Reuters has a story about how some freakishly close moon released extra icebergs, and that’s why the Titanic got sunk. This idea about the moon is correct, but they have failed to take their findings to their logical conclusion. Look, it’s obvious that the moon made the icebergs clog the sea lanes, but they wouldn’t have just attacked the ship: unless…
Look, we all know what happened here, but nobody wants to say it, so I will: The full moon turned the icebergs into werewolves, and that’s why they attacked the ship! It’s the only thing that makes sense!
Look, remember back when people said the perfect murder weapon would be an icicle, because it would melt? Well, that would never really work (I’ve tried, and the freezing-cold water dripping on the intended victims always makes them realize what’s happening! Cheaters!), but in this case, something even better worked: An iceberg became a werewolf, and attacked the ship. And then the werewolf melted, and so nobody could ever prove I did it! I mean, it did it! But someone other than me, because I didn’t do it, must have infected that iceberg with the curse of the werewolf, and then it attacked the ship, because of this moon they’re talking about, and everyone drowned. Well, okay, not everyone drowned, but most of them did, and the rest were too embarrassed to admit they saw a big ice werewolf attack the ship! Or else, they were too scared that I’d hear them. Or something. And that’s the only reason they never admitted it!
If only this report had come out sooner: Then everyone would have told us about it, rather than covered it all up! But they’d never catch me anyway! I’d just melt and get away, just like last time! Mwa ha ha!
Here’s the legendary lupine legacy:
