GoDaddy GoCentral Adorable Pandas Ad

Hey, wait a minute! This ad shows some guy having a hugging session with a panda. That’s a fake panda! I’ve seen news stories about how pandas maul people when they try to hug them. So GoDaddy just wants us to try to hug pandas so they can secretly film us getting mauled by cute, harmless-looking pandas, and then put it on YouTube and get rich on clicks when it goes viral and everyone laughs at us for being savaged by a panda! I’m on to them! I’m not falling for that again!

Ever since their ‘go hug a lion’ promotion, I’ve known what they want! Yeah, I got mauled again, and they made a lot of money on the video! No fair! And did I get any of the profits? No, or course not!

I know what they’re up to!

(Just kidding. But they had to do something after all the sexist ads. Hey, how about pandas in bikinis washing cars? Go online to see what happens next!)

Here’s the panda pawing propaganda piece:

https://www.ispot.tv/ad/wwwy/godaddy-gocentral-panda-breaks-the-internet

Want proof it’s not safe to cuddle with a panda? Look at this:

http://www.reuters.com/article/us-china-panda-idUSTRE4AN5NF20081124

See? They want you all to die so they can film it and make money from your hilarious deaths! I knew it! (They will deny it, but you know it’s true!)

There are more possible moves in Go than…

I keep hearing people say: “There are more possible moves in Go than there are atoms in the universe.” (Go is the Chinese game played with little black and white Mentos or whatever they are. {“Mentos: The Freshmaker!”})

Um, astrophysicists and astronomers don’t even know how many stars are in the universe, much less planets and moons and asteroids and comets and nebulae, and all the flora and fauna that may exist somewhere out there, so how could they possibly know how many atoms there are in the universe? They can’t, and they don’t. And if there are more possible moves in Go than there are atoms in the universe, then, wow, the universe is a lot smaller than I thought.

Sure, there are a lot of possible moves in Go, but we don’t know enough about the universe to say there are fewer atoms than moves in Go, so please stop saying that already.

But at least they didn’t say there are more possible moves in Go than there are subatomic particles like quarks, leptons, bosons, photons, gluons, electrons, neutrinos, muons, taus, etc., all counted separately, in the universe. But I’m sure someone will claim that someday…

El Pollo Loco Marco Pollo Ad (Proposed)

In this proposed ad for El Pollo Loco, a joke version of the famous explorer Marco Polo, called: “Marco Pollo”, would wear the same types of clothes as Marco Polo, and say that he’s always exploring the world over, searching for the best chicken in the world. But he’s finally found it, at El Pollo Loco! Then he says: “Discover it for yourself!”

(There’s been a big budget TV show about Marco Polo lately, so it would actually resonate with viewers to use this silly ad concept, I think.)

Fraudulent Click App?

Have you ever visited a website, and you clicked on something, but the banner ad acted like you clicked on it, even though you didn’t, and then your browser was full of cookies? They get money by the click, so that’s fraud. They should go to jail for that bullshit. But they don’t. And what can we do?

Well, I’d love an app that lets me report them and take those fraudulent clicks back so they can’t profit off of their fraud. When will we get an app like that? I’d download that app, even if it didn’t have filters to make people look like dogs and stuff. Maybe they could make them look like Satan, or Snidely Whiplash, or that guy in the Neighborhood Watch signs? That way everyone would know they were criminals. Because they are criminals when they fraudulently operate a click window big enough to poach our intended clicks: that’s fraud, and it’s a crime.

Fresh Step Cat Litter Thundercats Ad (Joke/Proposed)

The Thundercats are constantly being attacked by Mumm-Ra, they think because he wants Lion-O’s Sword of Omens, but it’s really because of their awful litter box odor. And so, unable to defeat the Thundercats, Mumm-Ra makes a peace offering in a gift of Fresh Step cat litter. And recognizing that Mumm-Ra probably has been bothered by their litter box odor all this time, explaining his hostility, they use the Fresh Step cat litter from then on, and then the Thundercats and Mumm-Ra become best friends and always hang out together forever afterwards. And, as a tag, we see Mumm-Ra tell Lion-O in confidence: “As an undead Egyptian mummy, I’ve always loved cats. Egyptians mummified them too, you know. But they don’t get litter box odor because they don’t need to use a litter box.”

Adult Floaties Fashions

News articles are criticizing a new fashion trend being displayed in Australia during Sydney Fashion Week: Swimsuits that come with their own arm floaties like kids use when they first learn to swim. People are positively making fun of these new design elements. But are they necessary? Well, for fashion models, they probably are.

Look, fashion models have no body fat, so they’d sink like a stone in the water. Plus, they never eat anything, so if they fell off a boat they wouldn’t have the energy to swim, and they’d drown. This must be the thinking behind these new fashion floaties.

Maybe all of this brand’s swimsuit models drowned when they fell in the water at a pool party last year or something? They’re only trying to save lives here, people! I thought saving lives was always in fashion. You mean it’s not? (If enough people hate them for being so skinny, maybe they can get these fashionable floaties discontinued.)

Here’s the buoyant bathing suits bit:

http://www.teenvogue.com/story/duskii-adult-floaties

(This has to be the only time I have ever read an article in Teen Vogue. No, really. Okay, maybe once before, but don’t tell anyone. Just kidding. Tell everyone.)

Blood Thinner Captain Blood Ad (Joke/Proposed)

I’m watching a pirate movie on TCM right now called The Spanish Main, and it made me think of a silly ad concept: What if Captain Blood were the spokesman for some blood thinner medication (like Pradaxa, Eliquis, Xarelto, etc.). He could appear on camera, dressed in his crimson outfit and all his pirate regalia, and say: “Hi there, I’m Captain Blood. I know more about blood than anyone else. That’s how I got my nickname. People always ask me: ‘What’s the best blood thinner to prevent recurrent stroke?’ And I tell them that’s easy, it’s (whichever brand: Pradaxa, Eliquis, Xarelto, etc.). And I ought to know. I’m Captain Blood! And when you use (brand of anticoagulant), there’s no need for drawing blood like with Warfarin.” (And as he says: “…there’s no need for drawing blood…” he pulls out his sword and makes stabbing motions with it towards the camera.)

Weight Loss Perception Pants

We’ve all seen the ads for weight loss products where some guy holds up a pair of really big pants in front of him to show how much weight he’s lost. It’s very convincing. And that’s why we’ve developed the ultimate in weight loss perception: really enormous waist-size pants for you to hold up in front of yourself so you look like you’ve lost a lot of weight!

With the Weight Loss Perception Pants, there’s no exercise, no yucky foods to eat, and no fuss: simply hold the enormous pants up in front of you, and everyone will think you’ve lost weight! Whenever anyone thinks you’re fat, simply hold up your Weight Loss Perception Pants, and all of a sudden you’ll seem thin by comparison!

What’s our secret? It’s all in the pants! (Well, we don’t want everyone to know this, but if people see someone holding up a pair of enormous pants in front of them, everyone naturally assumes those are the guy’s pants from before when he was even fatter. And then they’ll think he looks thin compared to the pants, and they won’t think he’s fat anymore, even if he still is, and even though he was never that fat before anyway, and he never even wore those pants before either.)

So what are you waiting for? Make people think you’ve lost a lot of weight when you haven’t, with Weight Loss Perception Pants!

You don’t need to lose weight to seem thin anymore, just get Weight Loss Perception Pants!

With Weight Loss Perception Pants, perception is reality!

Credit Card Fraud Protection “Buy-O-Hazard” Ad (Proposed)

We see a person shopping online, and they find something they want to buy, but when they get to the webpage to make the purchase, and it asks them to enter their credit card information, they hesitate, fidget with the credit card in their hands, and ultimately demur, quitting their browser in frustration. Then the announcer says: “When you shop online, do you worry every purchase could be a ‘buy-o-hazard’, exposing your credit card information to hackers and identity thieves? With the credit fraud protection that comes with your (whichever brand of) credit card, you’ll never have to pay for a fraudulent charge, and we’ll always contact you whenever suspicious activity occurs. So go ahead, shop with confidence! With the (whatever) card, there’s no such thing as a ‘buy-o-hazard’.” Then we see the person take out their credit card again, log back online, and buy that thing they wanted. (And then some hacker steals their identity. Just kidding. Their computer gets hit with ransomware instead.)

Credit Card “Buy Accident” Ad (Proposed)

We see someone in a giddy mood shopping for clothes at some swanky store, and they buy some article of clothing that does not suit them and which costs way too much. When they get it home, they hold it up with a smile that quickly turns upside-down into a frown. Then the announcer chimes in, saying: “Have you ever experienced a ‘buy-accident’? It’s when you buy something you think you’ll love, but when you get it home you don’t love it anymore? Maybe it doesn’t fit quite right, or maybe you changed your mind? Well, ‘buy-accidents’ are a thing of the past when you get the (whatever brand/type of) credit card! No matter what the reason, if you’re unhappy with a purchase, we’ll refund your money guaranteed, with no questions asked. So get the (whatever) card, and get rid of ‘buy-accidents’ forever!” Then we see the woman hold up the article of clothing again and she frowns, but then it magically changed into a handful of cash, and she smiles.