Saturday, August 13, 2016

Thomas Gibson’s Lightning Feet of Death

I just read that Thomas Gibson was fired from his long-running TV show: Criminal Minds because reportedly he kicked a producer.

I want to know what kind of kick this was. Was this a painful kick to the shins like elementary school children would do, or was this a deadly kung fu karate ninja kick? Did he do a deadly roundhouse kick to the producer that saw the head come off and fly into a waiting trashcan, after which Thomas Gibson made the basketball "swish" stance and said: "Oh! Three points! Gibson out!*"? And did he then kick the heads off all the other producers, kick over all the star trailers, crushing them to death, and then kick over the stage, killing everyone instantly, after which he spontaneously grew long white hair with a man-bun and a Fu Manchu white mustache and white beard like Lieh Lo in: Clan of the White Lotus, after which he disappeared into the night? I only wonder because I worked on a show with Thomas Gibson before, and he never once kicked me with his lightning feet of death, even though I’m sure I probably deserved it.

So I don’t know what happened here, but I think maybe I am on his side here. If you can’t kick the people you work with, then who can you kick: your family?

But this could be an amazing career move for Thomas Gibson. Now he can star in the new hit show: Thomas Gibson’s Lightning Feet of Death! In this show, Thomas Gibson will have producers nag and harangue him until he kicks them. And the producer who can make him kick them the fastest wins!

Oh, and I think I have figured out how they should write Gibson out of the show: just have it turn out that every victim in the whole show was killed by his lightning feet of death, but because he was on the investigative team, he got to tamper with evidence and make it look like they were killed in other ways. And so now that they know this, he is a dangerous fugitive, and everyone they ever sent to prison has been innocent the whole time, but after they are released, now they are criminally insane and commit murders that must be solved to prosecute them again, just like in that NetFlix series: Making a Murderer. (Oh, but then it turns out that a strange alien fungus has infected Thomas Gibson's feet, and that he's been innocent all along! It's kind of like a deadly, murderous version of toenail fungus, and it makes you kill against you will, and you have no memory of it later. And you probably have it too! So you better buy Criminal Minds' Brand Killer Foot Fungus Killer: "We're all killers, but which side are you on?")

Here’s the story:

And this is everyone’s favorite kung fu movie: Clan of the White Lotus:

* (He would be right about the "Gibson out" part.)