I just ran across another stupid hippie “study” that lyingly claims that eating even a little teensy bit of red meat will kill you immediately, and if you want to live, you have to eat only bean sprouts and algae. (I’m paraphrasing.) But I seem to remember (actually, I do remember it, because I eat red meat! They want you to stop eating red meat and bacon because it will ruin your memory to stop, and then they can trick you into doing anything they want!) that just a few years ago, the oldest living New Yorker credited a diet of bacon and Thunderbird wine for their longevity (!). It’s true, by the way! (Maybe.) And this (semi-) truth sticks in the craw of this study, which doesn’t prove a damn thing! I heard pigs and cows are behind this study anyway! The cows weren’t convincing enough people with their “Eat Mor Chikn” ad campaign, especially with those silly misspellings, so they threw their lot in with hippie vegetarians to create some bullcrap “study” to trick us into not eating meat anymore. But nobody has thought about how eating only vegetables will lead to the Attack of the Killer Tomatoes! (Okay, tomatoes are technically fruit, but you know what I mean! They know they’ll end up in salads anyway, so they’ll strike back with a vengeance, even though they’re not technically vegetables! And all the other fruit will join them!)
Yes, follow this path to vegetable-matter murder, and it will be The Day of the Triffids all over again! (Do you remember what happened to Janette Scott? Well, you’re next if you fall for this!!!) Mark my words! Those plants will get revenge, and the pigs and cows won’t lift a cloven hoof to save you! (That’s because the devil also has a cloven hoof! Did you ever think of that?) After all, this is their revenge against us for eating all their relatives! Do you really think cows and pigs will differentiate between vegans and carnivores? Wake up, America! We won’t truly be safe until we’ve eaten all the animals and plants! They’re out to get us! Let’s get them before they get us! (And besides, how else are we going to be allowed to eat Soylent Green? They won’t let us have that delicacy until everything else is gone, so start chowing down on every piece of animal and vegetable matter you can sink your teeth into, or else Soylent Green with remain just a movie! And wouldn’t it be nice to say Hollywood predicted the future correctly about something? Some people want to live in the Star Wars universe, but probably lots of others would prefer the world of Soylent Green, because only there will we get to be cannibals without getting in trouble for it.)
Okay, so I admit my argument is somewhat flawed, but this part is true! The thing about the oldest living New Yorker recommending bacon and cheap wine was 100% true! Here’s the proof (okay, well, maybe it’s not exactly true, but someone said it once, so that’s got to count for something, right?):
And here’s this silly study pigs and cows want to trick you into believing!:
