Good Will Hunting 2

I have to admit, I hate the movie Good Will Hunting. It’s well made and acted and everything, and I’m sure it was well-intended, but I can’t stand it because when you think about it, the obvious message of the movie is that if you have some great intellectual gift, you should totally squander it so that you can hang out drinking in bars and then chase some girl across the country that will probably dump you within a week because you don’t have any money or a job. And with that in mind, naturally I’d love to write a bad sequel to it. But this time, rather than inverting and ruining all the Hollywood ending stuff I usually do with my joke sequels, I only seek to show what would likely really happen in part two of this story.

So we open where we left off in Good Will Hunting: Matt Damon’s character has thrown away his opportunity to make something of his life by not making use of his genius, and he decides to follow what’s-her-name to California, spending his life savings to get there. Oh, but once he arrives and finds her, she dumps him because he’s broke and unemployed, and she has met someone else who has rich parents; so he tries to get some genius stuff going at UC Berkeley to win her back (or to undo his mistake from Good Will Hunting), only the professors there, once they hear his New England accent, don’t believe he’s smart and throw him out. And so he becomes a lonely alcoholic homeless failure, bumming change on the street, always regretting missing his chance from the first movie when he might have really done something important with his life and actually contributed something special and rare to society. The End.

I know it’s brutal and depressing, but it would at least send a (sort of) positive message the first movie doesn’t bother to try sending: don’t blow it! If you have a gift, use it; don’t waste it, as you might always regret it. There are a lot of fish in the sea, and you’ll more likely find a good one if you are successful than if you aren’t.

(There’s a book called The Golden Turkey Awards, which is about the worst movies of all time, as of 1980; and in it, there’s a capsule review of Grease, the fun 1950s-themed musical with John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John, which says that (I am paraphrasing, as I don’t have the book with me at the moment, sorry) it’s the musical that teaches: “it’s better to be a slut than a wholesome girl.” Or at least, that it's better for a girl to bow to peer pressure to become something she's not to please a guy than for her to be herself. And you know, I never thought about it like that, and nobody I knew ever seemed to get that message out of it, but when you really think about it, that actually is the moral of the story, isn’t it? And that’s really not such a great message, is it? And I think this is what happened with Good Will Hunting: people liked the sort of feel-good seeming story, and so they missed what was a way more powerful message, which is that maybe it’s nice to “find yourself” and such, but people really don’t get unlimited opportunities in life, so perhaps you shouldn’t throw the great ones away on a whim, because another one may never come again.)

“The Martian” Poster Slogan

I keep seeing a picture of Matt Damon’s face in a space suit to advertise the movie The Martian, and the caption says: “Bring Him Home.”

But wait a minute, apart from the obvious Interstellar reference, where he’d definitely deserve to be left alone to die on whatever barren planet for what he did in that movie, there’s another really big issue this raises: we can strand annoying actors on faraway planets now?* Wow, why would we ever want to bring them back? And who’s next?

I think the ad campaign for this movie should not be suggesting we bring Matt Damon back, but rather, that if enough people go see the movie, maybe we can afford to send Ben Affleck to Saturn, or Gwyneth Paltrow to Uranus, you know, just to get rid of them. Not that I’m judging or anything. But seriously, with the promise of that eventuality, wouldn’t you go see this movie again and again and again? I mean, we all know there’s no truth in advertising anyway, but at least we can hope, right? Even if it never happens, at least we did our part to try to make it so, and we can tell our grandchildren that we did our best to get rid of them before they could make more movies.

(BTW: I don’t hate Matt Damon, et. al.; and I’m not trying to be a mean tweets kind of guy. I just wanted to make a joke about reversing the advertising campaign I’ve seen for The Martian so far. It’s just a joke.)

* Wow, we really need to fund NASA again! Maybe this is their ploy to get new funding?

Here's the poster I am referring to:

http://www.joblo.com/movie-posters/the-martian-2015

Wait Until Dark (1967)

I love Wait Until Dark, the thriller starring Audrey Hepburn about murderous drug dealers trying to recover a heroin-filled doll, because when I was a child, all we had to play with were heroin-filled dolls. There were no Barbies or GI Joes back then, only heroin-filled dolls. And whenever we played with them, Alan Arkin always showed up and tried to kill us, but that was part of the fun. Once we got other dolls, Alan Arkin never tried to kill us anymore, and it was lame. And maybe I’m wrong, but I think the social critics who say Barbie is sexist, or GI Joe is a meathead, are just mad that their dolls aren’t full of heroin anymore, so now they have to go buy it somewhere else.

(This is obviously intended to be facetious.)

There Is No Butter In Hell! (Cold Comfort Farm Brand Butter)

People who love Cold Comfort Farm surely all remember and love its most memorable quote, where the firebrand fire and brimstone preacher says to the church congregation: “There is no butter in hell!” (BTW: I happen to know on good authority that there is only margarine in hell.)

So shouldn’t there be a brand of butter called: “Cold Comfort Farm Butter”? The slogan could be: “There is no butter in hell. So enjoy it while you can.”

Mad Max BF Goodrich Ad?

I just saw Mad Max again (the original one, with Mel Gibson, when he only pretended to be mad), and at the end, there is a credit for BF Goodrich. So they obviously took part in the making of Mad Max. And if they’re going to do that, then how did they not do any tie-in ads?

The ads could have shown scenes of Max getting revenge, and then said: “If you want to kill people with your car, depend on BF Goodrich tires!” And then, since their ads from that time had to do with saying they weren’t the guys with the blimp, maybe they could have added: “And we don’t have a blimp, but if you want to kill people with one, maybe we’ll get one.”

Oh, and they could show scenes of the bikers skidding and wiping out and being killed and such, and said: “They didn’t have BF Goodrich tires! And this is what always happens to everyone who does not use BF Goodrich Tires!”

Nutella Attack Joke Ad

A 24-year-old man was arrested and charged with elder abuse when he hoarded all the samples of Nutella in a Burbank, California Costco and punched an elderly man repeatedly in the face when challenged, hospitalizing the man.

We all know there are tons of ads, especially about food, where people go to extreme and exaggerated lengths to get the product away from other people (usually so they can eat it). Well, isn’t this a great opportunity for Nutella to join in on this advertising trend? It’s actually an indisputable real-life occurrence of someone acting like they do in those silly no-holds-barred competitive food ads I’m referring to!

All they’d have to do is show some people in a grocery store aisle where there is a sample tray of Nutella, and one young man tries it, and after tasting it, he goes crazy, attacking everyone who wants to try it, and pouring all the samples into his upturned t-shirt bottom and running away, leaving an aisle full of carnage in his wake. Then the announcer could say: “Nutella: Once you taste it, you’ll go ‘Nuts-ella’!” (Or: “You’ll go ‘Hella Nuts’ for Nutella!”)

It could be the “Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs” of hazelnut spread slogans!

If they don’t use this in an ad, they’re hazel-nuts! (Just kidding. They don’t have to make the ad; there’s the news story to say it for them.)

Or, wait; how about this: Nutzilla! One taste of Nutella will turn you into “Nutzilla” (a hazelnut version of Godzilla), and you’ll destroy anyone who tries to take it away from you, even if you have to destroy entire cities! (No? Too extreme? Well, apparently it’s not as extreme as the pleasurably delicious flavor of Nutella!)

http://www.cbsnews.com/news/burbank-california-costco-nutella-waffle-samples-attack-elderly-sahak-sahakian/

Selfie Slaughter (The Horror Movie)

A recent news story on many sites across the internet informs us that selfies have killed more people than sharks this year. Well, sharks are going to have to seriously up their game if they want anyone to be scared by Jaws movies (and their plethora of copycats) anymore. But you know what else this means: the next “dead teenager” horror movie must be Selfie Slaughter!

Yes, hold onto your selfie sticks, it’s Selfie Slaughter! You can try to beat death away with it, but it just won’t work, because in Selfie Slaughter, a cursed selfie stick (owned by someone who died from taking a selfie who sold their soul to the devil for revenge just at the moment of death) is bought at a rummage sale and used by someone who dies taking a selfie. And then it’s picked up by someone at the scene of the death who then uses it and dies, etc., and the curse continues. And it turns out that the selfie stick has the power to make people feel like they’re in a safe space that’s really cool for a selfie, when in actuality they’re really in the path of a moving train, in a lion enclosure at the zoo, lying down in the middle of a busy freeway, jumping up in front of targets at a gun range, etc. And it also has the power to charm everyone who sees it into taking it and wanting to take selfies with it.

It’s the most terrifying thing teenagers have had to face since the last silly horror movie thing that threatened their lives, it’s Selfie Slaughter, coming soon to a theater near you!

Who knows: maybe it’s already happening…!

Here’s the super scary selfie story:

http://mashable.com/2015/09/21/selfie-deaths/#r8eY77bR8kqj

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/world/people-died-selfies-shark-attacks-year-article-1.2371747

Light Bulb Ad Slogan

There are lots of ugly light bulbs nowadays, especially those compact fluorescents that are full of poison and emit a hideous glow of icky light. But there are also some really nice new light bulb types, and that’s a big deal now that the warm incandescent bulbs have become veritable contraband in some places. And so, to help steer people to the right kind of alternative light bulbs, the ones with nice light (like LEDs), it might be a good thing to have an appropriate ad concept, like: “Have an ‘on-again off-again’ love affair, with the warm light of (whatever brand of) light bulbs.”

Organ Donation Organ Man PSA (Proposed)

We see what looks like an ad for a superhero movie called Organ Man, about a superhero named: “Organ Man” whose super power is to be able to spontaneously grow an extra, detachable one of whatever organ is needed for transplant in people who need a replacement organ, and in whatever blood type, etc., is necessary for the patient. Then, at the end of the fictitious movie ad, the announcer chimes in, saying: “Sadly, there is no such person as Organ Man. But there are many people in desperate need of organs for transplant, so please be a superhero for them by signing up to be an organ donor.”

Rice “Ricist” Ad (Joke/Proposed)

Two people are eating at a health food restaurant, and one says to the other that the only kind of rice on the menu is brown rice, and they think they only really like white rice. Then their friend says: “Oh, you only like white rice? That’s ricist. The brown rice is really good; you should try it. Don’t be so closed-minded.” Then the announcer chimes in, saying: “Don’t be a ricist! Try (whatever brand of) brown rice. It’s delicious, and it’s better for you than white rice.”

DirecTV Movie Ratings Icons

DirecTV usually has their own star-based rating system, but they also include the percentage ratings from two movie websites: Rotten Tomatoes, and Flixster. The Rotten Tomatoes icon is a tomato, and the Flixster icon is a container of popcorn. Every time I see this, it looks to me as if it means the tomato icon refers to what health food people think of the movie, and the popcorn refers to what junk food people think of the movie.

The Charity Champs

Yes, it’s the Charity Champs, superheroes of charity! The group is made up of Ben Evolence, Al Truism, and Phil Anthropy. They want to make life better for the underprivileged through charitable foundations whose mission is to help those in need.

But it’s not going to be so easy for them, for their every move is hindered by the Sin Syndicate, a greedy group of do-badders intent on stopping at nothing to prevent help for those in need. The Sin Syndicate is led by Mel Evolence (Ben’s evil twin!), and includes the malicious members Ann R. Key, Anna Mosity, Sal Fish, Anne Athema, Vin Dictive and Jenna Cide.

Who will win in this battle of wills? Will the needy get the help they need, or will all the charitable contributions get plundered by the Sin Syndicate? Tune in to find out!