Internet Ad Volume

I know there are laws to make the ads on TV the same volume as the television programming, even though they don’t abide by them, but I have to say, the volume of ads on the Internet versus what you’re there to do or see is so cranked up, it could seriously damage people’s hearing.

Look, I am an ad guy: just read this blog. But that does not mean I think ads should make people have to put their fingers in their ears. That’s just crazy; and lazy. Come up with an idea they can’t forget, and they’ll get hooked in. Blast out their eardrums, and they might remember the ad, but for all the wrong reasons. And that can be counterproductive. (It always is with me. Make me mad, and I will make a mental note to never buy whatever from whatever company.)

So please don’t kill us with volume on the Internet with your ads: you will only make enemies, and I doubt you will find any customers besides the ones who were going to buy whatever you’re selling anyway.)

Just because the Internet is unregulated is no reason to abuse people. Do it too much, and it will become regulated. That’s not a prediction; it’s a fact. So wise up.

Frankenstein's Bloody Terror

Apparently in the late 1960s, an American cinema chain promised a double feature with a Frankenstein movie attached, but they couldn't find one, and the best they could do was to find some silly werewolf movie from Spain, so they renamed it: "Frankenstein's Bloody Terror", even though it had no Frankensteins in it; and to justify this title change, they inserted the attached animated intro to explain it, even though it's just a werewolf movie (It's only 30 seconds long; imagine the chutzpah it would have taken to try to get away with this, which apparently they did):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OA5LGCzrbVY

Cosentyx Ad Music

Cosentyx is a pharma drug for the treatment of plaque psoriasis, and their ad starts with the words: “See Me.” So, naturally, I thought they should use that wonderful song by The Who: “See Me, Feel Me,” where they sing: “See me, feel me, touch me, heal me.” It seems like a natural fit to me.

This is the song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hZPtrWvlFRU

Keytars

When I was young, we all made fun of Keytars. Yeah, they’re lame: whatever. But actually, Keytars are not lame: it’s only a matter of context.

Like, for example, you wouldn’t want to see Metallica, Megadeth or Anthrax with a Keytar: I get that. And I doubt most country music fans would drool at the thought of a Keytar accompanying their favorite acts. But a dance band with a Keytar: awesome!

Peaches had a Keytar in her band when she did the song: “Boys Wanna Be Her.” That’s an amazing song. Plus, Lady Gaga used to play live with a Keytar. Even people who do not like her or her music have got to admit that she’s a great pianist, singer, and dancer, and it’s harder for her to dance when she’s playing a grand piano, so…

So we have established that the Keytar is lame in some circumstances, but can be great in others. So like people say: context is everything. So don’t hate on the Keytar unless it’s in the wrong place. (Then you are welcome to knock yourself out.)

Victoria Beckham: My Flats Hero!

For years I have been saying that women’s shoes are portable torture devices women have become Stockholm Syndromed into wearing. Now a major celeb has jumped onto this bandwagon (probably because her feet hurt so much from those feet-mangling spike heels): Victoria Beckham, of all people!

Look, I know many people might hate me for this view, but seriously, I see the damage done to women’s feet by these shoes (my grandmother, my mother, my aunts, my friends: where will it end?), and I think it’s a crime against humanity. (Maybe it’s a minor crime, but it’s still a crime.) So hate me all you want, but I care about people’s feet and their future quality of life. And honestly, I don’t even think spike heels look good on anyone anyway, unless everyone wants to look like Jersey Shore.

So this may be my first time to shout out a thank you to a celebrity for anything, but thank you to Victoria Beckham: I hope she makes a difference! Because we all know that if men had to wear shoes like those, they never would have existed in the first place.

Here’s the lowdown:

http://www.harpersbazaar.com/fashion/designers/news/a14339/victoria-beckham-flat-shoes/

AstraZeneca OIC Pharma Snail Ad

During the Super Bowl this year, there was an ad that’s making the rounds now on TV and such about some drug for opioid-induced constipation featuring a snail mascot. Now, I think they are approaching this concept all wrong, because a snail mascot always represents a slow crawl, unless they morph it into the snail from the animated movie Turbo (show the slow snail as the before, and then show the Turbo snail as the after); but they’d have to license it, and I doubt they could license children’s animated characters for an ad related to opioids.

I think maybe they should try a different approach for their mascot. Instead of the snail, maybe they could use a passed-out junkie. They could show this junkie passed out on the sidewalk and say: “Are your bowels incapacitated like this due to opioid use? Then try (whatever drug: they don’t even specify what it’s called in this ad {!!!}).” Then we could see a police officer walk up to the nodded-out junkie and put a bottle of the OIC drug in his face like smelling salts, and then the junkie would wake up, see the cop, and then get up and start running away down the street, chased by the cop. Then the announcer says: “Get your bowels up and moving again with (whatever the drug is called).”

Snails do not use opioids, but junkies do, so I think the passed-out junkie mascot would be more apropos. He could wear a t-shirt that says: “This is your bowels on opioids.”

(Of course, not everyone who uses opioids is a junkie; this is just a joke about this ad.)

Here’s the constipated commercial:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yr78_7Kip3Q

Downton Abbey Midol (Joke) Ad

We all know that Lady Mary tried to ruin Lady Edith’s impending marriage to the Marquess of Whatever last night. And I think this could make a great ad, because in their final conflict, Mary could say that it’s not her jealousy or arrogance or anything like that that got in the way of them being friendly sisters; it’s just that Mary has had such bad period cramps, headaches and bloating and such for so long, it makes her mean. And then Lady Edith could say that she had the same problem in earlier seasons of Downton Abbey, but since then she’s found Midol, and that’s why she’s so much more well-adjusted these days. And so Lady Edith gives Lady Mary some Midol, and from then on, they are the best of friends (until Lady Mary’s husband squanders the family fortune trying to buy himself a title {like in Stanley Kubrick’s Barry Lyndon}, and is called out and shot in a duel by Lady Mary’s son, Master George).

(BTW: This is just a joke, so please don’t kill me.)

Downton Abbey-Peanuts Crossover?

In watching last night’s Downton Abbey, Lady Edith’s continued misfortunes made me think of Charlie Brown from the Peanuts. And, naturally, Lady Mary reminded me of the raven-haired bully always trying to ruin things for Charlie Brown: Lucy van Pelt.

So I think maybe we should have a crossover of Downton Abbey and the Peanuts: Lady Edith can marry Charlie Brown (and they can experience misery and constant misfortune together), and Lady Mary can abandon her husband and run off to hang out with Lucy, where they conspire to ruin everyone’s lives together someday through their own arrogant bullying and selfishness. Then at least Schroder would be happy: he only ever wanted to play Beethoven in peace! (Henry Talbot wouldn’t approve, but he was too pushy anyway.)

(I think Julian Fellowes must have read a lot of Peanuts comics growing up. I did.)

Kia Sorento Participation Trophy Ad

This ad cracks me up. It complains about the participation trophy culture we live in now, but it doesn’t really say much about the car or why we’d want it as opposed to some other similar car. Oh, sorry: it does say the Sorento is: “built for football families,” so if your family plays any other sport, you’re not allowed to drive one, you wimps.

But I think this ad should be only one in a campaign about this subject. The next one would show the same scenario, but with the father and son from the losing team of the same game. And as they walk back to their Kia Sorento, the father snatches the trophy away from his son, breaks it over his knee and sneers, as he throws the trophy on the ground: “Losers don’t get trophies!” Then the father gets into the car, locks all the doors so his son can’t get in, and then he rolls down the window and shouts in his son’s face: “Losers have to walk home!” Then the father drives off, leaving his son standing there, and the slogan is: “Kia Sorento: It’s Not for Losers.”

I have to assume they’ve already made this spot, and I look forward to seeing it soon. It’s the other side of the same coin from their actual ad, isn’t it? And we’ve all heard about overly fanatical sports parents, so why not pitch a car just for them? I hear there are a lot of them out there, so they might sell a lot of cars.

Here’s the winning spot:

http://www.ispot.tv/ad/AYSw/2016-kia-sorento-participation