We have all kinds of weird stuff going on right now with regard to Libya and our energy policy that I have to wonder about. So let’s take first things first: Libya. Reagan called Kadhafi (Gadafi? Qadhafi? Khadafi?) “The Mad Dog of the Middle East”. But he’s not really from the Middle East, is he? He’s from North Africa. Maybe “The Douche-Bag of the Desert” would have been more appropriate. “The Naughty Boy of North Africa”? “The Shithead of the Sahara”? I don’t know; maybe they’re not as catchy. Whatever. But it’s funny that we’re attacking Libya right now. “Well, he’s attacking his own people!” So was Iran in 2009, but Obama didn’t do anything about that. Bahrain and Yemen could be said to be doing the same thing right now (although definitely not on the same level). But if rescuing populations at risk from their own governments is the new standard for military intervention, then what about the Ivory Coast, Zimbabwe, Somalia, Darfur, and the Congo? Can’t we afford to have endless quagmire wars in all those places too? If we all invested in Halliburton, at least we’d have something to retire on. It’s obvious, though, that the reason for our interest in the Middle East is that they have oil. Well, doesn’t Sudan also have oil? They’re killing each other too.
It’s also funny, because no matter what he says, President Obama didn’t seem to want to get involved in this war (good idea), but he was basically peer-pressured into it by Hillary Clinton. All my life I’ve heard women say that if women ruled the world there would be no more wars. I used to say: “Yeah, until two world leaders walked into a summit meeting wearing the same dress.” (I'm kidding.) But I digress. Maybe it’s okay for her to goad a man into starting a war that she wouldn’t have started herself just to prove the point that men start a lot of wars, though. Maybe? But actually, if our policy was based on what natural resources a country possessed, I’d have thought that if Hillary Clinton would have wanted military intervention anywhere, it would have been in the Ivory Coast: yes, that’s right, their main natural resource is what you need to make chocolate! Don’t women love chocolate? And thanks to some real jerk speculator (he is jokingly referred to as “Chocolatefinger” by the news media) who bought up all of the worlds’ cocoa (in addition to the crisis in the Ivory Coast), chocolate prices have spiked to such an extent that candy manufacturers have actually had to drastically shrink the sizes of their candy to avoid raising prices. Now answer me this: how can we be expected to continue our current trend of having the world’s most obese children if this sort of thing is allowed to continue? This is about our place in the world! And if we don’t continue to have the fattest kids, can we really say that we’re the richest country with the most prodigious consumers in the world anymore? I mean, really!
It’s also funny, because no matter what he says, President Obama didn’t seem to want to get involved in this war (good idea), but he was basically peer-pressured into it by Hillary Clinton. All my life I’ve heard women say that if women ruled the world there would be no more wars. I used to say: “Yeah, until two world leaders walked into a summit meeting wearing the same dress.” (I'm kidding.) But I digress. Maybe it’s okay for her to goad a man into starting a war that she wouldn’t have started herself just to prove the point that men start a lot of wars, though. Maybe? But actually, if our policy was based on what natural resources a country possessed, I’d have thought that if Hillary Clinton would have wanted military intervention anywhere, it would have been in the Ivory Coast: yes, that’s right, their main natural resource is what you need to make chocolate! Don’t women love chocolate? And thanks to some real jerk speculator (he is jokingly referred to as “Chocolatefinger” by the news media) who bought up all of the worlds’ cocoa (in addition to the crisis in the Ivory Coast), chocolate prices have spiked to such an extent that candy manufacturers have actually had to drastically shrink the sizes of their candy to avoid raising prices. Now answer me this: how can we be expected to continue our current trend of having the world’s most obese children if this sort of thing is allowed to continue? This is about our place in the world! And if we don’t continue to have the fattest kids, can we really say that we’re the richest country with the most prodigious consumers in the world anymore? I mean, really!
Okay, so this is really about oil I guess. It couldn’t be because the President just had to call for Kadhafi’s ouster, and then he was embarrassed that he was able to stay in power, could it? Nah. We need oil, but we’re not supposed to allow oil drilling here at home where we have it. I mean, okay, yes, we’re allowed to drill for it where when there is an oil spill it will destroy some of our most beautiful areas and completely destroy their jobs and ecosystems there (preferably down South where they’re all Republicans, I guess). But for God’s sake, let’s not even consider drilling in the protected areas in Alaska! That’s special land! But does it really make sense to protect land that nobody ever wants to go to anyway? (Oh, I know, maybe after 2,000 years of global warming people will finally be able to go there without freezing their butts off! But I doubt they’d want to go there even then!) How is anybody ever going to know whether we drilled for oil there or not anyway? Yes, by all means protect the lonely frozen wasteland that sits on enormous oil reserves that nobody will ever see, and let’s instead drill where everybody likes to go fishing and go on vacation, and where a large percentage of their residents rely on the local ecosystem for their livelihoods. Oh, and where we get most of our seafood from too! That’s a great idea! You know what might be an even better idea if we’re never allowed to drill in the protected parts of Alaska? What we could do is invade all of the Middle East, every oil-producing country, all at the same time! They’d never be expecting it! And since we’ve already got now, what, just three wars going, we could just have everyone from the United States get drafted into the military to invade these countries. Then nobody would live in the United States anymore, and all the people from the Middle East could just escape to America. So we’d just trade where we lived, essentially. But the joke’s on them! Now they’d owe our 15 trillion dollar debt, and we’d become the wealthy oil sheikhs! Hey, it might not seem like a good idea to you, but if what we want is to be able to get oil, at least we’d be allowed to drill there. Well, until the President decided to ban it, anyway.
