The Evil Dead Swing

Remember the scary chain bench swing from the movie: The Evil Dead? Well maybe I'm the last person to notice this, but I was watching To Kill a Mockingbird today, and there's a scene where Scout's brother is scared around Robert Duvall's house, and to heighten the terror, we get the squeaking and banging of a chain bench swing on a front porch in exactly the same position as it sits on the cabin in The Evil Dead. This must be where it came from originally.

Joke McDonald's Slogan

McDonald's uses the slogan: "i'm loving' it" (all lowercase). But rather than loving' it, perhaps you're infatuated, because in fat you ate. So maybe they could use this as a joke slogan to replace "i'm lovin' it": "in fat u ate". They could print it on their bags, and it could be in lieu of nutrition information. If they did that, maybe the health food lobby would leave them alone.

Yippie Dog Mute Button?

Scientists are always working on all this new stuff, like self-driving cars, and missions to space, but when are they going to work on developing something we really need, like a remote control that has a button that mutes the annoying barking of yippie dogs? We need that so badly, it's almost a crime against humanity that nobody's working on it.

Breakfast Burritos

I saw a breakfast burrito recently begging about its back beans, fresh tomatoes and cheese, and I said to myself, that's not a breakfast burrito. Where's the Count Chocula and chocolate milk burrito? Where's the toasted Pop Tarts wrapped in a flour tortilla burrito? Where's the pancake tortilla full of syrup burrito? How about the yogurt and fruit wrapped in toast burrito? I really think that there should be government regulations demanding breakfast burritos be made of breakfast foods, or else they'll start secretly serving us lunch earlier in the day.

(BTW: Someone asked me how a flour tortilla could hold milk inside of it without leaking. Well, you'd Scotchgard it first before wrapping it. I thought that was obvious.)

Dove Towelie Joke Ad

Dove is a beauty soap that puts lotion in the soap to prevent dry skin. That’s really a nice idea in theory, but in my experience what happens is that the water does not wash the lotion off, and you end up with goo all over your skin, and then it gets all over your towels, making them all sticky, and eventually, rough as sandpaper once they’ve been through the wash a few times.

Now, it’s nothing personal, but I have had to buy a couple of sets of new towels I didn’t expect to need, so I thought it might be fun to come up with a joke ad for Dove soap that warns users of the potential damage to their towels, like so:

Towelie, the super-intelligent, stoner towel character from South Park, dries someone off who just used Dove, and he says: "Yuck! Dove might moisten your skin, but it leaves me a sticky mess! Please stop using it, or else I'll have to bring in the big guns!" And then we see the big muscular towel from the "Towelie" episode say, menacingly: "Don't forget to bring a towel!"

Then, as a tag, we see the big, tough, muscular towel dry someone off and say: "Yuck! Now I'm all sticky!"

(If you haven't seen the "Towelie" episode of South Park, you have to see it!)

Mike Huckabee Political Ad?

Mike Huckabee seems like a nice man and everything, but he's just a bit too religious for me. Not that religion is a problem or anything, but he seems to want to impose his religion on us. And in this spirit, here's a political ad I've conceptualized for him (Who knows: he might even like it.):

Mike Huckabee sits at a big table, and he holds a big Bible in his hands, and we see tiny, bug-sized liberals pop up demanding things, like gay marriage, abortion rights, and gender equality, and each time one of them pops up, he crushes them like a bug with the Bible, saying: "The Bible says: 'No'!"

I feel this would accurately and honestly present his stance on things as I understand him, and his supporters might even agree and enjoy the spot (who knows?). But he'll never do it, because while his stance is accurately reflected, I think, it's too easy to turn against him by CNN. But shouldn't he be honest about what he stands for? (Maybe CNN could fund it.)

Olive Garden “Penny Dreadful” Tie-In Ad?

Hey, how about a tie-in ad and dish for Olive Garden patrons who love the Showtime series Penny Dreadful? It could be called: “Penne Dreadful”, made with delicious penne pasta, and covered with the most sinfully delicious toppings imaginable, including, of course, lobster (because of the blood thingy Eva Green draws in Season 2 looks like a cooked lobster), and blood-red spicy tomato sauce and a pesto pentagram on top. Who wouldn’t order it when they’re drunk? How could it miss?

Oh, but then again, I guess Olive Garden wouldn’t want to name anything “dreadful”, even in jest, now would they?

TV Set Brand “Poltergeist” Attack Ad?

Hey, how about an ad from a TV set manufacturing brand where they show horrifying scenes from Poltergeist relating to the TV set, and then they say their brand of TV set would never haunt you or abduct your children. No, only their competitors do that! But if you buy a (whatever brand) HDTV, and your child gets abducted by angry ghosts, they’ll refund your money, or let you exchange for a new, ghost-free replacement set at no cost to you!

Lysol Monster/Sci-Fi/Horror/Exploitation Movie Ads (Proposed)

In this joke on giant monster movies like the 1950s Godzilla, a city of germs is attacked by a giant bottle of Lysol, killing them all with its Lysol breath.

Next, in a joke on Terminator movies, a can of Lysol chases germs around and exterminates them.

Then, in a joke on slasher movies, teenage germs party and get hunted down and killed by a bottle of Lysol.

And, in a joke on hit man movies, a container of Lysol wipes is instructed to find certain germs and “rub them out”.

(I don’t know if some buzzkill would say Lysol shouldn’t be portrayed as a monster, but to germs, who we don’t like anyway, I think it clearly is one.)

Greenies Dental Chews Ad

This ad, for what is essentially a toothpaste for dogs, shows a kid jumping around excitedly to get a toothbrush, and then holding a toothbrush aloft like a sword in celebration, and then the announcer says kids never feel this way about brushing their teeth, but dogs do when you use Greenies Dental Chews, and then we see a dog jumping around in celebration to get one.

Conceptually, it’s hard to beat this ad. It’s right on message, it’s concise, it makes you agree with it, and then it gives its pitch. Design-wise you can’t get much better than this.

The question I have is, wouldn’t a dog act more like that kid if it were a Milk Bone, rather than some hippy thing? Dogs like meat, you know, and bread too, but I’m not so sure about the veggie thing. (Or do they use green food coloring to try to get in on the “Green” movement?)

Here’s the doggie dental demo:

http://www.ispot.tv/ad/7OVO/greenies-dental-chews-excitement

DirecTV Hannah Davis and Her Goat Ad

Wow, well I sure predicted this turn of events. A month ago, I posted a suggested ad where we see a stubborn donkey as cable, and then we see Hannah and her horse as DirecTV. Well, now there’s almost the same ad, only with a goat instead of a donkey. I just saw it today, and it was uploaded online 4 days ago at the earliest, as far as I can tell.

So I do like this ad. But I like the donkey concept better. And perhaps even better than the donkey would have been a bull as representative of cable, and Hannah could say: “DirecTV gives you no bull.” (Let’s see if that’s next.)

Here’s Hannah’s goat:

http://www.ispot.tv/ad/73kJ/directv-hannah-davis-and-her-goat

And here’s my post from April (It’s in fourth paragraph):

http://unconditionedresponse.blogspot.com/2015/04/directv-hanna-and-her-horse-ad.html

HBO Pope Ad (Proposed)

Recently, Pope Francis said he hasn’t watched TV in 25 years. Well, with that in mind, I’d like to propose the following ad for HBO:

Reporters ask The Pope (a fictional one) what he likes on TV, and he says he doesn’t watch TV. And so the reporters then say he must not have seen The Sopranos, Game of Thrones, This Week Tonight, Real Time With Bill Maher, etc., and he has been missing out. But the Pope says: “Oh, I love those shows! But that’s not TV; it’s HBO.”

(“It’s not TV, it’s HBO” is HBO’s ad slogan.)