Recently I went out on my usual biannual shopping spree to replace all of my clothes (jeans, socks, boxers, t-shirts, etc.) that have started to wear out, only this time, the most important items were missing. That’s right: they didn’t have any of my Calvin Klein 100% cotton Gripper Jams anywhere! They don’t even have them anywhere online, but just to rub it in, the ads are all still up in the Google Search, and they simply say “out of stock” on all the web stores like Amazon.com, etc. Why is this, you might ask? Well, it’s because they don’t make them anymore. Why not? I couldn’t guess (but I have a theory!).
They all flew off of the shelves and out of all the online stores like crazy. You can’t even find them being price-gouged on eBay! So then why stop making a product when it’s apparent that a lot of people want it and they all sell out quickly? Well, I don’t work for them, but it is my considered opinion that they do it just to be jerks.
You see, they make tons of kinds of underwear at Calvin Klein, and it’s all modeled by these ripped Marky Mark type guys, and they all look great in them: kind of like superheroes. But there are two things about that: since they are worn under clothes, nobody can see them; and they are all ridiculously uncomfortable! Well, all of them except for the Gripper Jam: that one was great! They were long, down to the knee, like bike shorts, but they weren’t made out of Spandex, so they were comfortable. And the most important thing about them? Well, since the leg went down to the knee, they never rode up your thighs and bunched all up in your butt so that you’d have to be constantly trying to pull them back down your legs while you were walking down the street, like I always had to do when wearing their Boxer Briefs. I think Calvin Klein was the inventor and very first manufacturer of the Boxer Brief, and I learned very quickly what the problem with these things was, but I guess so did they, because within a couple of years, they had introduced the Gripper Jam with the ad line: “They won’t ride up your leg!” (<I’m actually paraphrasing there, as I don’t remember what the exact wording was.)
So they knew the problem, and they fixed it, but guess what? After years of solid sales, they discontinued it. Again, why? I think the answer is obvious: simple jealousy. My theory goes like this: the guy making this decision is all out-of-shape and unattractive, and he gets tired of seeing all these hunky guys modeling all this underwear that he can’t rock out in like they can, and he knows that they are mostly uncomfortable, except for one kind. So what to do to get revenge? Well, obviously kill the one type of underwear that’s actually really comfortable, so that he then knows that while everyone wearing Calvin Klein underwear will look better than him, they will also be really, really uncomfortable wearing them. And what else? They will also constantly look like losers having to continually pull down the legs of the boxer briefs whenever they try to walk anywhere, thereby destroying any chances they had of impressing girls like the stud-muffins they’re supposed to be. See? Revenge complete!
They all flew off of the shelves and out of all the online stores like crazy. You can’t even find them being price-gouged on eBay! So then why stop making a product when it’s apparent that a lot of people want it and they all sell out quickly? Well, I don’t work for them, but it is my considered opinion that they do it just to be jerks.
You see, they make tons of kinds of underwear at Calvin Klein, and it’s all modeled by these ripped Marky Mark type guys, and they all look great in them: kind of like superheroes. But there are two things about that: since they are worn under clothes, nobody can see them; and they are all ridiculously uncomfortable! Well, all of them except for the Gripper Jam: that one was great! They were long, down to the knee, like bike shorts, but they weren’t made out of Spandex, so they were comfortable. And the most important thing about them? Well, since the leg went down to the knee, they never rode up your thighs and bunched all up in your butt so that you’d have to be constantly trying to pull them back down your legs while you were walking down the street, like I always had to do when wearing their Boxer Briefs. I think Calvin Klein was the inventor and very first manufacturer of the Boxer Brief, and I learned very quickly what the problem with these things was, but I guess so did they, because within a couple of years, they had introduced the Gripper Jam with the ad line: “They won’t ride up your leg!” (<I’m actually paraphrasing there, as I don’t remember what the exact wording was.)
So they knew the problem, and they fixed it, but guess what? After years of solid sales, they discontinued it. Again, why? I think the answer is obvious: simple jealousy. My theory goes like this: the guy making this decision is all out-of-shape and unattractive, and he gets tired of seeing all these hunky guys modeling all this underwear that he can’t rock out in like they can, and he knows that they are mostly uncomfortable, except for one kind. So what to do to get revenge? Well, obviously kill the one type of underwear that’s actually really comfortable, so that he then knows that while everyone wearing Calvin Klein underwear will look better than him, they will also be really, really uncomfortable wearing them. And what else? They will also constantly look like losers having to continually pull down the legs of the boxer briefs whenever they try to walk anywhere, thereby destroying any chances they had of impressing girls like the stud-muffins they’re supposed to be. See? Revenge complete!
I’m not quite sure what to do about this to try to get Calvin Klein to make the Gripper Jam again. I went to all the websites and emailed them, and then I just got marketing stuff from them in my email inbox. Awesome: I love junk mail! Especially when it’s virtual! (I’m kidding: I hate junk mail! But do you want to know something funny? Right down the street from where I live, there is a company called American Direct Marketing that makes junk mail as their business {I think it may be the biggest junk mail company in the country}, and guess what it says on their door in big lettering? That’s right, it says: “NO SOLICITING!” I mean, the nerve! I guess they can dish it out, but they can’t take it! Actually, it’s worse: they do dish it out, and they won’t even accept it!) Anyway, I also found some 800 numbers to call, and the people who answer them don’t have a clue about anything! I ask how can I ask to have the Gripper Jam made again (who to write to, who to call, etc.), and they don’t know. Maybe they do know, but the out-of-shape ugly guy in charge has instructed them to say that they don’t know. I think it’s likely that he’s paying them a big bonus for every time they deflect away any attempt by anyone like me to send the message that people want them back, so that he’ll always be safe and secure in the knowledge that everyone everywhere wearing Calvin Klein underwear is horribly and desperately uncomfortable. That’ll learn ‘em for being hotter than the boss man!
I have even thought of seeking out Mr. Calvin Klein himself, but guess what? He doesn’t own Calvin Klein anymore! Even if I did find him, it wouldn’t even matter if he agreed with me! In fact, it’s probably even worse than that! Yes, he’s probably sitting around at posh parties, sipping Apple-tinis and woofing down catered appetizers, laughing hysterically about how all those hot young men will be picking their seats out in public while his name sticks prominently out of their waistlines. Ah, what a sublime joke, to have his name be the cause of all the hot guys in the world to have to constantly readjust their underwear in front of everyone! But then again, maybe it was revenge against the not-so-hot guys (like me) who just wanted to be comfortable. After all, isn’t fashion all about glamour before comfort? They say you have to suffer for your art. Well, I guess now we’re all going to suffer for his.
I have even thought of seeking out Mr. Calvin Klein himself, but guess what? He doesn’t own Calvin Klein anymore! Even if I did find him, it wouldn’t even matter if he agreed with me! In fact, it’s probably even worse than that! Yes, he’s probably sitting around at posh parties, sipping Apple-tinis and woofing down catered appetizers, laughing hysterically about how all those hot young men will be picking their seats out in public while his name sticks prominently out of their waistlines. Ah, what a sublime joke, to have his name be the cause of all the hot guys in the world to have to constantly readjust their underwear in front of everyone! But then again, maybe it was revenge against the not-so-hot guys (like me) who just wanted to be comfortable. After all, isn’t fashion all about glamour before comfort? They say you have to suffer for your art. Well, I guess now we’re all going to suffer for his.
