We’ve all been hearing lots and lots about how shark fin soup is a danger to humanity because it’s so mean to sharks, and sharks will become extinct, etc., right? So that’s why there are new laws prohibiting shark fin soup, even though it’s the only way for us to get revenge for all those victims in the Jaws movies and rip-offs. But then just recently, some fish guy biologist said that due to global warming, now sharks are gettin’ it on (that is to say, reproducing) at an alarming rate. So, um, which is it? We’re all going to die because they’re aren’t enough sharks left, or we’re all going to die because there are too many sharks? I’m used to the threat of extinction from global warming alarmists and conservationists, but can’t they please make up their minds?
Look, we can’t all die horribly from no more sharks and all get gobbled up by sharks at the same time! So what’s the real threat, here? It seems to me that if warmer ocean temperatures are making sharks reproduce too much, then shark fin soup would be a great way to deal with the overpopulation issue. I know it’s all mean and everything, but since when are sharks so nice? They’re always murdering everyone in movies, and that’s after they said they would just swim across in the background (!). So they’re liars, too! So we need to make up our minds here: either there are too many sharks so we’re all going to die, or there aren’t enough sharks so we’re all going to die. Which is it, please?
Seriously, if sharks are going to start coming through our faucets and biting our heads off, I think we should know. And if they’re going to overpopulate to where they will swim up from our toilets and bite our bums off, we should know that too. And there’s a solution to that: it’s called “shark fin soup”! Also, if we’ll all die because there are no sharks, I guess we should know that too. But it seems to me that if there are no more sharks to eat all the fish, that’s more fish for me. I’ve heard the argument that they “thin the herd”, etc., and as such remove the bad apple fish, but all these fish taste the same to me after the wasabi and ginger and soy sauce anyway, even to the point that I can’t taste the bad apples, so why should I care about that? I just have a hard time believing that not enough sharks will kill us all, especially after seeing Jaws. I know it might put a dent in Shark Week on the Discovery Channel, but they can always make CGI sharks, right? If it’s good enough for the movies, then it’s good enough for TV! (That’s what I always say!)
Plus, less sharks means more food for dolphins and killer whales, so if you love sharks, then you must hate whales and dolphins, you monster. Save the whales, man! You’ll never get laid with hippie chicks by saying save the sharks. (Until now, I guess.) If only we could make the case that the sharks are the hunters of the sea, and by that measure, they are just like Republicans, then maybe the environmentalists would let us kill them all off. But as it is, I believe they think all that red blood sharks release into the water represents Communism. And that’s why they must be protected! (What ever happened to “Better Dead Than Red!”? And with sharks attacking you, you’d be dead AND red! And that’s the worst of both worlds!)
Here are some stories to peruse, before we’re all eaten by sharks, or else all die because there aren’t any more sharks:
