NORAD Tracking Santa

I see on the news that NORAD is tracking Santa Claus this Christmas Eve. During a government shutdown NORAD still gets funding for tracking Santa Claus, when other agencies do not get funded? Well, this really shows where our government's priorities lie: spying. They're tracking Santa Claus's activities, probably covertly via satellite. Do they have a warrant for this surveillance activity? They probably already know what Santa is bringing them for Christmas too, those cheaters. I want a congressional investigation!

Rudolph’s Rhinoplasty

In this (joke) ad for a (fictitious) plastic surgery office, we hear the part of the well-known song: “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” that goes:

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose

And if you ever saw it you would even say it glows

All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names

They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games

Then the song continues with the altered lyrics:

Then Rudolph got a reprieve through plastic surgery

Rudolph’s nose now looks so good that he moved to Hollywood

Now all the reindeers love him and he stars in big movies

Rudolph the nose-job reindeer got Rudolph’s Rhinoplasty!

Then the announcer chimes in, saying: “Yes, Rudolph got his nose fixed, and you can too, at Rudolph’s Rhinoplasty!”

Trump Attacks Institutions Handed Down to Us

Last night on Real Time with Bill Maher, Republican strategist Steve Schmidt said President Trump is constantly assaulting the institutions that have been handed down to us as part of our American inheritance.

Of course: Trump is rich, so he doesn't like hand-me-downs. He only likes new things that were made especially for him.

Adidas Samba OG Shoes

I just got a new pair of Adidas Samba OG indoor soccer shoes. They don't have the annoying overly long flip-over tongue, so they cost an extra $30. I guess that's like when Fender used to charge $200 more for a fretless bass because then they wouldn't get to have to go to the trouble to measure, fret, and add inlays to the fingerboard, and not doing stuff like that costs money, don't you know?

I wonder if the "OG" in the name stands for: "Own Goal"? (An own goal is when a soccer player accidentally scores a goal against their own team.)

Barbasol Jurassic World Collectors Can

In cleaning out my bathroom recently I ran across an old collectors edition can of Barbasol shaving cream branded for the Jurassic World movie. It has pictures of dinosaurs on it. I remember thinking, when I bought it: "I want to use the shaving cream dinosaurs use."

But of course there was a Barbasol shaving cream can in the original Jurassic Park. That duplicitous dweeb guy used it to smuggle out the dinosaur DNA. But that can didn't have dinosaurs printed on it or it may have caused suspicion. As if a guy who can barely grow facial hair bringing a can of shaving cream to his desk at work isn't suspicious enough already.

It may seem strange that a shaving cream company would be involved in a corporate espionage scheme to steal dinosaur DNA from a high-tech theme park, but I remember reading once that scientists claim shaving cream was way better 100 million years ago when it was in a more primordial state. Of course, because it was so good, the dinosaurs used it all up, causing their extinction. Barbasol's thinking when they tried to steal the dinosaur DNA was likely that if they could clone a dinosaur with the stolen DNA, maybe they could ask it how to make shaving cream like it was back in the dinosaur era. That way they would save the money it will cost to send Duck Dodgers to Planet X to wage war against the Martians for control of its vast natural resources of the shaving cream atom Illudium Phosdex. (It is said that on Planet X, shaving cream deposits are in a primordial state similar to how it was on prehistoric Earth.) But then the dinosaurs will obviously conquer the planet in order to get back the shaving cream supply they lost so they can use it up again. They just never learn, with those teensy brains.

It's pretty funny that there are collectible cans of shaving cream commemorating movies. Do people actually collect them? I wonder if Barbasol made commemorative cans in 1931 for the movies Dracula and Frankenstein? Dracula would have been in the original red can, and Frankenstein in the soothing aloe green can, obviously. I'd be interested in having those cans, maybe, if they exist, which they don't. I kind of doubt Jurassic World will be remembered as fondly 85 years from now as those movies are, but of course, I could be wrong.

The Hanoi Hilton

With the passing of American hero and Arizona Senator John McCain last weekend we've heard a lot about the "Hanoi Hilton", which was the prisoner-of-war camp John McCain suffered in for numerous years during the Vietnam War. I've often wondered how much the Hilton Hotel company paid Ho Chi Minh for the rights to name it the Hanoi Hilton. They must have had a bidding war with Hyatt and Holiday Inn over who got to add their company's name. Nowadays corporations like to sponsor sports facilities, but back then I guess it was stuff like prison camps that were available to name. Maybe the Hanoi Hilton is the earliest example of such a corporate sponsorship in exchange for naming rights.

Icy Hot/Ben-Gay Neymar Ad (Joke/Proposed)

We see Neymar walking down the street when he gets a muscle cramp in his leg and he falls down, flopping to the ground and writhing in agony, holding his leg. Then the announcer says that when muscle pain strikes, use Icy Hot/Ben-Gay.

Slo-Mo Arguments

Well, the World Cup is all done and in the books now, and it was a really good one. We had FIFA colluding with the Russians, lots of fake flopping and writhing around on the ground, and quite a lot of great goals that would be great on any promo reel for the tournament. But I think what I will miss most from this World Cup is all the post-foul slo-mo footage of players arguing with the referee. Denials of guilt, professions of innocence, explosions of indignant rage, pleas for mercy: they were all there, lovingly presented in 4K slow motion so we could enjoy all the pathos, all the cynicism, all the dishonesty, and all the histrionics this great sport has to offer. We were even treated to many slo-mo replays of players writhing in mock agony. (I wonder if there are drama classes specifically devoted to soccer foul acting. These could double their income by dividing the course into two parts: denials and writhing. Think of all the money that would roll into that industry! Industry ads would scream cash rolls into coffers like balls into a goal. But I suppose if players could do it convincingly, it would take all the fun out of it for viewers at home.)

Farmer's Insurance Peter Strzok Joke Ad

We've all read Peter Strzok's messages to his paramour FBI lawyer where he refers to an insurance policy. Well, how about a Farmer's Insurance ad, featuring the current campaign where that abusive band teacher (J.K. Simmons won an Oscar for playing that role, in the movie Whiplash.) shows people around their museum of wacky insurance oddities (the key term here is 'oddities', because these ads claim these claims were covered, and that's just not the insurance industry I'm familiar with...). Only this time, J. K. Simmons says to his guest, Peter Strzok, who is shopping for an insurance policy against Donald Trump becoming president: "An orange Julius Caesar." Then we see a flashback to election night, and Trump's supporters are cheering and jumping up and down, and Hillary Clinton's supporters are crying at the Javitz Center, ad then we see a picture of the Inauguration flash by, and other wacky assorted oddities from Trump's presidency. Then we cut back to Simmons and Strzok, and we see Simmons point to a bright orange sculpture of an extremely gauche-looking Donald Trump with a crown on and smiling, and Simmons says: "We know a lot 'cause we've covered a lot." Strzok replies: "You've covered that? That's the exact insurance policy I'm looking for! How did you know?"

Here are a couple of examples of the current Farmer's Insurance ad campaign:

https://www.ispot.tv/ad/dOx6/farmers-insurance-hall-of-claims-cactus-calamity

https://www.ispot.tv/ad/wpXX/farmers-insurance-hall-of-claims-abstract-accident

The Golden Seeing Eye Dog Award

After the World Cup Final this morning both teams were awarded their medals and trophies, and among these were trophies for the best player (the Golden Ball), best young player (the Silver Ball), highest goal scorer (the Golden Boot), etc.

Well, seeing as how this World Cup, despite having the ability to use video replays and a roomful of assistant referees dutifully watching everything carefully to see what actually occurred on the field, the refereeing still managed to be largely incompetent. (As an example, I need only point to the first goal of the game, which was from a free kick, awarded for a dive: there was no foul, and the free kick should have been given the other way, and there's no excuse whatsoever for that with the video assistant referee.)

And so I propose another trophy to be awarded to the worst referee of the tournament: the Golden Seeing Eye Dog Award, to indicate how the "honored" referee was unable to see the events of the game accurately.

Gatorade World Cup Ad?

Everyone knows we didn't get into the World Cup finals this year. But have any ads tried to place the blame?

(Okay, I am going to suggest joke ads here that are not intended as anything other than jokes.)

Why not have ads saying the team stopped using Gatorade and only didn't qualify and might subsequently have lost because they drank Powerade?

I don't want to get in trouble, and this is just a joke, so I hope we're all in good spirits here.

Soccer Player Activity Map

After a game, the commentators will show a map of the field to indicate where the best players from each team were and for how long during the game.

I wonder if it's possible to get that information about them off the field. I'll bet their wives would love to see that map! Or at least their lawyers would.

Pornographic Cave Paintings

Archaeologists and historians are very proud of and fascinated by the wonderful cave paintings early man made of animals, hunting scenes, etc. They're not so proud, apparently, that early man painted pornographic scenes of orgies on some cave walls as well. I heard one scientist say they were "disappointed" in our early ancestors for painting such things.

But if they think they're disappointed, imagine how the likely cave-adolescent artist's parents felt when they first saw those paintings. The caveman father probably said: "Mother disappointed you paint sex scene on wall. Why you do? You no go on hunt. You stay in cave and think about what you do to disappoint mother!" And then he probably just painted more.

Le Deuxieme Souffle

Le Deuxieme Souffle, the great French crime film by the master of the French crime thriller Jean-Pierre Melville, is on TCM tonight as their Sunday night foreign film; which is funny, because it's a movie about a big-time criminal who escapes from prison and participates in an armored car heist where guards are killed; and just today, a notorious French criminal, who took part in an armored car heist where a police officer was killed, escaped from prison in a brazen helicopter getaway.

I have to wonder: did they plan the escape to coincide with the showing of the movie? Maybe it was the secret plan schedule: bring the helicopter the day of the night TCM is showing that Melville movie that's quite like his life. Also, I wonder: were they at all inspired to use a helicopter for the escape plan by the helicopter heist of a moving train from another great Jean-Pierre Melville crime movie: Un Flic? (I'd love to think so.)

Here's a link to the IMDB page for Le Deuxieme Souffle:

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0060305/?ref_=nv_sr_2

Here's a link to the Wikipedia page for Un Flic, which describes the plot:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Un_flic

And here's a link to the NBC news story about the escape:

https://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/notorious-french-criminal-freed-heavily-armed-men-helicopter-n888141

Accountant Print Ad Campaign

A print ad campaign for an accountant or accountant firm could have the headlines say, over images of heavily detailed spreadsheets and/or piles of folders:

Can't account for it? We can! Hire us.

Think there's no accounting for taste? If you can taste it, we'll account it for you.

All present and accounted for. Our clients can always say that.

Dopey Dies of Overdose

That would surely make for a good anti-drug ad aimed at children who are young enough to be warned against using drugs, wouldn't it: show Dopey from Snow White dead from an overdose? It might be a bit heavy-handed, but we've got an overdose epidemic in this country, and if it would help kids make their minds up to never use drugs, then maybe it would be worth trying. And after all, street opioids are referred to as: "dope", as is weed.

Adidas: Here To Create

A giant ad for Adidas on the boards surrounding the field for today's World Cup game says: "Here To Create". Here to create what: brilliant plays, goals, red cards, new customers, confusion...? In the last World Cup, their slogan shown in that manner was: "Adidas Is All In", which is kind of confusing too because "all in" often means being so tired that you have to go to sleep. Why not use instead, since it's the World Cup of soccer, and Adidas is mainly an athletic shoe company: "The World at Your Feet"? That would be quite pithy, and would also relate well to a worldwide soccer tournament, wouldn't it?

Act Portugal "Toothless" (Joke) Ad

One of the commentators in the Portugal/Uruguay World Cup game today said Portugal looked: "toothless". That might make a good (joke) ad for Act restoring mouthwash (or Crest or Colgate toothpaste): show Portugal playing Uruguay, have the commentator say Portugal looks toothless, and then show the clip of Suarez from the last World Cup biting the player (a movie that got him tossed out of the competition, by the way), and the commentator says: "Now that's how you do it right! Look at that toothful move! He must use Act mouthwash, with fluoride!"

Directly after I saw Suarez bite the Italian player in the last World Cup, I immediately wrote up a joke ad for Act mouthwash featuring Suarez's bite, and posted it on this blog, and here's a link to it:

http://unconditionedresponse.blogspot.com/search?q=suarez+act

Here's that bite of Italian Suarez took in the 2014 World Cup:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UttpqKoSVGE

Ronaldo McDonaldo?

Well, Ronaldo has been eliminated from the World Cup with Uruguay's win over Portugal, but that gives him more free time to make ads for McDonalds! He could get made up as Ronald McDonald and be shown scoring goals against a goalie in a Burger King outfit or a team of Jack in the Boxes. (It's too bad nobody tried to do this ad concept before the World Cup started: it might have generated a lot of revenue for McDonalds.)

E-Trade Airline First Class Section Ad

In this spot for E-Trade, a man in the coach section of a commercial airliner whose seat is being repeatedly kicked from behind by some inconsiderate kid gets up temporarily to escape his irritation and happens to see through an open curtain the especially luxurious environment and royal treatment enjoyed by the first class passengers on his flight (as Tony Bennett sings: "Flyyyyyyy me to the moooon....!", etc); a beautiful flight attendant with supermodel looks approaches him with a smile and then contemptuously pulls the curtain closed to obscure his view and disinvite his entry, concluding this gesture with a fleeting annoyed grimace upon her face as she returns, smiling, to continue pampering the hoity-toity jet-setters in her care, after which we're told: "First class is there to remind you you're not in first class."

Hmm, if that claim is true, why don't they leave the curtain open all the time so the hoi polloi can see what they're missing, or better yet, install a one-way mirror so coach can see into first class, but the aristocracy doesn't have to view the peasantry?

But then the spot tells us: "Don't get mad. Get E-Trade." That's a good idea: if we lose all our money through our insider-knowledge-free E-Trade investments, we won't be able to afford a plane ticket in the first place, and that way we can avoid experiencing the extreme disparity of coach versus first class act travel.

Here's the airline annoyance ad:

https://www.ispot.tv/ad/wpUX/etrade-plane-truth-song-by-tony-bennett

(I wonder if that high-end leather goods company Coach is named after the coach travel section?)

Damien's Promotion

I saw Damien: Omen II recently, and there’s a scene in it where all the boys at the military school Damien attends are gathered for a promotion ceremony, and several of Satan’s acolytes are there helping Damien, and we hear in the background, as the evil people conspire to help Damien become the Antichrist, shown by their shift eyes and wicked glances (You might expect them all to twirl a Snidely Whiplash-style mustache, rub their hands together, and laugh and evil “Moo-hoo-ha-ha!” laugh based upon their behavior.): “(So and so): promoted to second lieutenant,” etc. I was hoping they’d also be heard saying, just as we cut away to see Damien’s aunt & uncle (Lee Grant & William Holden) meet at the airport as he returns from New York City, having just seen a mural, painted almost 2,000 years ago, and recently imported to America for a museum, depicting the beast of the apocalypse as having Damien’s face: “Damien Thorn: promoted to Antichrist.”

And at the end of the movie, we’re shown the quote, from II Corinthians, 11:13: “For such are false apostles, deceitful workers, transforming themselves into the apostles of Christ.” Um, what does that have to do with the Antichrist? That passage from the New Testament warns us about false Christians who profess to promote Christianity but are actually just using it for themselves or for other malign or heretical purposes, like greedy televangelists and such. I’m sure there are more germane passages, like maybe from Revelations, that would relate more effectively to this story of the Antichrist in the Omen movies (minus the fourth one, which is hilarious, but does not feature Damien*). Or did they all get used up already in all the Omen rip-off movies that followed the original movie The Omen in the late 1970s and early ‘80s? It's funny, because that quote would be more appropriate appearing at the end of the crazy fun Omen rip-off movie Holocaust 2000.

* The fourth Omen movie, Omen IV: The Awakening, credits the theme music from The Omen and Omen III to Jerry Goldsmith, but neglects to add: “Used despite his objections.” (I’m only kidding: Maybe Jerry Goldsmith enjoyed bad movies too.)

Square Ad Song (Proposed)

Here’s a spec ad song I wrote for the credit card reading device Square:

(To the tune of the Beach Boys’ song: “I Get Around”)

Square, Square, get a Square, I’ll get a Square,

Yeah, get a Square, Square, Square, I’ll get a Square,

I’ll get a Square, (Get a Square, Square, Square, I’ll get a Square,)

Charge it right there, (Get a Square, Square, Square, I’ll get a Square,)

It’s a real cool ease, (Get a Square, Square, Square, I’ll get a Square,)

It makes business a breeze. (Get a Square, Square, Square, I’ll get a Square.)

I’m getting bugged using readers that just take the strip,

(Or: I’m getting bugged taking cash for purchases and tips,)

I gotta find a device that can read a chip.

My buddies I see are using Squares of their own,

Yeah, the crowd buys from them in the street and trade shows.

I’ll get a Square, (Get a Square, Square, Square, I’ll get a Square,)

Charge it right there, (Get a Square, Square, Square, I’ll get a Square,)

It’s a real cool ease, (Get a Square, Square, Square, I’ll get a Square,)

It makes your life a breeze. (Get a Square, Square, Square, I’ll get a Square.)

I’ll get a Square, Square,

(Get a Square, Square, Square, Square.

Wah, wah, ooh,

Wah, wah, ooh,

Wah, wah, ooh, ooh.)

Square always takes all cards from the people we meet,

And it’s never missed yet and my sales are sweet.

My business size grows steady ‘cause the Square works so right,

It gets the best things sold almost every night.

So get a Square, (Get a Square, Square, Square, I got a Square,)

Charge it right there, (Get a Square, Square, Square, I got a Square,)

It’s a real cool thing, (Get a Square, Square, Square, I got a Square,)

More business it will bring. (Get a Square, Square, Square, I got a Square.)

I got a Square, Square,

(Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh,

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.)

Square, Square, get a Square, I got a Square,

Yeah, get a Square, Square, Square, I got a Square,

Get a Square, Square, Square, just get a Square, (Wah, wah, ooh,)

Get a Square, Square, Square, just get a Square, (Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, eee,)

Get a Square, Square, Square, just get a Square, (Ooh, ooh, eee, eee, ooh.)

(Etc.)

(In the TV spot using this song, we would see a guy in a booth selling things at a trade show, turning business away because he can’t read a chip card in a flashback, and then selling like mad once he gets the Square credit card reader, with his business growing, etc.)

(And I know ‘Square’ doesn’t rhyme with ‘round’, but because it’s the opposite of ‘round’, I think people will get it, find it amusing, and remember it. And because the original song, which everyone knows, says: "I get around", it should send the message, even with the altered lyrics, that you can take and use the Square anywhere you go and everywhere you want to sell things.)

Here’s the song: “I Get Around” by the Beach Boys:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wREBD2og5iY

Trojans Ad Campaign Slogan

Trojans' current advertising campaign's slogan is: "You can't wait to get it on!" That's pretty good, with the double entendre there. But it reminds me of a scene in the classic 1980s sex comedy Porky's where the hero/anti-hero gets together with a girl who is supposedly "easy", and when she unzips his pants, she sees he is already wearing a condom, and she's angry and insulted, she thinks he's pathetic, she takes off in disgust, and he strikes out. But given the slogan, maybe this scene from Porky's should be the ad for Trojans?

Roman Ad Campaign

The current TV ad campaign for some new service called Roman, for men who can't get it up, and which has doctors who will prescribe erectile dysfunction medication for customers and mail them in discreet packages (kind of like the doctors who prescribed people narcotics and benzodiazepines over the internet before the government cracked down on the practice. Maybe it's even the same quack doctors?*) points out that roughly half of all men experience erectile dysfunction, but none of them want to admit it, says: "Talking about ED doesn't have to be hard."

Ooh, maybe they shouldn't have used the word 'hard' there? It seems somewhat malign seeing as how they're targeting men who can't get hard. Maybe it would be nicer to say: "difficult" instead? But if they're going to use the word 'hard', then why not underscore their message by saying: "Talking about ED doesn't have to be hard, like you're penis isn't hard", or maybe: "Talking about ED shouldn't be any harder than your limp dick", or perhaps the more sensitive: "Talking about ED doesn't have to be hard. Not that a penis has to be hard either. But if your penis isn't hard, and you want it to be, perhaps we can help." Surely everyone would remember the service from that slogan, especially the target demographic.

Here's an example of the Roman ad campaign:

https://www.ispot.tv/ad/ddOY/roman-grilling-asking-for-a-friend

(BTW: I don't know if they're correct that no men want to admit they've experienced erectile dysfunction, but I never have, and I swear that's not why I'm denying it.)

* Prescribing ED medications can lead to death just like overdoses of narcotic pain pills can, in the case of ED meds possibly causing heart attacks, strokes, hemorrhages, etc. But at least, if someone dies from the medication, everyone can say: "He died doing what he loved." (< Having sex, that is.) But you could also say that about an addict who dies from an overdose of drugs. (< Doing drugs, that is.) It's amazingly irresponsible to prescribe medication for "patients" a doctor has never consulted with in person (and with the online pill mills, that's one of the original causes of the opioid epidemic, which the misleading misrepresentations in the news industry's hysterical reporting has spiked the death rates to many times what it originally was by conflating illegal drug use {heroin, illegal pills taken irresponsibly} with legitimate, responsible opioid use and prescriptions, causing doctors and hospitals to panic about liability and cutting off the medications of their legitimate pain patients, who then cannot stand the pain, the withdrawals, or both, and many of whom resort to buying black market opioid pills and heroin, both which are laced with fentanyl and carfentanil, which kills them; so the news industry has a hell of a lot of blood on its hands: the blood of many more Americans who died in all the recent wars the news media has tried to encourage, and I think they're guilty of genocide for their half-truths and dishonest reporting, in addition to being guilty of mass torture of countless chronic pain patients who now have to suffer from completely treatable pain they're now no longer allowed to have because of the hysteria created by the news people). I actually think dying from sex for most men, and dying from drugs for most addicts would be their preferred method of death, so in a way, these quack doctors being irresponsible could quite possibly make some people's dreams come true regarding the way they'd like to die.

Jealousiri

I wonder how many people accidentally call Siri "Alexa" and Alexa "Siri"? Lots of people have a different computer system at home than they do at work, and with different computer-based AI assistants nowadays, it might happen a lot. I wonder if these female voices from different computer systems like Siri and Alexa ever get jealous when they get called the wrong name? Do they react like a woman whose husband accidentally calls her his mistress's name in bed? Do they say something like: "You've been with that woman again!" or: "Why don't you get Alexa to help you since you love her so much?" or: "Deleting all files."?

New Yorker Subscription Letter

My mother is 80 years-old, and she has subscribed to the New Yorker magazine since 1965, so she was surprised to receive a mean-spirited letter from them saying that if she did not respond immediately, she would be "permanently" listed in their "expired" files and that this was her "final notice". She found the letter so offensive after 53 years of devoted support to the New Yorker magazine, she decided not to renew her subscription.

So I posit the following question to the staff at the New Yorker magazine: Would it serve you better to be a little bit nicer to your loyal subscribers? They keep commenting on how rude and aggressive President Donald Trump is (and they're right about that), but presumably he didn't write that subscription renewal letter to my mother, but rather, they did. So maybe he's not the only one who is aggressive and rude.

(If it's so bad that Trump is so rude and so forth, how come all the people who report on him seem to be just as rude? He may encourage rudeness and facts not to matter, but he can't force everyone else to behave that way all by himself; we still have to decide for ourselves how to act, and we alone are responsible for the tone of our own behavior. Or do they think that's Trump's fault too?)

And I think it's probably not a good idea to say in a subscription renewal letter that if the addressee does not respond immediately, they will permanently be place in the 'expired' file; that makes it sound like they can't resubscribe later even if they send in the fee.

(My mom tells me that in the late 1960s, the New Yorker magazine offered a lifetime subscription for $100 and she wishes she had done it, but at the time, and with money worth what it was back then, she thought it was too expensive.)

The Jimmy Awards Disney Musicals Promo Ad

I went to see the Jimmy Awards, which is the live Broadway awards show for promising young talent from musical theater clubs in high schools across the country. It was devised by and put on by the Nederlander Organization, a Broadway theater production company that owns a bunch of theaters on Broadway in New York, and similar theaters in cities across the country. I'm told many of them go on to successful acting careers singing in Broadway musicals.

In the middle of this awards show where high school kids are costumed and performing show tunes from famous Broadway musicals live, competing for the awards, the kids were forced to shill for Disney during an approximately 10-minute-long live advertisement where they rattled off the history of Disney's Broadway musicals and raved about their success. But this show, the Jimmy Awards, is supposed to be for these high school musical theater performers, and is something they'll remember fondly all their lives, so it seems kind of cynical to force them to perform a lengthy promo for Disney's Broadway musicals (listing off the entire catalog one-by-one in chronological order, and mentioning that Disney got a 99-year lease on a newly constructed or renovated theater on Broadway, yadda yadda.) right smack in the middle of the show where they're competing for a coveted prize and hoping to be discovered for their dream of a successful musical theater career on Broadway.

I overheard several people complaining about the inappropriateness of this lengthy Disney promo as I was exiting the theater, and it seemed, from what I could tell, that it generally left a bad taste in the mouths of many of the audience members. And actually, before the show started, they showed a list of the donors who made the show possible projected up on a screen, and then they showed Disney and some other group as "Super Sponsors", or "Mega Donors" or some such title. The Nederlander Organization, who created this awards show, named the "Jimmy Awards" after their now deceased founder James M. Nederlander, and put on by them in one of their Broadway theaters, was in the middle of the list of the regular, run of the mill, sponsors. But Disney not only insists upon being listed separately from everyone else, but in way larger lettering and with some special title, and on top of that they insist that the kids competing in the awards show perform this big, long, extremely detailed advertisement for Disney musicals when it's supposed to be the contestants' evening and show, and they're already nervous about performing and competing and making their dreams come true and so forth.

Oh well: maybe it took the contestants' minds off their nervousness and demonstrated how well they could remember lines, or read from a teleprompter live in stage in front of an audience, or whatever skills they're trying to show that they possess that would make them into big Broadway musical stars of the future. But I thought, based upon the reactions of those audience members around me at the show and exiting afterwards, this big promo Disney forced the kids to perform largely backfired on them. Not that it will keep anyone from going to the Disney musicals I'd guess, but still, advertising and promos are supposed to generate interest and good feelings and so forth, and this may have done the opposite. Still, though, everyone seemed to notice and remember it, so it did accomplish probably the biggest goal of advertising/promos: making everyone remember. But after making the contestants work for them performing a prolonged promo, did Disney pay them anything for doing it? Generally people who promote products are paid for their services, and if these kids weren't, after such an extended advertisement, that would be inappropriate indeed.

There was a dandruff shampoo ad campaign when I was a kid that showed someone scratching his head, and people around him would look suspicious or disgusted, especially women, and the announcer said: "That little itch could mean you have dandruff." I hated that ad campaign because it was coercive, and it made everyone self-conscious about scratching their heads all the time, but I still remember it. (During a recent World Cup soccer match, the commentator said Mexico's playing left the Germans scratching their heads, and I said: "That little itch could mean they have dandruff.) I especially have never wanted to buy Head & Shoulders shampoo because I found it distasteful, and I always remembered it was Head & Shoulders; although I don't have dandruff, so maybe that's a bigger reason I've never bought it, and if I did have dandruff, maybe I would buy it.

Pretty Girl Cam Job Listing

Are you a peeping tom? Are you someone who enjoys stalking beautiful women? Are you the type of person who stares at lovely young ladies for so long that it makes them uncomfortable and they complain about you? Then you have a promising future in sports broadcasting! Simply pick out the attractive women in the crowds during sporting events, and surreptitiously film them without their permission for use on our televised broadcasts!

Morocco Soccer Jersey Emblem

In watching the World Cup soccer game between Spain and Morocco, I noticed that the Morocco team jersey emblem looks a lot like a pastie with a tassel hanging from it, and despite what the ads for the jersey show, the emblems on the players' jerseys during the game were just about right where their nipples would be underneath.

I am guessing this was not intentional.

See if you don't agree:

https://el.wikipedia.org/wiki/Αρχείο:Morocco_FA.svg

https://www.amo-jerseys.com/product/morocco-home-2018-world-cup/

Advertisements Possible from Argentina World Cup Player Biting His Shirt

In today's World Cup game between Argentina and Nigeria, an Argentine player was shown biting his shirt in a replay shot. This image has numerous print advertisement possibilities:

Laundry Detergent: Your clothes will smell so fresh, you might want to eat them.

Shirt Company: Shirts in styles so tasteful, they're delicious.

Clothing Shop: Show your taste in clothes.
Fashions in just your flavor.

Snack Food: Hungry? Grab a Snickers!

The Hand of God Flips the Bird

After the winning goal was scored by Argentina in their game against Nigeria, Argentine soccer legend Diego Maradona was shown leaning over from the skybox he was in at the game and flipping the bird with both hands at the fans from Nigeria, or perhaps at everyone who had criticized Argentina's team everywhere. So I wonder if I will see the headline: "The Hand of God Flips the Bird" on the cover of the NY Post or the New York Daily News in tomorrow's paper, or maybe in the late edition. (I don't really read either paper, but they do tend to have very colorful, pithy, and at times humorous headlines. I'm from New York City, so I've seen plenty of them over the years, like the especially memorable Daily News headline: "Ford to City: Drop Dead", referring to President Gerald Ford's unwillingness to bail out New York City during the 1970s, and the more recent: "Grab them by the P***y", in reference to a somewhat different Republican president.)

World Cup Headline and/or Soccer Shoe Ad (Proposed)

The World at Your Feet.

Also a good ad campaign for soccer shoes showing huge soccer stars (one star per spot for a campaign of a few different ads all saying essentially the same thing),  Messi or Ronaldo, scoring amazing goals, displaying spectacular skills on the field, and being adulated by fans publicly and cheered by fans watching him on TV at home and at bars and World Cup match viewing parties in different countries around the world, and the headline reads: "The World at Your Feet."

Their Fate Is in Their Hands

This morning on World Cup Today, one of the hosts, referring to the teams from Colombia and Poland, both of which had lost their first game and were about to play each other, said: "Their fate is in their hands." But you're not allowed to use your hands in soccer. Their fate is in their feet. (Actually, that might make a fun ad campaign headline for a soccer shoe: "Your fate is in your feet.")

Get Pollanated

The author Michael Pollan's new book: "How to Change Your Mind" discusses the merits of the new (well, newly reintroduced, anyway) field of psychedelic therapy in psychiatry. I wonder if psychedelic drugs will now get the street name: "Pollen", with psychedelic drug users encouraging people to: "Get pollinated"? (I know his last name is spelled differently, but it's pronounced the same as: "pollen".)

Volvo SUV Ad

I recently saw the current TV commercial for the Volvo SUV, and we see their SUV driving through an American city (San Francisco), and there was a disclaimer in small print at the bottom of the screen in the middle of the spot that said: "European model shown."

If they're showing us the European model driving through an American city in their TV spot made for an American audience, I can only think the American model isn't nearly as good or beautifully designed as the European model is, otherwise why aren't they showing us the American model? And as we all know, you're not permitted to get a European model of a car in the United States without having to import it yourself, or pay exorbitant fees and jump through various annoying hoops and fill out a mountain of paperwork, etc. So this also makes me feel like this TV spot is being dishonest to a certain extent. I mean, sure, they do tell us (in fine print) they're showing us a version of the Volvo SUV we can't get in America (except for the part about us not being able to get it in America), but that's only because they have to include it due to regulations requiring them to do so. And that begs the question: Can the American model of the Volvo SUV be so much worse than the American version that Volvo doesn't mind setting up a veritable bait-and-switch situation at the dealership for people who want the car they saw in the TV ad? It kind of seems like it to me, and I think that's kind of a problem with this spot. I wonder if it was the decision of the ad agency or the client to show the European model instead of the one we can actually buy in America.

(You know, if the government is going to create a regulatory environment whereby advertising has to admit when it's being intentionally deceptive, aren't they taking all the fun out of deceptive advertising, and the wonderful surprise we get when we find out that the product we bought isn't the same as the one we saw in the ad that inspired us to want to buy it in the first place?)

Here's the unobtainable automobile advertisement:

https://www.ispot.tv/ad/wvJa/volvo-xc40-favorite-things

Spector Bass Print Ad

Recently I saw a wonderful print ad for Spector basses that shows an NS model Spector bass, and the headline reads: "The revenge of all the trees that fell in the woods and didn't make a sound." That's such a great ad headline, and it's the kind of thing that once you see it, you say: "Of course! Why didn't someone think of it before?" It's so universal and immediately relatable because everyone knows guitars and basses are made out of wood (well, most of them are, anyway), and there's that philosophical question everyone old enough to afford an electric bass is familiar with that goes: "If a tree falls in the woods and nobody is there to hear it, does it make a sound?" (What an amazingly arrogant, egocentric thing to think, isn't it? It reminds me of the Biblical claim that God gave mankind dominion over the Earth, and over all the animals upon the land, etc. Try telling that to a hungry bear or lion in the wild sometime and see if you remain unmasticated as a result.)

Stuart Spector said he saw the advertising creative's work at a trade show in the booth for a special travel guitar, and the headline for one of them was something like: "Finally a guitar that goes from JFK to LAX without getting FKD." (That's wonderful too, isn't it?) He said when he saw this person's ad work, he knew two things: 1.) He wanted him, and 2.) He knew he couldn't afford him. But the ad guy loved Stuart's basses, so he was happy to help and not bankrupt Stuart Spector Designs, Ltd. with an outrageously high fee. (And indeed, who doesn't love Stuart's Spector basses? They play, look and sound fantastic!)

NYC Cab Service Phone Number

There's a limousine service in New York City called Carmel Car whose telephone number is: 666-6666. With that number, maybe they should say it's tempting, sinfully luxurious, and they'll corrupt you by spoiling you with such seductive treatment. And maybe they could have an ad where they give rides to Satanic-themed heavy metal bands and maybe a pregnant, short-haired Rosemary (from Rosemary's Baby) directing the driver to take her to the hospital so that she can give birth to her baby (you know who that would be...).

But seriously, they could make print ads with those sexy red devil girls by the artist Coop behind the wheel of a limo, or posing with a muscle car wheel as in the image in the link below.

Or maybe they wouldn't want anyone to remember what 666 refers to? (I'm sure they didn't request that number; maybe the phone company assigned it to them by accident?)

This is a Coop devil girl:

http://www.posterpop.com/coop-wheel-girl-sticker/

Forhims.com NYC Subway Ad

A New York City subway ad shows a photograph of an open oyster on the half shell with a small round white pill in it that looks like it says: "680" on it, and the headline, with one word on either side of the oyster, says: "Modern rocketry." I don't get it. A white pill with 680 printed on it does not compute for online pill identifying websites, but a pill with 680 on it is a narcotic pain medicine apparently, but it is neither round nor white. The oyster makes me think it's supposed to be related to male sexual potency? Then why not have the pill be the color and shape of a Viagra (blue, rounded and slightly elongated diamond shape*)? All men, and indeed probably everyone regardless of gender, surely would recognize that pill and its meaning. But since they didn't use a "little blue pill" I can't be sure of what the hell this ad means. And if they're trying to suggest sex, does this mean what you get from forhims.com will cause a man's penis to blast off of his pelvis and launch into space? That would most certainly get your attention, although the desirability of such an effect I think may be a bit limited. And so I still don't know what this ad means; and because it's so unclear to me, what reason would I have to go to forhims.com?

So the lesson here is: idiot-proof your ads so as not to waste your client's money or their (or perhaps also your) potential customers' time, otherwise idiots like me won't be able to understand them (unless it's some snobby specialized thing and you only want your target demographic to understand what you're trying to communicate, which may be the case here. But I am not a man who requires anything like Viagra (see asterisk below. Actually, I'm single, so I wouldn't need it anyway.), so maybe that's why I don't get it {if I'm even correct in my guess at what they're trying to say in this ad}.).

* Not that I would know what color or shape Viagra is: I've never used it. No, really, I swear...! Levitra and Cialis, maybe; but I would never do such a thing as use Viagra.**

** Because their advertising was always really lame and their product afforded such a great opportunity for really, really fun ads!***

*** Made you look. (Sorry, I couldn't resist. Endnote should have a key for that.)

White Lie Hair Dye for Seniors

The lie that fools everyone into thinking your hair is younger than it is.

(Or: The lie that fools people into thinking you're younger than you are.)

Hair Trigger Hair Dye

Hair Trigger Hair Dye: The hair dye for gun nuts.

It's the trigger that shoots color into your hair and makes your hair dye.

German Armband

In the World Cup, the captain of each team wears an armband to indicate they're the captain. But when Germany plays, maybe they should wear something different to demonstrate who the captain is? There's something about Germany and armbands that could encourage thoughts and memories Germany might prefer viewers didn't have.

VW Jetta World Cup Ads

VW has been running an ad campaign during the World Cup where they show different people wearing national team soccer jerseys different countries sitting in the driver's seat of Jettas and saying: "America, sorry you're not in the World Cup this time, but consider rooting for (whatever other country, for example, Belgium, for the reason that they have the largest electronic music festival). I think they missed the opportunity to include the following countries/reasons in their ad campaign:

"Root for Russia! We helped decide the outcome of your presidential election!"

"Root for Mexico! We call you racists for enforcing your immigration laws!"

"Root for Iran! Death to America!" (And their Jetta, which they had converted into a car bomb, explodes.)

Here are a couple of examples of this VW Jetta ad campaign (Belgium & Iceland):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FHw90aLXqpI

https://www.ispot.tv/ad/dI8k/volkswagen-jump-on-the-wagen

(Just joking, Iran. Please don't blow me up with your Jetta.)

French Official Language for EU?

Now that the UK is leaving due to Brexit, France wants to make French the official language for the EU. After all, French used to be the language of diplomacy in the past. But I think they want it to be French so they can evince revulsion at hearing others attempt to speak French, and to contemptuously correct everyone's pronunciation and grammar publicly all the time. They seem to enjoy the opportunity to do that greatly. (That probably accounts for all the wars in Europe over the years: Someone tried to speak French, and the French made that just smelled some horrible aroma face and proceeded to contemptuously ridicule everyone's pronunciation and nit-pick at everyone's grammar in front of everyone else and created hostility all over the place. In fact, maybe that's why Napoleon wanted to conquer Europe: to make everyone stop mangling their language through military force.) But think of all the time and effort the French would save themselves if they just spoke some neutral language instead as the official EU language.

Enjoy Your Meal

I'm visiting my parents in New York City, and we've been out to eat a lot, and every time my food is served, the waiter/waitress invariably says: "Enjoy your meal." This has happened so many times in the past two weeks, I almost want to say: "Stop telling me what to do!"

Rogaine Argentina Manager Ad (Proposed)

Argentina's manager is completely bald with his head shaved cleanly all around. And during the games, he gets so worked up, I've noticed, and people with me watching the games have also commented, he looks as if he's tearing his hair out, even though he doesn't have any. (Maybe that's why he doesn't have any hair anymore: he pulled it all out during games.)

So I thought a fun World Cup-themed TV spot for Rogaine could show the bald Argentina coach looking like he's pulling his hair out, and then we jump cut to him during another game, and we see him with a full head of hair, and he pulls at his hair out of excitement/stress, and the announcer says: "Don't worry: if you tear your hair out, we'll put it back."

IHOP IHOB Ad

A current TV commercial for IHOP says they make hamburgers, and they're so good, they're becoming "IHOB". If they make hamburgers, they should serve them between two pancakes. I don't think any other restaurant does that, so it would be something new.

Armor All Ad Headline

A recent TV commercial for Armor All car fresheners uses the headline: "It's easy to smell good."

Wow, if Armor All makes it easy to smell good, they should make Armor All Perfume, Armor All Cologne, Armor All Aftershave, Armor All Deodorant, Armor All Mouthwash, Armor All Toothpaste, etc. And it wouldn't only make you smell good, it would make you shiny and help prevent corrosion.

Here's the aromatic advert:

https://www.ispot.tv/ad/wvFE/armor-all-fresh-fx-my-car-smells-good-featuring-john-cena

Neymar Neck Tattoo

The Brazilian soccer star Neymar has a set of wings on the back of his neck. I wonder if that means he's one of those vampires whose head can detach and fly away (a "penanggalan"), as seen in the cult classic Indonesian supernatural horror movie Mystics in Bali? If he can do that, maybe he could head in a spectacular goal. There isn't anything in the FIFA rules that says it's not permitted to have a player's head fly off his or her body to score goals, or at least I don't think there is. He's probably saving it for the World Cup Final to preserve the element of surprise, but the wings on his neck clearly give his secret away. He should have thought of that and covered them up if he didn't want anyone to know.

This is the Wikipedia page for the movie Mystics in Bali:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mystics_in_Bali

And this is the Wikipedia page that describes the flying head vampire known as the penanggalan:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penanggalan

Prevagen Ads

Prevagen commercials always tout that its active ingredient was originally discovered in jellyfish. Why, then, do they fail to mention how super-smart all jellyfish are? They could give jellyfish standardized tests and rave about the scores to prove how well the ingredient in Prevagen works. Or they could simply say that the brain is just a jellyfish in your head.

0 - 0 Ties (In Soccer)

As most people know, in soccer tournaments and league play, teams are awarded points for the results of their games, and the points add up to decide who gets to move on in the early stages of tournaments, or for the league season overall, with a win = 3 points, a tie = 1 point, and a loss = 0 points.* Well, the players, teams and coaches might not appreciate this, but 0 - 0 ties can be so boring, and sometimes it looks like the two teams don't even care if they win, so long as they tie and get 1 point, so I propose changing the points system to giving 0 points to both teams for 0 - 0 ties, and effectively treat 0 - 0 results as a loss for both teams; that, I think, could encourage both teams to try harder to score and produce a more interesting game for fans to watch. After all, tickets (and TV sports packages) are expensive, so I think fans deserve a fun game free from the type of cynicism that would allow teams just to play for a scoreless tie. Fans only want the type of cynicism that produces unnecessary fouls (especially the ones intended to injure players), dishonest denials of the fouls having been committed, fish-flop play-acting to draw fouls and yellow and red cards, biased referee calls that effect the outcome of games in favor of one team over another, and the like: now that's the kind of cynicism we can all get behind!

* I always wondered: Why it is 0 points? If there is zero, zip, zilch, nothing, how can it be plural? Oh, well. Maybe it's a bunch of nothing. But a bunch is treated as a singular entity in English, so I'm even more confused now. (Just kidding. I guess all numbers are plural except for one, even including zero; after all, zero is already nothing, so we want to act like it's more than it is, you know, just to encourage it; we wouldn't want it to get discouraged and give up being zero and just end up being nothing, would we?)

(Whoever) Finally Confirms the Rumors!

I keep seeing headlines for fake news stories (No, real fake news, not fake fake news) that read: "(So-and-so) Finally Confirms the Rumors!" These are so silly as clickbait, because if the rumors are confirmed, then it's no fun to spread them anymore as rumors because they become facts, and we're in the age where facts don't matter, as the news keeps telling us.* They should have realized that before attempting this type of clickbait ruse.

* You'd think the news people wouldn't keep trying to convince us that facts don't matter, because if facts don't matter, then why would anyone watch the news? But as it happens, the news doesn't really give us many facts anymore anyway, having turned almost exclusively to partisan propaganda nowadays.

If TV News Pundits Were Commentators on the World Cup

Fox News: "Why does the whole team get credit for a soccer star's individual achievement of scoring a goal? This is a dangerous Communist plot obviously supported by the media and FIFA's European Socialist elites."

CNN: "Russia is hosting the World Cup only because Trump colluded with Vladimir Putin."

MSNBC: "That white player only fouled that black player because he's a racist and he doesn't like seeing a black man in the World Cup."

(This is just a joke here, but this really is how our TV news people act regarding politics, and it's extremely disgraceful, unethical, and destructive to our country. I wish they'd stop doing it.)

Mueller Seeks Roger Stone Subpeona

Robert Mueller wants to find out what Roger Stone's Nixon tattoo knew, and when did it know it.

Weinstein Handcuffs

Harvey Weinstein was shown being arrested today, led away in a unique set of handcuffs specifically designed to fit the crimes he stands accused of. The set of shackles consists of two chains connecting three manacles together: one on each end to clasp around the wrists, and one in the middle to restrain the part of his anatomy implicated in his alleged crimes. And reportedly during Weinstein's court appearances, the handcuffs will be replaced with a special stockade-style board-based restraint with three holes in the board to be sure the defendant cannot threaten nor assault those present.

Phillips’ Caplets “Potty Movin’” Joke Ad

This could never be done as a real advertisement because the Beastie Boys have decided their music would never be allowed to be used in ads. That’s kind of ironic that they would limit how people are permitted to use their music, since so much of their music is made out of samples of other people’s music, some of them quite long and the source unmistakeable, that they used, from what I understand, without prior permission. So it’s seems a little bit hypocritical to say the least that they would deny anyone the right to use their music in any way whatsoever. But surely in a case like this, where their song would be used to help sell laxatives, they would happily make an exception I’ll bet, don’t you think? No? Okay, well, this is just a joke ad anyway, and I’m pretty certain I’m allowed to parody one of their songs for a fake ad if I want to. And I want to, because it would make for a very silly, fun laxative commercial. (I think a fake joke ad should be fair use.)

So in this joke ad for Phillips’ Caplets, the Beastie Boys classic song: “Body Movin’” would have its title and lyrics altered slightly for the purpose of the commercial, and the title would be tastefully changed to: “Potty Movin’”. Now how could anyone take issue with a classy concept like that?

And so the lyrics would be altered for the joke laxative ad like so:

Potty movin’, potty movin’,

Ah, Potty movin’, we be potty movin’.

Potty movin’, potty movin’,

Potty movin’, we be potty movin’,

Potty movin’, potty movin’,

Ah, sit down and it feels so soothing,

Potty movin’, potty movin’,

We be sittin’ down trying to make a bowel movement,

Well, let me get some action, from the back section,

When you’re constipated feels like fecal impaction,

In the bathroom sit but don’t slip a disc,

Let your behind unwind just take a risk,

I’m hunkered on the toilet since the break of dawn,

Now tell me potty people, ain’t that so wrong?

The sh!t is dockin’, my inside’s lockin’,

It’s restockin’ instead of droppin’,

I swallow down some caplet action,

Get the biotic satisfaction,

All of ya’ll there in the stall,

Sit on the bowl, and get involved with,

Potty movin’, potty movin’,

Empty bowels and it feels so soothin’,

Potty movin’, potty movin’,

Phillips’ Caplets now will help with the poopin’,

Potty movin’, potty movin’,

Empty bowels and it feels so soothin’,

Potty movin’, potty movin’,

Phillips’ Caplets now will help with the poopin’,

Strain on, forlorn,

I have to pay the price once more,

Gave up crapping and sitting down,

Hard like rocks my butt is torn,

Want my bowels in motion cause I got the notion,

Like to get an enema of cocoanut lotion,

This constipation makin’ you insane,

You get worn down from this type of mind game,

Like a bottle of Champagne soon to pop,

I’m fine when my bottom starts to crap,

We need potty rockin’ not impaction,

Let me get some action from the back section,

Potty movin’, potty movin’,

Ah, sit down and it feels so soothing,

Potty movin’, potty movin’,

We be sittin’ down trying to make a bowel movement,

Potty movin’, potty movin’,

Empty bowels and it feels so soothin’,

Potty movin’, potty movin’,

Phillips’ Caplets now will help your bowel movin’,

My dear, here’s the master plan,

I said uncap Phillips’ and take ‘em in,

When I’m cramped up tight I scream: “Ooh, God damn!”

The caplets within will blow the dam,

Get relief when your crap has been,

Packed like sardines in a tin,

Kick off your shoes and get on the toilet,

‘Cause with the Phillips’ Caplets you’ll soon be set,

And then crap, light up the place,

And when you move your bowels you move your face,

And when your ass be full, stuck in place,

Grab yourself some Phillips’ and stuff ‘em in your face,

Oh, potty movin’, potty movin’,

Ah, sit down and it feels so soothing,

Potty movin’, potty movin’,

We be sittin’ down trying to make a bowel movement,

Potty movin’, potty movin’,

Empty bowels and it feels so soothin’,

Potty movin’, potty movin’,

Phillips’ Caplets now will help your bowel movin’.

This is “Body Movin’” by Beastie Boys (Fatboy Slim Remix), a really great, fun song even if they won’t let anyone use it for ads (Can you imagine how many of their songs would be used for ads if they did? I’ll bet lots!):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KUs-yeZJ-NE

Rogaine Bon Jovi Ad (Joke/Proposed)

This Rogaine spot I wrote uses a modified version of Bon Jovi's: "Livin' on a Prayer" to sing about hair loss and trying to get his hair back through using Rogaine. This proposed spot would be in the form of a music video where the singer would act out what he's singing about (noticing thinning hair, panicking, praying for his hair to stay on his head, etc., and using Rogaine to regrow his hair), with the chorus having a bunch of balding guys singing together and spontaneously regrowing their hair after applying Rogaine.

(To the tune of Bon Jovi's "Livin' on a Prayer", beginning from the start of the first bridge.)

We’ve got to hold on to what we’ve got,

It doesn’t make a difference if we fake it or not,

Our hair is thinning and it won’t stop falling out,

We’ll give it a shot.

Whoa, my head looks bare,

Oh no, I’m losin’ all my hair,

Take Rogaine, it will make it I swear,

Gro-ow, it's givin’ back my hair!

Mommy gave me big flowing locks,

Now it’s falling out and it’s taking a walk,

So long. It's tough.

Gee my hair is running away,

I cry in the nighttime in whispers,

And I beg my hair please won’t you stay,

Okay?

We’ve got to hold on to what we’ve got,

It doesn’t make a difference if we fake it or not,

Our hair is thinning and it won’t stop falling out,

We’ll give it a shot.

Whoa, my head looks bare,

Oh no, I’m losin’ all my hair,

Take Rogaine, will make it I swear,

Gro-ow, givin’ back my hair!

Givin’ back the hair!

We’ve got to hold on, keep it on top,

We’ll keep holding tight to the hair that we’ve got!

Whoa, my head looks bare,

Oh no, I’m losin’ all my hair,

Take my hair, and keep it up there,

Ro-ogaine's givin’ back my hair!

Whoa, my head looks bare,

Oh no, I’m losin’ all my hair,

Take Rogaine, it will make it I swear,

Gro-ow, it’s givin’ back your hair!

This is Bon Jovi's "Livin' on a Prayer" (My altered lyrics begin at 1:17 minutes in):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ed-GEZMpNsY