We all know that the end of the Cold War is the reason for climate change due to global warming. The coldness of the Cold War kept the climate from heating up: that’s just common sense. I mean, it was the “Cold War”, so naturally it kept the Earth cool. But once the Cold War ended, the globe began to warm. (Look at the data and you’ll see that it’s true!) That’s why it’s imperative we start a new Cold War. You know, to save the planet.
No, really: think about it. A new Cold War will cool the globe down again just like it was during the last Cold War, because that’s why it’s called a “Cold” War: because it’s cold, like a refrigerator; and like a refrigerator, it will cool everything down: that’s just science. Plus, if we accidentally happen to enter into a nuclear war, that will create a nuclear winter, and that will cool the globe down too. So it’s a win-win, really, when you think about it.
So no matter what happens, so long as we have a new Cold War, or even a nuclear war, everybody wins. Because isn’t climate change the most pressing issue of our time? We keep hearing it is, so it must be. And that means we must solve it at any cost. And as it happens, a new Cold War or a nuclear war will cost us plenty. But so long as it reverses global warming, isn’t it worth it, in the long run, for the Terminators and sentient bacteria and viruses that will live in the world we leave behind? (And surely all the mutated inhabitants of Planet Earth in the future will all bow down in reverence to their patron saint, Russian President Vladimir Putin: the man who made their irradiated, mutated lives possible, and stopped global warming with his new Cold War and upcoming nuclear winter.)
Yes, I’m afraid that to reverse global warming, the green movement is going to have to get all charred and irradiated. But isn’t it worth it, to save the planet? (If you say no, you’re just a global warming denier. Or maybe a narcissist.)
So don’t worry about a new Cold War: it’s good for the environment!
(Just kidding! We’re all going to die. But the Earth will survive long after us and actually doesn’t care whatsoever what temperature it is: a relief, I’m sure, to my environmentalist friends who keep saying humanity is killing the planet and must be eradicated for the good of Mother Earth. {No really: I know many people who say this kind of thing continuously. Maybe they’ll be happy when we finally destroy ourselves, but I won’t. And while all the rest of this post is a joke, this last part is sadly true. But hopefully they don’t really mean it.})
