Tuesday, October 25, 2016

The Cursive Frankenstein

(This is obviously a joke on the title of The Curse of Frankenstein)

In this thrilling horror movie, The Cursive Frankenstein, the Frankenstein monster is created and, rejected by his creator, he escapes into the countryside, where he is taken in by an unemployed, elderly elementary school teacher who teaches the monster to write in the cursive handwriting style. After the unemployed teacher dies due to age and a lack of benefits and food, the monster strikes out on his own, armed now with the ability to write and speak. But when the monster finds out that schools aren’t teaching kids to write in cursive anymore, he flies into a rage and throws a school policy administrator into a lake, drowning him (instead of a child, like in Frankenstein). Then the monster attacks and occupies an elementary school, where he lets all the kids go and attacks all teachers and school administrators who try to oust him. Then the community, in an uproar, and misunderstanding the reason for the monster’s rage, storm the school with torches and pitchforks and burn the school to the ground. The End.

Oh, but the monster does not die, but like in The Bride of Frankenstein, he falls from the burning school and into an underground natural spring. And so in this sequel, The Revenge of Cursive Frankenstein, the monster, inspired by the idea of burning something down after the townspeople burn down an elementary school with him in it, finds out where the school district keeps all their budget money, and he threatens to burn it down with all their money going up in smoke if they refuse to start teaching cursive writing again. Well, naturally the policy people refuse, and so he burns it all down, causing massive budget cuts in education in addition to loss of one of the only elementary schools left being burned down in the last move by the townspeople. The End.

And, then, of course, there’s The Bride of Cursive Frankenstein, where Doctor Frankenstein builds a female monster for himself as a new girlfriend once his wife leaves him over his unethical experiments. Oh, but the monster meets her, and seeing his beautiful handwriting, she falls in love with the monster, and Doctor Frankenstein commits suicide in despair. (Or does he just fake his death for the sequel? {I’ll never tell! Or will I? Maybe I will for the next sequel: Cursive Frankenstein Must Be Destroyed, where Dept. of Education officials decide to nuke the town to rid themselves of admitting fault for all the horror of The Cursive Frankenstein movies that only happened because of their decision to cut education as a first, rather than last, resort, just like they nuked the town in Return of the Living Dead, causing the zombie infestation to go nationwide. Oh, but our government would never make anything worse via a military intervention, now would they? Of course not!})

(I actually never used cursive writing much myself, finding handwritten print to be faster personally. But I had to learn it in elementary school: we all did; so why shouldn’t every kid nowadays have to go through the same crap of learning two written styles of English the language? How are people supposed to read old handwritten documents if they don’t know cursive writing? A lot of it looks like scrawl. I’ll bet Lin-Manuel Miranda knew it when he did research for his groundbreaking musical Hamilton.)