In the spirit of Lifetime Mystery Channel movies, it’s: The Flag Pin Murders.
Remember back when America’s biggest issue was flag burning, and back when it seemed the biggest issue of a recent election was whether or not a candidate was wearing a flag pin? Well, this story takes us back to those glory days of America, when real issues mattered, like flag pins, and whether they were big enough or worn at all by those who wish to lead this great flag-pin-wearing nation of ours.
Our story begins during a presidential campaign. News pundits are furiously attacking one candidate for not wearing a flag pin. This candidate says wearing a flag pin is trivial compared to the issues and the problems faced by our country.
But some people are unconvinced. They ask themselves the most important question they can conceive of: “Isn’t wearing a flag pin really as important as, nay even more important than, any and every other issue in American History?” And one person decides the only possible decision for America: “Yes, wearing a flag pin is the most important thing in America; the most important thing for America!” And so our, um, hero (?) decides he must show the country that wearing flag pins is important: deadly important!
And so the Flag Pin Killer, as he would come to be called by Secret Service agents, police, and news organizations, decides to teach candidates for all government offices big and small that they’d better do the right thing and wear a flag pin… or else! And so, taking a cue from the movie The Abominable Dr. Phibes, the Flag Pin Killer fabricates giant flag pins, with flags made of red-white and blue enamel over silver about 10” x 14” in size, and with the pin part being foot-long spikes, and he impales all politicians who do not wear flag pins with these giant flag pins, stabbing them right through the heart and leaving them where they are easily found at national monuments and such in a symbolic patriotic gesture.
And, of course, like the Zodiac Killer, he is never caught, and so politicians across the land learn that for their own safety, wearing a flag pin is indeed the most important thing in the country if they want to live to represent the American People. The End.
(This is just a silly joke, I hope everyone understands.)
