Thursday, October 27, 2016

Marathon Man: Part 2

In this thrilling sequel to Marathon Man, Dustin Hoffman’s Babe receives a massive bill from Laurence Olivier’s Szell for dental services performed in the first movie. It is revealed that during the events of the first film, Szell, the escaped Nazi war criminal, has an actual dental practice to distract from his evil escapades, and to cover his tracks just in case Dustin Hoffman’s Babe ever escaped and went to the police, Szell had entered Babe into his appointment book at his practice and noted that he had seen him and had performed extensive and much needed dental work on our hero. And since Szell died at the end of Marathon Man, nobody is left who can attest to the facts of the case (except our hero, who has not paid the bill, so nobody believes him), and as it turns out, when Szell died and his practice closed, all of his outstanding bills were turned over to a bill collections agency, and having gotten everyone else to pay up, Dustin Hoffman’s character is the only one left on the list, with an enormous unpaid bill for them to collect. And wouldn’t you know it, but our hero’s dental insurance refuses to pay the bill because he was not specifically covered under their tortured by escaped Nazi war criminals who torture you by drilling your teeth out plan: a plan they offer, but our hero decided he probably would never need to be covered for such a thing, so he didn’t sign up for it. (That just goes to show you: you should always get every insurance policy offered to you just in case! Brought to you by Geico! Just kidding.)

So what happens is just what you’d expect: Nazi war criminals always hire the most brutal bill collectors, and so these guys chase Dustin Hoffman around everywhere he goes trying to collect the bill; and when they finally catch him, they torture him by breaking his kneecaps and other assorted varieties of persuasion methods to get him to pay, saying each time: “Is it paid? Is it paid? We’ll stop doing this to you when you can tell us it is paid.” So finally our hero agrees to pay, but he says he needs to go to the bank. So he gets the money to pay the bill in a giant sack of quarters and arranges to meet the bill collectors in an abandoned sewage treatment plant, where he dumps the quarters onto their heads, causing the quarters to all bounce onto the floor and into the untreated sewage, where our bad guy bill collectors, after weighing themselves down with pockets full of quarters, dive in to get the rest and they all drown in raw sewage. And our hero, triumphant once more, exits the facility and walks down the street. The End.

(Or is it the end? Because the collections agency never hears from their agents again, and they keep hounding our hero with threatening phone calls and demanding payment this time in untraceable diamonds, and…)

(You know: I wonder. If you needed to hire a dentist to torture someone for you like in Marathon Man, would your dental insurance cover that, or would you need a new policy? Szell did it himself, but what if you needed that sort of thing done and you’re not a skilled torturing dentist? Is that covered? It is dental work, after all…)