Yes, I’m afraid it’s true chocoholics: there will be no more “King Size” candy bars soon! You’ll have to buy two regular ones from now on! And I know a lot of people will blame the food police for this, and I might too, except for one thing: This is America! We have no kings here! (Elvis was the King of Rock n’ Roll, and Michael Jackson was the King of Pop, and look what happened to them!) So it’s about time that we had a new revolution against our new oppressor: King Size!
So, how’s that feel, King Size, to get your ass kicked back to Sizeland where you belong? Now we’ll introduce the new President Size candy bar, and it will be twice as big as the King Size! So there, Monarchy! We’ve beaten you again! That’ll teach you to mess with America, man! Because after all, “King” Size is un-American! Maybe, just to show you, we’ll make the new “National Debt Size” candy bar: It will be all the chocolate in the world launched from a Vesuvius-style volcanic eruption, and it will completely cover the world in “death by chocolate”!
Now beat that, Monarchy!
