone gives her money and it's no surprise,

Her sweet deductions make the tax man cry,

Sweet charitable pie!

Oh, yeah! 

She’s my charitable pie,

Puts a smile on NPR’s face ten miles wide,

Funds so good brings a tear to your eye,

Sweet charitable pie!

Okay, I guess it’s still pretty suggestive. Oh well. And I thought charitable contributions were asexual.

This is “Cherry Pie” by Warrant, for those who haven’t heard it before:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OjyZKfdwlng

This Is a Required Field

I have a news flash for people trying to sell things online: If you have a thing where we are given a menu for options, sometimes we’re just looking to see what the options are before we check to see if it’s the right thing for a gift. If we then encounter a red box that says: “This is a required field”, we’re probably not going to buy anything from you, because it’s rude. If we don’t pick an option, it’s because we’re not intending to buy it today. Don’t be pushy. We used to get pushy sales tactics enough in person; we don’t need it from software.

There is a reason use car salesmen have the negative reputation they do. People do not like that. Sometimes consumers cave to sales pressure from other people; they probably will not cave to an annoying website prompt so easily. But keep it up if you think so.

I have encountered this issue multiple times recently, and I won’t be buying from any of those websites. Stuff like this is why people buy from Amazon. Plus we like getting their nagging emails reminding us to buy things we’ve only looked at once and decided not to buy. (Oh, wait: That sucks too! Maybe Amazon should not nag us like that either. I hear there’s the new site called Alibaba… I’m sure there are not 40 thieves working for that company, so no worries.)

(For those unfamiliar, there is a story called: Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves which is a tale from the Arabian Nights. There is a lot of thievery, backstabbing and killings in this story. So with that in mind, Alibaba seems like kind of a strange name for a business.)

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ali_Baba

Girl, You’re Getting a Gateway!

Remember the old Dell ads in the early 2000s with the guy saying: “Dude, you’re getting a Dell!”? That really worked well for Dell and the sales went through the roof. And I always wondered, why didn’t Gateway make a similar campaign but with a gal saying to her female friends: “Girl, you’re getting a Gateway!” That way they could have won the female market of Windows PC users and left Dell with mostly only dudes.

Oh well, maybe that’s why you don’t hear much about Gateway anymore. Actually, I don’t hear much about Dell nowadays either. I think both companies are watching people buying Macs and iPads and iPhones and they’re screaming in frustration: “Aaaaa! You’re getting an Apple!” (<Instead of a Dell or a Gateway)

V8 Dracula Prince of Darkness Joke Halloween Ad

Dracula, Prince of Darkness is on TCM this evening, and in it there’s a scene where some guy who’s staying in Dracula’s castle gets knocked out by Dracula’s servant, Klove, and then he gets hoisted above Dracula’s ashen remains and has his throat slit to bleed down upon said remains, thus reconstituting Dracula, who was reduced to dust via exposure to sunlight in the previous Hammer outing, Horror of Dracula. (I can imagine Klove bending over with a whisk broom and a dustpan trying to make sure he gets all the dust. If he misses any, Dracula may return minus a hand or something.) And I thought it might be fun to have a Halloween ad showing this scene, and once Dracula is completely reconstituted, he hits his forehead and says: “I coulda had a V8!”

Actually, it might be even easier and even more fun to have Dracula just bite some fair maiden’s neck, drink her blood, let go of her shoulders so she slumps down to the floor, and then he slaps his forehead and says: “I coulda had a V8!” I think that would make a fun Halloween ad for V8.

Kaopectate Rocky Wannabe Ad (Proposed)

We hear the theme music from the movie Rocky, and we see a man dressed up in sweat clothes like Rocky, and he’s shadow boxing and then jogging, etc.; and then we see him in his kitchen cracking a bunch of raw eggs into a glass, and he drinks them. Then we cut to him holding his stomach, we hear gurgling, and he runs into the bathroom. Then the announcer says: “Need relief from diarrhea? Kaopectate knocks it out, fast!” (Or: “Punched in the gut by diarrhea? Kaopectate knocks it out, fast!”)

Diet Sprite Ad Song (Proposed)

To the tune of “Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend” (made famous by Marilyn Monroe in the movie Gentlemen Prefer Blondes):

A kiss on the hand may be quite continental, but Limon is a girl’s best friend.

A kiss maybe grand but it won’t make you mental, nor keep your diet low fat, and help to keep your tummy flat.

(A beautiful woman holds a bottle of Diet Sprite and sings the above lyrics while performing a dance routine choreographed to accentuate the lyrics.)

STD Billboard Ad

While driving in the San Fernando Valley I saw a billboard ad that surprised me. It was an image of the sea in the style of an old Japanese woodcut print, and the headline read: “Syphilis Tsunami”. It’s kind of a yucky message anyway, but to make the comparison to the earthquake and tsunami that hit Japan in 2011 I thought was perhaps in questionable taste. (The Japanese woodcut style image makes the connection pretty clear.)

But this led me to wondering: Were the following headlines already taken: “Herpes Hurricane” (with an image of hurricane devastation), “Chlamydia Cyclone” (with an image of cyclone devastation), “Gonorrhea Gale” (with an image of sailboats being tossed about), “V. D. Volcano” (with an image of an erupting volcano), and: “STD Super Storm” (with an image of an enormous hurricane radar image)? Those might work too.

This is what the billboard looks like:

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DDsQU3gUQAAdosL.jpg

http://mms.businesswire.com/media/20170619006340/en/593671/5/Syphilis_Tsunami_14_x_48_Final_highres.jpg

Dawn of the Dieting Dead

The flesh-eating zombie thing really has been done to death at this point, so I think we could use a change. So here is the horrifying new zombie film: Dawn of the Dieting Dead!

One day in the near future, the dead come back to life. But they don’t want to eat you nor your brain. In fact, they don’t want to eat anything at all…! But if you think we’re safe, there is another, even more horrifying threat posed by the dieting dead: they give us all negative body image, and they make everyone feel fat! And so before you know it, all of the living stops eating too to try to diet themselves into looking as thin as the dieting dead, and pretty soon, one by one, humanity succumbs to malnutrition and we all join the ranks of the dieting dead. But at least everyone will look good in skinny jeans.

Think you’re hungry for shocking, visceral horror? You won’t be anymore when you see Dawn of the Dieting Dead! Coming soon to a theater near you.

Vengeance of the Vegan Dead

The night the dead vegans come back to life, and they eat up all the vegan food in the country, so the only thing that’s left for living vegans to eat is… meat, and more meat!

The most horrifying film ever made for vegans, it’s: Vengeance of the Vegan Dead! Coming soon to a theater near you.