Superman Anti-Violence Joke PSA

We watch Superman catch and beat up a super villain, and then he turns to the camera and says: "Hi, I'm Superman. You may find me to be heroic, beating up villains and criminals like I do, but in reality, violence never solves anything. And if you try to serve up justice or settle disputes the way I always do, you'll likely be arrested and charged with assault and go to jail, if the bad guys don't just beat you up or kill you. Remember: I'm impervious to bullets; you're not. And if anyone tries to arrest me, I can simply fly away, or melt the handcuffs with my super heat vision, knock out the cops, escape, and later claim it must have been some lookalike Lex Luthor gave super powers and convinced to impersonate and frame me, while you probably can't do that. So remember kids, violence never solves anything! Except maybe that time I saved Metropolis from certain destruction by punching that asteroid to smithereens. And that time I saved Lois Lane and Perry White from being murdered by villains by beating one of them up until he revealed their whereabouts. Or that time I leapt like a speeding bullet, knocking the gun out of that assassin's hands and saving the mayor and all the innocent civilians around him at the time. Or possibly that time I smashed that bomber that was about to nuke the city. Or perhaps when I used my super strength to smash open the steel doors to the factory and beat up and apprehend the bad guys who were using it to produce poisonous gas to distribute throughout the city in an attempt to kill every last living soul in Metropolis, foiling their plans for good. Or maybe when I..." (And the sound fades out with him still talking.)

Chap Stick Charlie Chaplip Ad (Proposed)

In a proposed silly ad for Chap Stick, we introduce a new advertising mascot for Chap Stick: Charlie Chaplip. Charlie Chaplip is an ersatz Charlie Chaplin, but instead of his small Hitlerian mustache (actually, he had it before Hitler had one, but never mind; in the minds of most people today, it's a Hitler mustache), he has noticeably pale chapped lips until he uses Chap Stick (which he always carries around with him wherever he goes), at which point they become smooth and pink.

We see Charlie Chaplip in scenes similar to those in the classic Charlie Chaplin silent movie The Gold Rush, for example a scene where two guys are stuck out in the frozen tundra prospecting for gold (Charlie Chaplip and another character), and the other character gets his lips chapped so badly that he hallucinates that Charlie Chaplip is a man-sized stick of Chap Stick, and he tries to grab Charlie and forcibly twist Chap Stick out of his head, with Charlie saving himself just in time when he finds his own stick of Chap Stick in one of his pockets (He has to try all of his pockets before he finally finds his Chap Stick.) and presents it to the guy.

CPAP Mask Hotel/B&B Joke Ad

As we see a couple enter their room at a B&B or hotel an announcer says: "We set up a hidden camera to see how well (whatever brand of) CPAP mask works to enhance breathing reduce snoring." Then, that night, we see night vision footage of the couple asleep in bed together. The man wearing the CPAP mask is breathing freely and not snoring as he sleeps on his back. Then, he wakes up and looks directly into the camera. As it happens, he has noticed the camera, and he gets up and stands on the bed to take a closer look at the camera, hidden in an overhead light fixture. Then the man rips the cover off the light fixture, clearly revealing the now exposed camera, and he tears the camera out of the light fixture, wakes up the woman next to him in bed, and the couple freaks out over being spied upon and surreptitiously filmed. Then we see the couple angrily kick down the door of the room where the announcer guy who spoke earlier is sitting and watching a big bank of video monitors showing live feeds from the hidden cameras in all the other rooms in the hotel/B&B, and the couple throws the video camera at him, shouting: "You creepy pervert! How dare you put a hidden camera in our room and film us while we're sleeping!" But the announcer guy says: "We just wanted to see how well your CPAP mask is working for you! This is part of a nationwide study. If we told you about it in advance, we might not have gotten an accurate picture of the efficacy of the mask." Then the couple says: "Oh yeah? Then what's all this stuff?" pointing to the bank of video monitors where we now see (blurred or pixelated) video of other couples in the hotel/B&B engaged in sex, bondage, etc., and then pointing to a pile of freshly burned DVD-Rs of secretly filmed pornography about to go out for distribution, with naughty titles clearly written on them along with the corresponding room numbers where the video was filmed. So the announcer/peeping tom guy, caught in his peeper porn scheme, says: "Oh, sh!t!" and grabs an armload of the DVD-Rs as he tries to run away. And the man of the couple tackles the peeper announcer guy, saying: "Oh no you don't, you peeping pervert!" while the woman from the couple calls 911 for the police to come arrest the announcer guy.

Deodorant Un-Feramones Ad (Proposed)

In a proposed silly TV spot for a deodorant, a young man with body odor is described as having "Un-feramones" (pronounced like: "Unfair-Ramones"). And then a miniature cartoon version of the Ramones appears, singing songs describing the guy's bad smell, following him wherever he goes. Then he decides to try the brand of deodorant the ad is for, and the Unfair Ramones band stops singing teasing songs and disappears.

Advertising Song: "How They Lure Ya'"

To the tune of Handel's "Hallelujah Chorus", we hear a chorus sing: "How They Lure Ya'" again and again as we are shown the many tactics employed to attract customers to whatever business (let's say, for example, a bank). Then the announcer goes on to say that (whichever bank the ad is for) attracts its customers with reliable and flexible banking, so they don't need to use gimmicks and offers to lure potential customers.

This is Georg Friedrich Handel's "Hallelujah Chorus":

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=usfiAsWR4qU

Dr. Scholl's Odor-X Insoles "The Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe" Ad (Proposed)

An announcer recites an altered version of the nursery rhyme: "The Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe", with the alterations telling us a narrative of how the titular old woman from the poem gets rid of the smell of stinky feet permeating the shoe she lived in by using Dr. Scholl's Odor-X Insoles:

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe,
It smelled of feet so badly, she didn't know what to do,
It dawned on her to try Odor-X insoles,
And she whipped the smell soundly, thanks to Dr. Scholl's!

And as we are read this altered nursery rhyme, we see what transpires in the story play out in the form of a silent movie short (in color, though). And what we see is the old woman moving into (or entering, carrying a suitcase inside, at least) the shoe/home and noticing that it smells unpleasant inside, just like the inside of a shoe would be liable to smell. So she tries a spray can of air freshener, a Glade-style plug-in, and scented candles (shown in rapid succession via jump cuts), but none of them works. But then she has a eureka moment, realizing that since she's living in a shoe, perhaps she should try what works best to rid shoes of odors: Dr. Scholl's Odor-X Insoles. And now, thanks to the Dr. Scholl's Odor-X Insoles, her house is odor-free and smells wonderfully fresh! And then the announcer says that if it works to make an enormous shoe with someone living inside of it smell fresh, imagine how well it will work on the shoes people wear on their feet!

This is the Wikipedia page for the poem: "The Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe":

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/There_was_an_Old_Woman_Who_Lived_in_a_Shoe

Halo Ramones Ad (Proposed)

The Ramones' song "Blitzkrieg Bop" (The one where they chant: "Hey, Ho, Let's Go!") is already overused in ads, generally not even using the song's lyrics and/or theme whatsoever. So why not use it (in very slightly altered form) for an ad where its lyrics and theme would actually work with what's going on, and that's as the song accompanying an advertisement for a video game from Halo series.

We'd open up with the chant of: "Ha-lo, Let's go! Ha-lo, Let's go!" as the door to a military troop vehicle opens and soldiers (one of them the player of the game, and whose POV we're presented with) pour out, attacking and shooting at whatever people fight in Halo games. And the Ramones begin singing the (actual) lyrics to the song's first verse:

They're bombing in a straight line,
They're going through a tight wind,
The kids are losing their minds,
Blitzkrieg bop!

Dandruff Shampoo "Put Your Head on My Shoulder" Ad (Proposed)

We hear the classic 1950s song: "Put Your Head on My Shoulder" by Paul Anka, as we see a romantic scene play out where someone puts their head on their significant other's shoulder, but that significant other is wearing a navy blue or black shirt, blazer or cashmere sweater, and the person who put their head upon said shoulder lifts their head up off the other person's shoulder, leaving behind proof of their having put their head there in the form of copious quantities of dandruff flakes.

This is Paul Anka performing: "Put Your Head on My Shoulder" in 1959:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uvxagNIBVLU

And here's the record version (which might be exactly the same as the performed version, as American television of that period tended to require rock and roll type music to be lip-synched so as to prevent any type of shenanigans or bad taste ad-libbing of lyrics):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M0RNeyjmaE0

Viagra "Return to Lake Flaccid" Ad (Joke/Proposed)

This joke/proposed TV spot for Viagra would play like a mock Olympics documentary, where the famed "Miracle on Ice" occurred.   And the "Miracle on Ice" would end up being the first time a man (an old man in the fictional geriatric community of Lake Flaccid) achieved an erection in years, due to Viagra. And we're given a blow by blow account of what happened on the ice that day, when a couple went ice skating together on the frozen Lake Flaccid (after the man had taken a Viagra), and as she rubbed up against him, the "miracle" occurred and he got an erection.

(And this ad would be called: "Return to Lake Flaccid" as a callback to my previous spec Viagra Ad from 2012: "Lake Flaccid", as well as a joke on the title of the sports documentary: "Return to Lake Placid".)

Here is my original "Lake Flaccid" spec ad for Viagra:

http://unconditionedresponse.blogspot.com/2012/01/lake-flaccid-proposed-ad-for-viagra.html

Antiperspirant "Murder My Sweat" Ad (Proposed)

In a 1940 noir detective movie-themed scenario (shot in black & white), a detective sits in his office, completely bone-dry on a hot, humid evening despite the temperature (an evening that shows other people pouring with sweat out on the sidewalk and inside the office building where our heroic detective has his offices), and in the snappy dialog of a Dashiell Hammett/Raymond Chandler novel, we hear our hero recount how he came to be so sweat-free, in a TV spot entitled: "Murder My Sweat" (A joke on the title of the movie version of Raymond Chandler's novel "Farewell My Lovely", which was retitled Murder, My Sweet because the movie studio worried that the book title would be misinterpreted as the title of a Western movie, and would hence leave audiences frustrated by what they might consider false advertising.) And we go back into a narrative flashback showing what he's recounting, and we see the story of a woman who hires our gumshoe protagonist to solve the mystery of why her brother, whom she has recently seen after many years looking completely dry and smelling fresh on the hottest of days, which concerns her because her memory of her brother was that he always sweated profusely and smelled of underarm odor. And so our shamus investigates his client's brother and finds that it is, in fact, the same man, and that he's been transformed since his sister last saw him into the dapper, fresh-scented, dry-armpitted gentleman that he is today because he began using (whatever brand of) antiperspirant. And having solved the puzzle, he reunited brother and sister, and refused payment from the latter because he says he had discovered something far more valuable: how to stop his profuse and malodorous underarm perspiration, or, in other words: "Murder My (that is, His, the detective's) Sweat". And naturally, all through the flashback scenes we see our heroic private dick character pouring with sweat as he traverses the stifling city pursuing his investigation; and in the final scene we return to our detective wrapping up the story in his office, looking completely clean and dry, as in the opening scene. And then he opens his desk drawer to retrieve an example of the antiperspirant the ad is for, and he hands it to a previously unseen, profoundly sweaty person who he's been speaking to this whole time (when all along we thought it was us!), and as he hands this new client the antiperspirant, he says: "There, go clean yourself up and get all dried out." And so apparently he was hired by another client on a case regarding profuse sweating, this time to help the client solve the conundrum of how to stop his own underarm perspiration and body odor.

Soap Pigpen Ad (Proposed)

I'm not sure if this has ever been done before, but in the Peanuts gang there is a character called Pigpen who is so dirty he always brings a cloud of dust and dirt along with him wherever he goes. And so who better to be the advertising mascot for some type of children's soap and/or shampoo? After all, most kids know the Peanuts, if not from the comic strip, then surely from the TV specials.

And so we'd see Pigpen all dirty and disheveled like he usually appears, but then he hears about some nice event he wants to attend (like a school dance or some such thing), and so he cleans himself up with the soap and/or shampoo the ad is for, and when he arrives at the event he is so clean that hardly anybody recognizes him, and they think he must be a new kid or something. And to wrap it up, we see a product shot of the soap and/or shampoo, along with the text of the slogan, and a mock voiceover of the muted trombone that's always heard whenever an adult speaks in a Peanuts TV special.

No Dorks Allowed... (Proposed comedy sketch for Cartoon Network's "Robot Chicken")

In the Peanuts TV special Snoopy Come Home, Snoopy travels across the country to visit his sick former owner, a little girl. Along the way, Snoopy (along with his bird friend Woodstock) is continually thrown out of different buildings because of a "No dogs allowed" sign on the door. And accompanying each time Snoopy and Woodstock are tossed out of somewhere, a men's chorus (I think) says/chants: "No dogs allowed!", followed by a women's chorus (I think) saying/chanting: "Or birds...!"

With this in mind, I thought it might make for a fun Robot Chicken sketch to have the nerd character walk into a gym or a high school locker room and then get thrown out, with the same type of men's chorus and women's chorus saying/chanting (in the same manner as in Snoopy Come Home): "No dorks allowed!" "Or nerds...!"

Tide The Dirty Dozen Ad (Proposed)

A high school (or middle school) league sports team (soccer, football, or baseball/softball, or a campaign with an ad featuring one sport each) gets really dirty and messy in every game they play. Luckily the person laundering their uniforms uses Tide, getting all the dirt out and making them look fresh and new after every wash!

Coffee Yosemite Sam Ad (Proposed)

People getting up for work and driving to work in rush hour angrily and crankily mumble the fake curse words Yosemite Sam is famous for mumbling in Bugs Bunny cartoons until they get their coffee, at which point they become chipper and happy, comporting themselves more in the manner of the hyper-polite beavers from the Warner Bros. cartoons.

(Yosemite Sam often says mock curse phrases like: "Brecka-frecka sallifrassin'!" (Etc.)

Snickers Halloween Ads (Proposed)

Using the Snickers ad campaign concept and slogan of: "You're not yourself when you're hungry", we see monsters on the rampage (a werewolf, a hungry zombie, a vampire, the Frankenstein monster) until they're given a Snickers bar, and then they change back into normal people, and we hear the slogan: "You're not yourself when you're hungry." Then, as a tag, the group is terrified to see King Kong or Godzilla appear from behind them.

Laxative "Like a Rock" Ad (Proposed)

We see uncomfortable people holding their lower tummy area while we hear the chorus from the Bob Seger song: "Like a Rock" playing.

(This song was used for quite a while as the ad campaign music for Chevy trucks, so I thought it would be fun to have a callback to that tried & true advertising song, but applied to a different product.)

Laxative Rock, Paper, Scissors Ad (Proposed)

We see a game of rock, paper scissors, and one player always chooses to play rock. The other players ask why he always choose rock, and the player says it's because he's always constipated.

Gas-X "Your Cheatin' Fart" Ad (Joke/Proposed)

We see a group of people standing together somewhere (i.e.: at a concert), and all of a sudden everyone gets a look on their face like they just smelled something awful, and everyone backs away from one person in the middle who is then seen standing alone within a large circle of people. As we're watching this happen, we hear a joke version of Hank Williams's famous song: "Your Cheatin' Heart", but with new lyrics about gas:

Your cheatin' fart, came out of you,
Your cheatin' fart, will tell on you.

Then we see a product shot and hear the announcer tell us Gas-X prevents gas, and we see the person who dealt it earlier take some Gas-X, and then we cut back to a similar scene, where the same thing happens to someone else. Then we hear a clip from the same joke song:

Your cheatin' fart, makes them say: "Ew!",
Your cheatin' fart, will smell on you.

Deodorant/Mouthwash Birthday Ad (Joke/Proposed)

At someone's (a young man, say in his 20s) birthday party, his friends gather around, but not too close (noticeably keeping their distance somewhat), and gift the birthday boy with his gift from each of them, one after the other. And each present he opens is exactly the same: either deodorant or mouthwash, all the same brand. And each time he opens a gift, he starts to resign himself to the message his friends are trying to send him. Then the announcer says: "Even your friends won't come out and tell you you have body odor/bad breath. Give yourself a gift: the gift of fresh scent/fresh breath every day."

Cat Food "The Flop" Ad (Proposed)

We see someone feeding their cat, and the cat eats some of the food and then comes over to the owner and flops in front of them in that "pet me" manner cat lovers know so well. During this, we hear an altered version of the 1950s song: "At The Hop", singing:

Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow,
Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow,
Let's flop!

When they flock around the bowl,
And they swallow it down whole you get the flop, (Flop, flop, flop!),
When the can starts spinnin' and they're eating their chicken get the flop, (Flop, flop, flop!),
It's the cat sensation that's making them playful, it's the flop! (Flop, flop, flop!),

Let's go do the flop,
Let's go do the flop, (Oh kitty),
Let's go do the flop, (Oh kitty),
Come on,
Let's go do the flop!

This is "At The Hop", by Danny and the Juniors, from 1958:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6EeObPCMR8

Gas-X Dance Club Ad (Joke/Proposed)

We see a small group of people dancing on the dance floor of a nightclub when the music segues into a song of electronic dance music where the synthesizer bass sounds like it's farting. (I think we mostly all have heard a song where the synth bass sounds like this.) The group looks at each other and laughs. Then one of them takes a packet of Gas-X out of their pocket or purse and walks over to the DJ booth and gives a Gas-X tablet to the DJ. The DJ looks at it quizzically and takes it (possibly assuming it to be a club drug), and once the tablet is swallowed, the bass sound immediately changes to that of a clean-sounding, resonant electric bass.

Twizzlers "Serious" Joke Ad

Twizzlers' current ad campaign says you can't be serious with Twizzlers, and shows serious-looking people being manipulated into smiling and laughing via prodding with a Twizzler. So how about kicking it up a notch, like so?

At the state funeral of a dictator from a totalitarian regime, everyone is forced, under penalty of death, to comport themselves in a somber and mournful manner. And we focus in on one particularly serious- and thoughtful-looking mourner, and then the guy next to him prods his face with a Twizzler, and he smiles and starts laughing, which outrages the regime, and the man is immediately arrested and sentenced to death.

The following morning at dawn, the man who allowed himself to evince a break in his mourning at the state funeral is woken up to be executed by firing squad. The guards lead him to the place of execution where he's tied to a post. The official in charge asks if he has any last request, and he asks that everyone present is given Twizzlers, which they are. And once they get the Twizzlers, the firing squad and the officers commanding them all break out in smiles and laughter, and having such fun, they decide to untie the condemned man let him go. And after he's untied, he is handed a Twizzler, and he bites into it and smiles and laughs.

(Other possibilities for this even sillier ad campaign could include a murder investigation with the victim's family present, and a stuffy award ceremony where some extremely serious professor is presented with a medal or award for outstanding lifetime achievement despite years of various and continual hardships.)

Here's an example of the Twizzlers "You can't be serious with Twizzlers" ad campaign:

https://www.ispot.tv/ad/wZxP/twizzlers-you-cant-be-serious-beard

Bubbie Burmuda

A proposed name (like Tommy Bahama) for a geriatric sportswear company

Super Hold Hair Gel World Cup Soccer Ad (Proposed)

A soccer player applies the super hold gel to their hair, and when they head the ball in a game, it sticks to their hair/head.

Spector Bass Ad Slogan (Proposed)

"Spector Basses: The Voice of God." (Or: "What the voice of God sounds like.")

(For those who don't know, Spector basses are amazing high-end electric bass guitars with one of the best sounds imaginable.)

Butter "Margarinescotch" Ad (Joke/Proposed)

Kids are offered candies by their grandmother, the kids ask what the candy is, and they're told: "margarinescotch" (instead of butterscotch), and the kids say: "Eeewwwwww!" Then the announcer says: "There's just nothing as good as 100% real butter."

Lip Blam

Lip Blam: The brand of lip balm that makes your lips swell up in size for that effortless "duck face" look all the time!

Silver & Gold Olympics Song (Proposed)

With all this talk of silver and gold medals, and the battle for silver and gold in the Ladies Figure Skating competition last night, I couldn’t help but think of that song: “Silver and Gold” (sung by Burl Ives as an animated snowman) from the old Rankin Bass Christmas special: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. And then I thought how this song could be slightly altered to be a fun Olympics promo song, or an Olympics-themed advertising jingle.

So here’s my (slightly) altered version of the song for use as Olympics promo theme music or an ad jingle:

(Based upon: “Silver and Gold”, from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, sung by Burl Ives)

Silver and gold, silver and gold,

Athletes competing for silver and gold,

How do you measure its worth?

Just recognition of skill and hard work.

Silver and gold, silver and gold,

Means so much more when I see,

Silver and gold decorating,

Athletes from my country.

Here’s the song “Silver and Gold”, sung by Burl Ives:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rY-XDQN6ipE

And of course, having a snowman sing a song for the Winter Olympics would be especially appropriate.

Olympics Women's Hockey Tampax Ad (Proposed)

We see well-known women's hockey players playing for the US and Canadian teams in stiff competition. A player shoots and scores, and the (female) announcer says: "Tampax won't let your period get in the way of your period."

(Tampax is owned by P&G, and P&G is an Olympics sponsor, so this would work well as an Olympic ad.)

Super G Skiing Song

(Based upon the song: "Super Freak" by Rick James)

She's a mega skiing girl,
The kind you'd love to take to Mammoth,
She will never let you beat her down,
Once you get her on her skis,
(Oh, girl!)

She fights the boys down the bend,
She says the climb up's not her favorite,
When she makes her move with you she gets the top time,
She's very hard to beat,
(Go, go!)

That girl is pretty wild now,
That girl does Super G,
The kind of girl you read about,
In skiing magazines,
Her style is super sleek yeah,
That girl does Super G,
I really love to race her,
Every time we meet!

Skis all right,
Skis all night,
That girl's alight with speed.
Yeah...

Hey hey, hey, hey...!

She does Super G, Super G,
She's super racing now,
Everybody sing,
Super G, Super G!

She's a competitive girl,
(The kind of girl who wants to win,)
From her head down to her toenails,
(Down to her skis, yeah!)
And she'll race you down the back way with her girlfriends,
On her little skis,
(Long and red and shiny.)

She screams so loud oh when she wins,
Since she's been four she has been skiing,
When she gets them she holds trophies by their handles,
It's such a thing to see!

That girl Ester Ledecka,
That girl does Super G,
The kind of girl you read about,
In snowboard magazines,
That girl Mikaela Shiffrin,
That girl does Super G,
I really like to face her,
Every time we ski!

Skis all right,
Skis all night,
That girl's alight with glee.
Yeah...

Hey hey, hey, hey...!

She does Super G, Super G,
She's super skiing now,

(Temptations sing!)
(Whoa!)

Super G, Super G,
That girl does Super G!
(Whoa!)

She's a mega skiing girl,
The kind you want to take to Mammoth,
She will always race you skiing down,
Once you get her on the slopes,
(Snow, daddy!)

(BTW: Apologies to people offended by the use of the word: "girl". I did not write the song this was based upon; only this homage to it and these great Olympic skiers. And I think this would make a good advertising song for one of these two in future competitions, or in product endorsements.)

And here it is, although it needs no introduction: "Super Freak", by Rick James:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QYHxGBH6o4M

Wrinkle Cream Rip van Wrinkle Ad (Proposed)

Rip van Wrinkle is actually Rip van Winkle, but after sleeping for so long, he has developed such sleep-induced wrinkles on his face that everyone calls him Rip van Wrinkle. So, irritated by this insulting nickname, our hero ventures forth to find a wrinkle cream to rid himself of his nicknamesake wrinkles, soon finding the brand of lotion/wrinkle cream the ad is for, and using it to remove said facial wrinkles. And upon removing the wrinkles, people who see him are amazed at how wrinkle-free he now looks, and they apologize for having previously referred to him as Rip van Wrinkle. But Rip van Winkle says there are no hard feelings, because they alerted him to his wrinkle problem, which thanks to them he has now solved. And he thanks them by giving them a jar/bottle of the product so they can be wrinkle free as well. Then the announcer says: "Take the wrinkle out of time, with (product)."

The Wolf Man Song

(Based upon the classic children's song: "This Old Man")

This Wolf Man, he had paws,
He killed this man with his claws,
With a bit neck, paddywhack,
Give a wolf a bone,
This Wolf Man came roaring home.

This Wolf Man, he went howl,
Then he ripped out this man's bowels,
With a bit neck, paddywhack,
Give a wolf a bone,
This Wolf Man came roaring home.

This Wolf Man, he went roar,
He killed this man on the floor,
With a bit neck, paddywhack,
Give a wolf a bone,
This Wolf Man came roaring home.

This Wolf Man, made you dead,
Then he ripped off this man's head,
With a bit neck, paddywhack,
Give a wolf a bone,
This Wolf Man came roaring home.

Have You Never Been Metal? (Joke Song)

(Based upon the song: "Have You Never Been Mellow" by Olivia Newton John)

Have you never been metal?
Have you never tried?
If you had, I think that you'd have died!

Joke Insurance "Acts of God" Ad (Joke/Proposed)

We see a heavy Metal band (like Slayer) arrive for band practice and plug in their guitars. The announcer says insurance companies do not cover "Acts of God". Then the band starts playing (some fast low 'E'-string thrash metal riff like something Slayer would have played on Reign in Blood or South of Heaven, or Seasons in the Abyss, and the singer asks, singing: "What about acts of... SATAN!...?" (Singing the name: "Satan" very loud and high-pitched like Tom Araya at the beginning of "Angel of Death", or like Bruce Dickinson from Iron Maiden on "The Number of the Beast".) And the announcer chimes in, saying insurance does not cover against Acts of Satan either, sorry. And the band stops playing and looks at the camera with a crestfallen look upon their faces.

This is "Angel of Death" by Slayer:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a_7TMeDTX_U

And this is "The Number of the Beast" by Iron Maiden:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-iRf9AWoyE

LensCrafters "Love Is Blind" Valentine's Day Ad (Proposed)

We see Cupid flying through the air in a romantic candlelit restaurant, bumping into things as he flies because he cannot see. Then the announcer chimes in, saying: "It is said that love is blind. Well, actually it's only legally blind. That's why so many of us fall for the wrong people." As the announcer says this, we see Cupid flying around the restaurant shooting his arrows of love at prospective amorous mates, but much of the time missing his intended target due to his vision impairment and instead hitting the wrong target, causing the wrong people to fall in love, creating much amour fou and incompatible couples in the process, causing much confusion and frustration in lovers and consternation amongst their friends and family members (and pre-in-laws to be). So LensCrafters gives Cupid some (new) glasses (or contact lenses), and from this point on he always shoots straight and hits his intended dead center each and every time. And the announcer says: "Let LensCrafters help you see the one you love in perfect focus this Valentine's Day!"

Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup "Can-noodle" Valentine's Day Ad (Proposed)

We see a couple snuggling, canoodling even, on their couch by the fire at night on Valentine's Day. We see evidence of Valentine's Day cards and exchanged gifts, and two cups of Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup sit next to each other. Then the couple kisses, hugs, and sits up to partake of their soup. Giggling, they kiss again and then feed each other a spoonful of their soups (We see a close-up of the spoons with broth, chicken and noodles in the spoons, steaming), and the (superimposed) headline reads: "Canoodling." (or: "Can-noodling.") Then the (female) announcer says, amorously, that a couple of steaming bowls of Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup is the perfect can of noodles for loving couples to warm up and canoodle to on Valentine's Day.

Olympics Women's Super G Bounty Ad (Proposed)

Ester Ledecka won the women's Super G skiing gold medal today, and when she was asked: "How long did it take you to absorb the fact that you won Olympic gold?" And Ledecka replied: "I'm still not absorbing (it)."

This report could be replayed, with the addendum: "Brought to you by Bounty Paper Towels, the most absorbent paper towels you can buy!" and followed by an ad for Bounty Paper Towels.

Bounty Paper Towels are made by Procter & Gamble (P&G), and they're a sponsor of the 2018 Winter Olympic Games, so it would work well to segue into an ad for Bounty Paper Towels.

United Healthcare Baby Poop Ad

In this ad for United Healthcare, we see a couple of young parents concerned about their baby's poop. So the mother wants to video chat with a doctor to make sure the baby's poop is normal, and while getting her phone for her, the father slips on a roller skate and crashes into the bookcase behind him. Well, the doctor says the poop is normal for a newborn, and then he jokes that the father's spasticity is normal for a new parent. But is leaving an errant roller skate in the middle of the floor of a new baby's room really normal? Because it seems ridiculously irresponsible to me. I mean, luckily for the baby, the father slipped on the roller skate and went crashing into the bookcase instead of the newborn. And it seemed to me to be an adult-sized roller skate of the clamp onto the shoe variety; so, what, are the new parents roller skating around the baby's crib to entertain it? In fact, the roller skate is such a non-sequitur in a new baby's room to be left in the middle of the floor, unless they want the baby to hurt or kill itself. So why not have the father step on a sharp-ish baby toy instead, and then grab his foot in pain and then hop backwards, losing balance and crashing backwards into the bookshelf? That would make a lot more sense, wouldn't it?

Or wasn't it supposed to be a roller skate? It sure looked like one to me when I saw the spot last during Olympics coverage. If it isn't a roller skate, it certainly seems every bit as dangerous as one, doesn't it? And as such, it shouldn't really be in the baby's room, should it?

Here's the roller poopy ad for United Healthcare:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j6pMB0JUdag

Apple Watch Olympics Joke Ad

Some squashed guy, killed by being run over by a car, says: “If I hadn’t been looking at my Apple Watch, I would have seen the car coming, and I would still be alive.”