We all know that we have a power crisis. I didn’t know until today that we (the U.S.A.) produce more nuclear power than any other country on Earth. (I know, I’m supposed to be an expert on nuclear stuff. Sorry.) Certainly not more as a percentage of our whole power production, but apparently still more in total than any other country (We’re #1! Yay!). The Japanese earthquake and tsunami has underlined the potential dangers of nuclear power once again, which I’m sure will lead to more smelly hippies than ever turning up to protest. (Bummer, dude.) But when you think about how a nuclear power plant works, it’s still very simple in how it actually produces energy. You’d think that there would be a more direct, high-tech-y way to actually get the electricity out of the nuclear reactions, but no: the nuclear reactions are still just used to heat up water which produces steam, which in turn produces electricity by spinning a turbine. So basically, we have to spin a turbine, however we can do it.
Alright, so we have a bunch of nuclear power plants already, and they produce radiation, right? We could maybe even go get some radiation from the Japanese plant and actually use it for something other than to produce panic. Yes, that’s right, I’m suggesting what we’ve all been thinking but are never brave enough to actually bring up: using giant hamsters to produce energy. Think about it: we all know from movies and comic books that nuclear radiation produces gigantic size in the animals exposed to it. Sure, the government doesn’t want us to think it’s true, but we all know it is. So, look, since we’ve already got this radiation, and since we only need to be able to spin a turbine to create the electricity, why don’t we just make a virtue out of the radiation and use it to grow giant hamsters? My sister had hamsters in a Habitrail growing up, so I know what I’m talking about! We just need to make giant hamsters, and then put them in some really big exercise wheels connected to power turbines, and then they can produce the energy for us! If we made a big enough giant Habitrail with enough giant hamsters in it, the law of averages surely would dictate that at least one of them would be running in an exercise wheel at all times, and we’d always have the power we need! See how easy this stuff is when you just think about it?
Okay, look; I know what you’re probably thinking, but it doesn’t actually have to be hamsters. If we have a nuclear accident, we’re going to get giant animals anyway, right? Probably it would just be a lot of giant squirrels. So, I mean, they’re just going to attack our cities, and we'd have to capture or kill them anyway, so we might as well use them for something productive. Squirrels can live in Habitrails, right? I mean if we build them big enough, of course. Surely if we re-branded them “Squirrel Tunnels” or whatever, nobody could complain about it, right? So there you are: even if we have a nuclear accident that creates a bunch of giant squirrels, we can still do it. But it doesn’t hurt to be prepared, so let’s just start making the giant hamsters just in case we never have that meltdown that everyone’s been worrying about or waiting for (however you look at it).
The only real problem with this whole idea is if we make enough giant hamsters and stuff to produce all the energy we need, and we in turn close down all the nuclear power plants, then there is a possibility that all the “No Nukes” protesters might get bored and become animal rights activists. But even this could be turned to our advantage. Check this out: what we could do is put a little treadmill out where they march and protest, and we could even use them to produce our energy! In fact, if we could get enough hippies mad about something, we could just act like we're doing whatever they’re mad about (we wouldn’t even actually have to do it: that’s the beauty of it! We could just pretend to be doing it!), and then we could just put out lots of treadmills where they’re marching to turn the turbines to produce our energy. We could just disguise the treadmills as sidewalks or whatever. Wouldn’t that work too? We’d just have to come up with a believable enough story that’s at the same time loathsome enough to bring them all out in force. Then they’d be creating 100% clean energy voluntarily, and if they ever caught on, we could just threaten to open a nuclear or coal-fired power plant if they stop. See? It’s foolproof!
