When the Libyan military intervention began (Operation Odyssey Dawn), President Obama made a point of saying that there would be “no boots on the ground”. Now a number of news stations are reporting that either there already have been American troops on the ground in Libya, or that we’re going to need to send some troops in order for the rebel groups to be able to defeat Khadafi. Now I don’t want to split hairs here, but I know that politicians love to, so what are the facts? Put simply, the President never said that we wouldn’t send troops into Libya, he just said that there will be no boots on the ground. This clearly means that they will be wearing sneakers or dress shoes or something, or if they absolutely have to stay in uniform, that they’ll ride around on skateboards or Segways or whatever, and then crawl around on the ground or maybe walk on their hands so that their boots never actually touch the ground. Maybe they’re going to wear flip-flops: I’ve seen them in camouflage before, and that’s probably why. Plus it’s really nice and sandy in Libya, and where do you wear flip-flops the most? That’s right: to the beach. And Libya is mostly like a really, really big beach that never seems to end: it’s right on the seaside, and it has sand all over it. Who would wear boots to the beach? They’d get all full of sand and like hermit crabs and such. I mean, really! That’s worse than wearing white after Labor Day! (I mean, assuming it’s not because you got stuck out in a blizzard and are completely covered in frost and snow. I think we could overlook things in that case just to be nice.) So when the President said that there would be “no boots on the ground”, he clearly just meant that he wouldn’t be making our troops wear boots at the beach. I mean, he’s not a jerk, right?
So obviously the plan is for the soldiers to wear flip-flops. But are flip-flops really practical to wear with the army uniform? They may not look right, and that would be distracting during a battle. So here’s what I’d propose: why not let them wear Hawaiian shirts? I mean, it’s like a big beach there in Libya, right? And they’re going to want to blend in so as not to be noticed, right? So what blends in better at the beach than Hawaiian shirts? (Not all the same shirt, silly. All different ones!) Alright, I know what you’re probably thinking: having no shirt on at the beach would stand out less. Well, that might be true if they’re all tan and stuff, but what if some of the soldiers have farmer's tans or are glowing white from never getting out in the sun? Doesn’t that stand out more than anything at the beach? Then all the locals would be pointing and laughing at them, and they’d feel too humiliated to be able to fight well. So best to be on the safe side and just have them use Hawaiian shirts. I mean, if Hawaiian shirts are good enough to be the uniforms at restaurant chains, then why not the Army? Then maybe we could rename it Operation Beach Blanket Bingo, and with a name like that, nobody’s going to be able to complain much about it; it would sound so festive! And when you make war look like a big beach party, aren’t you going to attract more enlistments? Yes, I definitely think that saying “no boots on the ground” will become the “Casual Friday” of warfare, and it will just help raise morale overall, as well as finally making going to war fun again.
(The Colbert Report used a bunch of jokes like the above on their show from 9/18/14 about Syria.)
(The Colbert Report used a bunch of jokes like the above on their show from 9/18/14 about Syria.)
