Miracle Gro “A Monster Calls” Ad (Proposed)

In the children’s book and movie A Monster Calls, the titular monster is a Yew Tree in a human shape. And I would propose an ad for Miracle Gro that suggests that to grow such a monster, use Miracle Gro. Or, more precisely, we could see the mother of the sick kid in the story using Miracle Gro on a Yew Tree, and it becomes the monster that befriends her son. And the announcer could say: “For miracles like this, use Miracle Gro.”

(BTW: This is another riff on my spec Miracle Gro Guardians of the Galaxy Groot ad from 2014.)

Here is my Miracle Gro Guardians of the Galaxy Groot ad from 2014:

http://unconditionedresponse.blogspot.com/2014/12/miracle-gro-guardians-of-galaxy-ad.html

We Three Kings Anti-E-Cigarettes Christmas PSA (Joke/Proposed)

People my age all ought to remember the Christmas song joke:

We three kings from orient are,

Lighting up our big cigar,

It was loaded, it exploded,

(I can’t remember the last line.)

So for this proposed Christmas ad against e-cigarettes, which are known to explode in people’s faces routinely at this point, we hear people sing:

“We three kings of orient are,

Turning on our e-cigarette,

It was loaded, it exploded…

“Hey, wait! That was supposed to be about a joke shop cigar! But e-cigs explode way more often than any joke shop cigar ever did, so protect yourself and don’t use them!”

(BTW: This was inspired by yet another news story tonight of another guy hospitalized when his e-cigarette exploded on him.)

Light Saber Knock Offs

I hear Disney is now suing people who are doing Star-Warsian things like Light Saber schools, leading some to call light sabers glow swords. So here's a list of possible light saber knock off names to avoid Disney and also possible litigation from the glow swords people:

Luminous Scimitar

Radiant Rapier

Bright Blade

Cosmic Cutlass

Fulminous Foil

You're all welcome to use these without fear of a lawsuit, at least from me anyway.

(When will people like Disney's legal department understand that things like light saber academies are just so much more free advertising and promotion for their movies? If it weren't Star Wars, there might be some actual cultural backlash to this kind of thing.)

Dodge Ram Trucks Viking Boat Tow Ad

It’s about time someone did something like this, with a tough pickup truck and Vikings. I wish I had thought of it. I should have thought of it, frankly. I do have a similar one for a pickup truck from like 8 years ago though where we see the pickup truck towing the massive stone blocks for the Egyptian Pyramids, and historians saying they always wondered how it was done until they found an undiscovered tomb with hieroglyphics showing how it was accomplished. (It's similar in that there's a pickup truck being used in an anachronistic historical setting to tow something big.) And coincidentally, my ad was also for Dodge Ram pickup trucks.

This Dodge Ram ad is a lot of fun. I especially like the fun part of having the Vikings singing a version of the classic kids’ song: “The Wheels on the Bus”.

Here’s the truck tow:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sJP4Eb9xlZE

Here’s my earlier post about my old pickup truck Egyptian Pyramids ad:

http://unconditionedresponse.blogspot.com/2015/11/dodge-ram-pickup-truck-egyptian.html

Volkswagen Golf Alltrack Ad Campaign

This campaign include the “Mountain Bike” and “Snowboard” spots, where we see a subjective camera shot of someone going somewhere either through a mountain bike’s handlebars, or with a snowboard visible at the bottom of the frame, so it looks like we’re riding one of these things, and then, after a cut, we see the Volkswagen Golf Alltrack with the bike or the snowboard on the roof rack, and it’s clear we’ve been riding in the VW instead. It’s fun to have this sleight of hand with regard to our expectations visually, along with the suggestion that it’s as much fun to drive the VW as it is to ride what it’s carrying on top.

VW should make follow-up ads where we see the bike handlebars or the snowboard when the rider is stuck in rush hour gridlock and see how much fun it seems then. (Just kidding.)

Here are the Alltrack ads:

https://www.ispot.tv/ad/AFN7/2017-volkswagen-golf-alltrack-mountain-bike-song-by-joywave

https://www.ispot.tv/ad/AFNL/2017-volkswagen-golf-alltrack-snowboard-song-by-powersolo

Volkswagen Golf Alltrack Salmon Ad

This spot shows a couple going to the great outdoors as we he a song sing about how happy everything is, and then they see an eagle swoop out of the sky and brutally murder an innocent salmon, showing them the truly harsh, dog-eat-dog nature of nature. And then the announcer says the Volkswagen Golf Alltrack is soon to be everywhere. And the animals say: “Soon to be everywhere? Volkswagen? That’s the car company that cheated on emissions standards! Get ‘em!” And all the animals team up to attack the couple for driving a Volkswagen for the company’s pollution scandal, and bears and wolves emerge from the forest, eagles and hawks swoop down from the skies, and the fish all dump out of the water to kill the couple in revenge for them buying a Volkswagen, and then the animals all push the car into the water so nobody can ever drive it again.

Just kidding: that last part doesn’t happen in the ad; but apparently it always happens to everyone who drives a Volkswagen into the forest in real life. Or so I hear from other car companies…

Here’s the salmony spot:

https://www.ispot.tv/ad/A_Nw/2017-volkswagen-golf-alltrack-salmon

Kia Bo Jackson Ad

I like this fun and silly Kia ad that looks like on old 8-bit home video game from the 1980s. It does make it seem like maybe the Kia is using the same dated technology using this old-looking video game picture in the ad, though.

I think it’s actually cheating to use an SUV on the field, even if it is a Kia. But seeing as how Bo Jackson had a career-ending hip injury playing football in 1991, driving the Kia onto the field is likely the only way he could score in an NFL game nowadays. And no matter the safety features on the Kia, is has to be safer driving one of them on the field than actually playing against pro football players.

And come to think of it, the video game picture in this ad probably looks like this because that’s what football video games looked like back when Bo Jackson last played NFL Football.

Here’s Kia’s Tecmo Bo spot:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RYT0vS4Z2d4

Credit Karma Tax Dance Ad

I love this silly spot showing a woman doing an interpretive dance about what it feels like to do her taxes. It’s definitely one of the more fun tax preparation ads I have seen.

I can’t help but wonder if it was influenced by the fun New Yorker cartoon by Bob Mankoff. Not trying to take anything away from it, I’m just curious if the creatives that came up with this spot are familiar with his cartoon from like 1990 or somewhere around then.

Here’s the Karmic commercial:

https://www.ispot.tv/ad/AeNK/credit-karma-tax-tax-dance

And here’s Bob Mankoff’s classic language of dance cartoon:

http://www.bobmankoff.com/cartoons/22701#.WFzEzemKc19

Head & Shoulders Internet Ad

I keep seeing this ad online for Head & Shoulders dandruff shampoo that says: “Shoulders are for greatness, not dandruff.”

But is this really an either or thing here?

Can’t shoulders be for both greatness and also dandruff?

What if you’re the greatest dandruff-producer in the world? Cannot your shoulders be for both greatness and dandruff? That person could be awarded a Guinness Book of World Records record for dandruff greatness, and then surely the twain shall meet upon his or her great shoulders, right? No?

Meh Performances

Instead of PBS using things like Great Performances to get donations, why not punish us into capitulating by screening lame shows like Meh Performances: what Great Performances would be without top tier talent.

We’d see shows with Z-list actors running around with cardboard swords and shields spouting awfully acted Shakespearian dialog filmed by smartphone shaky-cams, and the host could say: “This is your future if you don’t donate to PBS now!”

Maybe it would scare everyone away from PBS, but maybe it would make everyone who doesn’t want to watch CSI and NCIS clones on other networks dip down deep into their wallets to fund PBS.

Hey, you never know what grandparents will do to avoid knowing about what the youth of today is up to, so it’s worth a try!

Nike Itty Bitty Pity Committee Ad (Proposed)

Someone wakes up and thinks about going for their morning run, but the “Itty Bitty Pity Committee”, a tiny bunch of excuse makers, appears over his shoulder, like one of those angels or devils, and says: “You don’t have to do it, you’re tired!” The guy starts to get up, the Itty Bitty Pity Committee says: “You don’t have to do it, you didn’t sleep well!” The guy gets up and puts on his jogging outfit, and the Itty Bitty Pity Committee says: “Wait, you don’t have to do it, you don’t feel well!” And as the guy gets his (Nike) shoes on, the Itty Bitty Pity Committee starts panicking, saying: “Wait, wait! You don’t have to do it, you haven’t eaten yet!” And as the Itty Bitty Pity Committee starts jumping up and down, screaming: “Don’t do it, don’t do it!” the guy jogs out his front door, and the Itty Bitty Pity Committee gets knocked out by the top of the door frame, falling down on the floor behind him and dissolving in a puff of smoke while they scream: “No-o-o-o-o-o! Don’t doooooo i-i-i-i-it!”

And then the slogan appears on the screen: “Just Do It.”

And in follow-up ads, the Itty Bitty Pity Committee could try to nag people into not achieving other goals with excuses like: “You don’t have to do it, you just got dumped by your girlfriend!” and: “You don’t have to do it, it’s raining outside!” and: “You don’t have to do it, you just lost your job!” But the person does it anyway, whatever the ‘it’ is, and the slogan appears: “Just Do It.”

(I guess they could also be called the: "Itty Bitty Quitty Committee" if needs must.)

Privilege Man (The Super Villain, and Possible Credit Card Rewards Program Ad Mascot)

Check your privilege, it’s Privilege Man, the super villain!

Yes, check your privilege to make sure you still have any, because Privilege Man has the power to steal away everyone’s privilege!

That’s right: It’s not enough that he already has male privilege, and white privilege, and superpower privilege, and bad boy privilege… He wants all privilege, and he can get it too, to be the most privileged person ever!

No one can defeat his super-powered privilege, allowing him to get upgraded at every flight, get into every nightclub, get backstage access at every sold-out concert, priority status on every deal, the best rates on every mortgage: everything your heart desires and cannot have is his for the taking!

Actually, this would make a pretty good advertising mascot character for one of those credit card rewards program ad campaigns, huh? So long as they didn’t mind making liberals mad at them for glorifying privilege. (Privilege forbid!) But in that case, he’d be a superhero of privilege to his friends and family, and a super villain to everyone else who doesn’t have that card’s rewards program (and to the competing credit card companies).