In waiting for my Masterpiece Mystery shows to come on over the past couple of weeks, PBS has had these shows about the Secrets of (Whatever) Castle, and they're pretty cool, showing us the interiors, plans, and histories of these English castles. And one of the topics that has come up time and again is the position of the groom of the stool, which was the highest domestic position within a royal castle, where they'd be in the bathroom with the royal personage as they went to the loo and then they'd hand them something to wipe with. This may not sound like such a great job, but apparently the person who held this job had the most influence in court because they'd be the only one who could have the king's or queen's full attention a few times a day, and as such, they could get a lot of favors and help other people climb higher up the social ladder and acquire commissions, etc. And usually, the groom of the stool became fabulously wealthy.
So from this rich butt-wiping tradition, shouldn't there be a Groom of the Stool brand toilet paper? I think there must be! And surely those who buy Groom of the Stool brand toilet paper would have the most enriched lives from their brush with the Groom of the Stool. And the packaging would have a Gainsborough-looking painting of a groom of the stool, in like 17th Century attire, holding out a roll of toilet paper. (Plus, when you send in a certain number of empty Groom of the Stool packaging wrappers, you can get a complimentary powdered wig and lice comb!) Yes, for the royal treatment, and the private pampering your privates deserve, it's Groom of the Stool brand toilet paper!
(Ads for this stuff would be perfect for right before Masterpiece Theater.)
