Saturday, September 19, 2015

Interstellar 2

Interstellar 2, the bad sequel to Interstellar, would open where Interstellar left off, with us seeing Anne Hathaway (Brand) setting up the colony of test tube babies on the new planet, and with Matthew McConaughey (Cooper) being told by his now old and dying daughter (Murph) to go join her. Then we follow Cooper’s journey to reunite with Brand. But when he arrives, after much peril and so forth (Maybe he has to fight Star Wars storm troopers or Battlestar Galactica Cylons or something, or he runs into Kier Dullea from 2001 and they hang out or whatever.), it turns out that Brand has already grown old and died, and the whole colony failed because of some technical glitch (Maybe Michael Caine never believed in Plan B either, so he never bothered to make it feasible either.), and Cooper doesn’t have the fuel to go back through the wormhole to the Cooper space station near Saturn, so he’s marooned on this planet all by himself to die alone. Then we cut back to Murph in bed at the space station as an old lady on her deathbed, and she says: “Ha ha ha! You left us all to die, so now I left you to die! Payback’s a bitch, and so am I!” (<When Cooper left, he never knew it would all work out in the end, so Murph was right all along. After all, Cooper was told he might never return, right?)

Oh, and Matt Damon's character (Dr. Mann) is still alive: he was not killed, but rather, simply blown through the wormhole. But due to the time shift nonsense, he got through after Cooper went back through again to go visit the now dead Brand. But, being the crazy selfish jerk he is, Dr. Mann, once rescued by the Cooper Space Station rescue squad, proceeds to kill everyone onboard and destruct the space station, and then goes traipsing off to destroy all the other space stations until mankind is extinct so that nobody will ever know what a cowardly traitor to humanity he is. (You know, Matt Damon has never been the same ever since Ben Affleck cut his wings off in Dogma: right after that, he became The Talented Mr. Ripley, murdering everyone and stealing identities and inheritances, and then after that, he went to Treadstone to learn to be an international assassin, and after killing tons of people, he pretended to lose his memory so he could then kill all the Treadstone people so they couldn't ever tell anyone about what a murderer he is. And now he's trying to make humanity extinct. {You know, the same thing happened to Maleficent: she was a happy-go-lucky wood sprite, or whatever she was, until that jerky guy cut off her wings; then she become a: "Moo hoo ha ha!" Disney villain, you know, until she got her wings back at the end of Maleficent. Well, clearly someone's got to do the same for Matt Damon: once he gets his wings back, maybe he can play heroes again.})