Now, I know I have already posted a bad sequel for Citizen Kane, and that I'm not the first one to think of this idea, but what if Rosebud was not just his last word, but a warning? Yes, what if, as we all have always suspected, Rosebud turns out not to be his childhood sled, but the thing that killed him? (!!!)
Yes, in this realistic sequel to Citizen Kane (which tells the true story of what really happened in between all the temporally jumping around editing in the original {they were trying to hide the truth: that's why they edited the movie that way!}), we find out that Kane was trying to warn us of the shape-shifting alien killing machine that murdered him, disguised as his childhood sled. It had been chasing him, trying to kill him, ever since he graduated from college; and once he realized what was happening, he went to Europe to escape; and he bought all those statues so he could defend himself by pushing them over onto the thing (without it noticing what he was up to, hopefully) if necessary. And had we listened to him, we could have avoided all the movie murder mayhem in Psycho, The Thing, Halloween, Friday the 13th, Hellraiser, etc., for it is always disguising itself to kill! And the first time, it disguised itself as what someone loved most, but he saw through its evil ploy in his dying breath, and he warned us all, and so the murderous entity has decided to pose as what we fear the most from now on, so there's no escape. (If only we had known earlier!)
And so, in this sequel to Citizen Kane, which, as we now know, shows what really happened, the reporter learns (too late) what Rosebud really meant. But just then, the cops come to arrest the reporter, because he was being harassed by Kane's powerful, well-connected friends (like the movie, and Welles, was in real life), and they see him being stalked and killed by the sled, Rosebud, which then transforms itself into something vague and disappears. And then the truth is known: Kane tried to warn us of this mutant, shape-shifting evil; and so then the rest of the movie plays out like any Sci-Fi monster movie, but with everything they try to do being no use, and the monster killing everyone. The End.
See? Aren't you mad now nobody ever made Citizen Kane 2: Rosebud? They tried to make it, but the monster wouldn't let them, killing everyone involved. And I only know about it because... No! I wasn't going to say anything! No, NO, NO!!!!! Aaaaaaaaaaaaarrrggghh! (It killed me for talking too much. I guess someone had to, eventually.)
BTW: That's why the sled gets burned at the end of Citizen Kane: they figured it out that he meant the sled killed him, so they tried to get revenge, but they burned the real sled, and the shape-shifting alien got away. But because taxes took so much of the Kane estate, the alien didn't have the money to build his spaceship. Because, yes, this is a rip-off of The Man Who Fell to Earth, but with a killer shape-shifting alien stranded on Earth, and it planned to kill a fabulously wealthy and powerful man and then assume his identity so that it could spend all his money to develop and build his spaceship, but Kane was onto it, so he spent almost all his money on art and such, and then he ratted it out at the end anyway. So then the alien was going to impersonate Kane's next-of-kin, but there wasn't enough left over to bother.
(Sorry, I had to fill a few plot holes with that last paragraph. But having a lot of plot holes is a great tradition of bad movies, and so maybe I should have just claimed it was intentional.)
