In watching some stuff on YouTube recently, I ran across some of those Mormon propaganda ads I had heard of on the news and seen on TV before. I know about this campaign to try to trick us into thinking they’re normal people, but they never seem quite right to me. And you know what I mean, don’t you? They’re always nice and honest and clean-cut and stuff: like some weirdo. It’s positively indecent to be so proper! They can ride bikes and skateboard all they want to, but they still seem like some cult to me when they’re all so ingratiating all the time! It’s like the neighbors always say about horrible serial killers: “Oh, but he seemed like such a nice boy!” We’re onto you nice people! We know something’s up behind your kind smiles and accepting eyes!
Look, Mormons, if you really want people to think you’re normal Americans, and not just a bunch of brainwashed cult members, you’ve got to act normal in your ads. Seriously: show some tween boys slashing tires and ripping side-view mirrors off parked cars, and then they could turn to the camera and say: “…And I’m a Mormon!” And show some vicious killer burying bodies in his back yard, pat the dirt down on the freshly-dug graves, and turn to the camera and say: “…And I’m a Mormon!” And then show some guy at some shyster investment house swindle some trusting couple out of their life savings, and then he could turn to the camera and say: “…And I’m a Mormon!” Then we’ll believe you’re normal Americans! You see, it’s not creepy that you’re Mormons; it’s creepy that you’re not just a bunch of greedy lecherous thugs like the rest of us, you weirdos!
Okay, so that last part is a joke: all Americans aren’t personifications of the Seven Deadly Sins; but if you watch as much news as I do, it certainly seems so sometimes, as that’s all we ever hear about: greedy, lying politicians getting away with all kinds of malfeasance because they hold the reins of power, stock traders stealing people’s life savings and getting away with it because they donate to the right politicians, serial killers having hit movies made about them, rapists becoming tabloid headliners, famous people being caught in torrid affairs, etc. It’s all that makes the news, which makes it seem like they’re the ones we value most, doesn’t it? And so many movies and books are about people like that, it just drives it all home, right? These are our archetypal celebrities!
But Americans being normal or avaricious monsters notwithstanding, if you have to make a series of commercials to try to convince people in America that you’re normal, you’ve just shot yourself in the foot right there. First of all, you don’t generally need to advertise the truth (unless you’re selling something nobody’s ever heard of), so it must be a lie. Second of all, most commercials try to trick us in some way, so we’re already suspicious of anyone that makes one. And if it’s something that’s trying to say: “We’re normal!”, it’s already clear that you’re not. If you were normal, you wouldn’t be making an ad saying you are: normal people don’t do that: they just are normal. So by virtue of making an ad campaign claiming to be normal, everyday Americans, Mormons are sending the message that they’re such weirdos, they have to run ads to try to trick us into thinking they’re normal. But the ones (Mormons, that is) I have known seem normal enough, so maybe they should stop with the ads and just be normal people. I mean, I’m glad some ad people are getting hired and all, but if you have to hire an ad agency to prove you’re normal, you’re not normal. So how about just working on being normal instead? These ads are just comedy fodder, so you might want to rethink your approach.
But hey, if Mormons want to be popular, then how about playing it up what a weirdo cult you are? Then you’d get mega-famous, and everyone would love you even if they hated you! And isn’t that the best kind of American acceptance: fame and anti-hero status? So play up the oddness, and you’ll attract way more people. Seriously, people will come check you out just to see if you really are weird, and when you’re not, they’ll all spread the word about how disappointingly normal you really are! It’s a better plan than running ads that say you are normal: that makes it seem fishy! And hey, if you ran ads attacking your religion from some SuperPAC allied with some group most Americans hate, we’ll all come to your defense! (Until we find out you did it. So just don’t get caught!)
