Thursday, March 24, 2011

No Nukes? Yes Nukes?

There is an interesting article (actually, it’s especially the headline that’s interesting, in that it’s really stupid) on the internet today called “What’s behind our conflicted feelings on nukes?” It's actually kind of a fun article. Here’s the link:


But I can tell you the real answer in just one sentence and save you all a lot of time (here it goes…): So, what’s behind our conflicted feelings on nukes? It’s this: On one hand, you have the specter of nuclear meltdowns, radiation poisoning, and horrible, lingering death; on the other hand, you have the possibility of creating an actual Godzilla or Mothra, or some other awesome mutant monsters. (I like especially how MS Word says that Godzilla is spelled correctly, but Mothra isn’t. I guess someone doesn’t have enough monster movie nerds working for them…)

Now if the second part of that sentence (the part about making a real Godzilla!!!) doesn’t warrant risking the first part, then I don’t know what risk is worth taking! Just think of it: we have a catastrophic nuclear meltdown, and a radiation cloud hovers over the country killing most, but turning some others into superheroes. Oh, sorry, I forgot to mention that part, but doesn’t everyone just automatically know at this point that nuclear radiation creates superheroes? I mean, the least it would do is give us a Toxic Avenger and like a Swamp Thing or something, but surely everybody just assumes that will happen I guess. Right? I mean, it’s just common sense. So enough about all the new superheroes that will be created; this is about giant monsters! So where was I? Oh, yes: a catastrophic nuclear apocalypse scenario thingy, right. So like tons of people might get sick and die, but at least we’d probably get a real live Godzilla! Just think of what we could do with such a creature! Everyone’s mad at Obama for attacking Libya, right? Well, if we had a real Godzilla, we could just point him towards Libya, and sit back and watch. Then when everyone complained about it, the President could just say: “What? I didn’t do it! It was Godzilla! Maybe he was mad at them or something.” It would be the perfect excuse for everything! Like, say we wanted to nuke some country, but we didn’t want everyone to know it was us. We could nuke them, and say Godzilla did it. Or we could just wait for the new Godzilla to appear, and then blame it all on him. Or in a pinch, we could actually send our own Godzilla and get him to do it.

Okay, look; I know what most of you are probably thinking: “Well, that’s really irresponsible! What if when he’s created, our new Godzilla attacks one of our own cities?” Well, I think I have the answer for that too. First of all, it would be awesome anyway: we’ve all seen the movies, so you all know I’m right. I mean, wouldn’t it be preferable to a slow, miserable death from radiation poisoning? (I can hear some of you saying: “Yeah, but if we didn’t use nuclear power at all, we could avoid all of this.” Yeah, maybe so, but we’d still have no real Godzilla either. You know the expression: “No pain, no gain”.) But, okay, I know that there would be damage or whatever, so what we could do is just go through the ruined city afterwards and collect all of the abandoned cell phones melted onto the sidewalks and stuff; then what we do is just download all of the cell phone camera footage of the attack, and then edit it all into a movie! The profits from the worldwide release would surely pay for us to not just rebuild the city, but also for the secret government military program to control Godzilla’s behavior so that we can use him as a weapon in the future! See? It’s foolproof!